Controlling Relationship Checklist: Top 60 Warning Signs

Controlling Relationship Checklist: 60 Signs to Recognize

Being in a controlling relationship can be confusing and destabilizing. You may question your memory, your judgment, and even your worth, especially if your partner insists their behavior is “normal” or “for your own good.” Whether the controlling partner is a controlling husband, controlling wife, or any controlling men or controlling women in a romantic partnership, the sign and patterns the same.

This checklist is designed to help you identify controlling behavior in any control relationship, no matter your gender, orientation, or marital status. You don’t need to check every box for the situation to be serious—what matters is the pattern, the impact on your safety, and how your partner responds when you try to set boundaries.

How to Use This Controlling Relationship Checklist

• Read each item and notice which ones feel familiar in your current or past relationships.

• Focus on patterns over time, not isolated moments.

• Pay attention to how you feel: afraid, small, confused, constantly on edge, or like you’re “walking on eggshells.”

• Remember: this applies equally to a controlling husband, controlling wife, controlling boyfriend or girlfriend, or any partner whose behavior leaves you feeling unsafe or diminished.

Controlling Relationship Checklist

Isolation

Do they discourage or prevent you from seeing friends, family, or support systems, or make you feel guilty when you do?

Extreme Jealousy

Do they react with anger, suspicion, or accusations over small interactions, friendships, or your past?

Constant Criticism

Do they regularly insult, ridicule, or nitpick you so you feel never good enough?

Invasion of Privacy

Do they read your messages, go through your phone, email, or belongings without consent?

Gaslighting

Do they deny things you know happened, twist facts, or make you feel “crazy” or overly sensitive? Click here to hear a survivor story podcast about a controlling relationship that involved gaslighting.

Conditional Love or Approval

Do they give affection or kindness only when you comply, and withdraw it when you don’t?

Threats on Your Life

Have they ever threatened to hurt or kill you, even “as a joke” or in anger?

Threats of Self-Harm

Do they say they’ll hurt or kill themselves if you leave or don’t do what they want?

Threats to Leave the Relationship

Do they constantly threaten to break up or divorce to control your behavior?

Threats to Harm Your Loved Ones

Do they threaten to hurt your children, pets, family, or friends as a way to control you?

Threats to Call the Police on You

Do they threaten to falsely report you to authorities to scare or manipulate you?

Threats to Take Away Your Kids

Do they say they’ll take your children away or make sure you “never see them again”?

Using Kids to Relay Messages

Do they use your children to deliver hostile or manipulative messages, pressure you, spy on you, or take sides instead of communicating with you directly?

Physical Intimidation

Do they block doorways, loom over you, punch walls, or use their body to scare you?

Physical Abuse

Do they hit, slap, push, shove, grab, choke, restrain you, or otherwise use physical force against you—even once, “by accident,” or only during arguments? 

Leaving Weapons Out

Do they leave weapons (guns, knives, etc.) visible or within reach to intimidate you?

Sleep Deprivation

Do they keep you up late with arguments, accusations, or intense conversations, or wake you up to fight, knowing you need rest for work, school, or health?

Circular Conversations

Do discussions go in endless circles, with them twisting your words, changing the topic, or re-litigating the same issue so nothing is ever resolved and you end up exhausted and doubting yourself?

Love Bombing

Do they overwhelm you with excessive affection, attention, gifts, or grand declarations early on or after conflicts, then later use that intensity to justify controlling behavior or keep you hooked? 

Bread Crumbing

Do they give you just enough attention, kindness, or contact to keep you invested, but never follow through consistently or meet your emotional needs?

Intermittent Reinforcement

Do they alternate unpredictably between warmth and cruelty, approval and rejection, so you keep trying harder to “get back” to the good moments?

Future Faking / The Dangling Carrot

Do they make big promises about the future—marriage, kids, moving, changing careers, getting help—but never take real, consistent steps to make those things happen? Click here to listen to a survivor story podcast about a controlling relationship with future faking.

Promises of Change

After hurting or controlling you, do they apologize and promise to change, maybe even for a short time, but then repeat the same behaviors without lasting effort or accountability?

Controlling What You Wear

Do they dictate your clothing, saying things are “too revealing,” “ugly,” or “embarrassing”?

Controlling What You Eat

Do they police your eating, food choices, or body, shaming or monitoring what you consume?

Controlling Where You Go

Do they demand to know or approve everywhere you go, or forbid certain places?

Constant Check-ins

Do they insist you respond immediately, constantly ask where you are and what you’re doing?

Bombarding You With Texts

Do they flood you with calls or messages, then get angry if you don’t reply fast enough?

Controlling Your Time

Do they decide how you “should” spend your time and resent any time not spent on them?

Minimization

When you express hurt or concern, do they downplay what happened (“It wasn’t that bad,” “You’re overreacting,” “I barely touched you”) to make their behavior seem harmless? Click here to hear a survivor story podcast about a controlling relationship that involves minimization.

Invalidation

Do they dismiss or mock your feelings (“You’re too sensitive,” “You’re crazy,” “That’s not how you feel”) instead of trying to understand or acknowledge your emotional experience?

Telling You What To Think

Do they tell you your opinions are wrong or stupid, and pressure you to adopt their views?

Putting Down Your Intelligence

Do they call you stupid, crazy, or incapable, or mock your knowledge and skills?

Telling You That You’re Forgetful

Do they claim you’re always forgetting things to undermine your confidence in your memory?

Disguising Control as Love or Safety

Do they say controlling behavior is “because I love you” or “for your own good”?

Disguising Anger as Passion

Do they excuse rage, yelling, or aggression as just “being passionate” or “caring too much”?

Driving Fast With You in the Car

Do they drive recklessly or speed during conflicts to scare or punish you?

Accusations of Cheating

Do they frequently accuse you of cheating without evidence or twist innocent situations?

Demanding Constant Attention

Do they get angry or sulk when you focus on anyone or anything else?

Sexual Coercion

Do they pressure, guilt, or force you into sexual activity you don’t want?

Silent Treatment

Do they ignore you, refuse to speak, or give you the cold shoulder as punishment?

Withholding Affection

Do they withdraw affection, sex, or warmth to control or manipulate you?

Tracking Your Location

Do they use apps, GPS, or other methods to track your whereabouts without true consent?

Smearing Your Reputation to Others

Do they bad-mouth you to friends, family, or online to isolate or discredit you?

Belittling Your Achievements

Do they dismiss your successes, saying they’re “not a big deal” or that you didn’t earn them?

Financial Control

Do they control all money, limit your access, or demand to approve every purchase? Click here to hear a survivor story involving financial control.

Leaving You With Their Debts

Do they rack up debt in your name or leave you responsible for their financial messes?

Not Doing Housework

Do they refuse to share basic responsibilities, assuming you must do everything?

Weaponized Incompetence

Do they pretend to be bad at tasks so you’ll do them all instead?

Guilt & Obligation

Do they constantly make you feel guilty for having needs, boundaries, or saying no? Do they say you're ungrateful for all they've done for you?

Using Mental Health Diagnosis to Avoid Responsibility

Do they blame hurtful behavior on their diagnosis while refusing to work on it?

Using Past Trauma to Avoid Responsibility

Do they use their trauma as an excuse for ongoing abusive or controlling behavior?

Blame Shifting

Do they twist situations so that everything is somehow your fault?

Undermining Your Goals and Hobbies

Do they discourage your interests, education, or career, or mock your ambitions?

Making You Late for Work or School

Do they start fights, delay you, or sabotage you so you show up late or miss obligations?

Unpredictable Reactions and Mood Swings

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells because you never know how they’ll react?

Hiding Work, School Work, Keys, or Other Items From You

Do they hide or “misplace” things you need to function, then act innocent?

Preventing You From Getting Medical Care or Seeing a Therapist

Do they block, discourage, or shame you for seeking healthcare or mental health support?

Ruining Holidays or Events

Do they regularly start conflicts or create drama around important days or milestones?

Triangulation

Do they pull in third parties (friends, family, exes, even professionals) to take their side, deliver criticism, compare you to others, or pressure you, instead of speaking to you directly?

What to Do If You Recognize These Signs

If many of these boxes describe your situation, you may be in a controlling relationship. This is true whether the controlling partner is a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or any partner whose controlling behavior leaves you feeling unsafe, trapped, or chronically anxious.

Consider the following steps:

• Reach out for support. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about what you’re experiencing.

• Contact specialized help. Domestic violence hotlines and local advocacy organizations can help you assess danger, understand your options, and make a safety plan—this is important in any high-control relationship, especially with a controlling husband or controlling wife.

• Plan for safety. If you decide to stay, leave, or aren’t sure yet, having a plan for emergencies (documents, money, safe contacts) can increase your safety.

• Emergency help. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency number (in the U.S., 911) if it is safe to do so.

You deserve a relationship—regardless of gender or role—where respect, safety, and mutual care are the norm, not control and fear. This checklist was never about judging your partner; it was about validating your reality. You now have a framework to recognize what you deserve: a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and sure of yourself. That knowledge is the first, firm step toward any future you choose.