Post-Separation Abuse: The Continued Control After the Relationship Ends

Leaving an abusive relationship is often portrayed as the ultimate escape, the final act of liberation. However, the unfortunate reality for many survivors is that the abuse doesn't necessarily end when the relationship does. Post-separation abuse is a insidious form of control where the abuser continues to harass, manipulate, and exert power over their victim even after they have physically separated. This blog post will delve into the various forms of post-separation abuse, explore the reasons behind it, and provide insights into how to protect yourself. We will also reference our latest episode, Sally & The Jealous Physical Abuser | Domestic Violence & Narcissistic Abuse, where Sally shares her personal experience with the devastating effects of post-separation abuse following a decade-long abusive marriage. You can find the full show notes for the episode below. Listening to Sally's story will provide a powerful and sobering look at the realities discussed in this post.

Show Notes For: Sally & The Jealous Physical Abuser | Domestic Violence & Narcissistic Abuse

Defining Post-Separation Abuse: Abuse Doesn't End with the Relationship

Post-separation abuse is a continuation of controlling and abusive behaviors by a former partner after the relationship has ended. It's crucial to understand that abuse is not solely defined by physical violence; it encompasses a wide range of tactics designed to maintain power and control. These tactics can include emotional manipulation, financial control, legal harassment, stalking, and using children as pawns. The goal of the abuser is to continue eroding the victim's sense of self, independence, and overall well-being, even though they are no longer together.

Unlike the clear-cut image of physical abuse, post-separation abuse can be more subtle and insidious, making it harder to recognize and address. It often hides behind legal jargon, parental rights, or even seemingly harmless gestures. This makes it particularly challenging for survivors to prove the abuse and seek help.

Forms of Post-Separation Abuse

Post-separation abuse can manifest in numerous ways, each designed to inflict pain and maintain control:

Legal Battles and Financial Control

Abusers often exploit the legal system to continue harassing their victims. They might file frivolous lawsuits, constantly modify custody agreements, or refuse to pay agreed-upon support payments. This creates a constant state of stress and financial insecurity for the survivor, draining their resources and emotional energy. Financial control is another common tactic, where the abuser withholds money, sabotages the victim's employment, or runs up debts in their name. As Sally described in our latest episode, these tactics can be incredibly isolating and can make it difficult for the survivor to rebuild their life after leaving the relationship.

Stalking and Harassment

Stalking can take various forms, from physical surveillance to online monitoring. Abusers might follow their victims, show up uninvited at their home or workplace, or use technology to track their movements and communications. Harassment can include constant phone calls, emails, or text messages, spreading rumors or lies about the victim, or cyberbullying. This creates an atmosphere of fear and anxiety, making the survivor feel constantly unsafe and vulnerable. As we heard in Sally's story, the feeling of being constantly watched and monitored can take a significant toll on a person's mental health.

Emotional and Psychological Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of post-separation abuse. Abusers might use guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or threats to manipulate their victims. They may try to isolate the survivor from their friends and family, undermine their confidence, or damage their reputation. Another common tactic is using the children as pawns, turning them against the other parent or using them to relay messages and information. This form of abuse can be particularly damaging, as it erodes the survivor's self-esteem and sense of reality.

Sally's Story: A Real-Life Example of Post-Separation Abuse

In the episode featuring Sally, we hear a firsthand account of the devastating impact of post-separation abuse. After enduring years of physical and emotional abuse during her marriage, Sally thought leaving would bring peace. However, her ex-partner continued to harass her through legal battles, constant phone calls and messages, and attempts to control her finances. He also used their children as messengers, creating conflict and emotional distress for both Sally and the children. Sally's story highlights the insidious nature of post-separation abuse and the long-lasting effects it can have on survivors.

One of the most impactful aspects of Sally's story is the way her abuser used the legal system to continue his control. He would file frivolous lawsuits and constantly modify custody agreements, forcing Sally to spend significant amounts of time and money defending herself in court. This not only drained her resources but also kept her in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty. Sally's experience underscores the importance of seeking legal advice and support if you are experiencing post-separation abuse.

The Role of Jealousy and Insecurities

Jealousy and insecurities often play a significant role in fueling post-separation abuse. The abuser may feel threatened by the survivor's newfound independence and resent their ability to move on. They may also be driven by a need to maintain control and punish the survivor for leaving. This can manifest in obsessive behaviors, such as stalking, monitoring the survivor's social media activity, and interfering with their new relationships. Understanding the underlying motivations of the abuser can help survivors anticipate their actions and develop strategies to protect themselves.

Why Victims Stay: Fear and Societal Expectations

Even after separating, victims may still feel trapped by fear and societal expectations. They may be afraid of the abuser's reaction if they assert their independence or set boundaries. They may also feel pressure from family, friends, or the legal system to co-operate with the abuser for the sake of the children. Additionally, some survivors may still hold onto the hope that the abuser will change or that they can salvage the relationship. It's important to recognize that leaving an abusive relationship is a process, and it's okay to need time and support to break free from the cycle of abuse.

Protecting Yourself From Post-Separation Abuse

Protecting yourself from post-separation abuse requires a multi-faceted approach that includes legal, emotional, and practical strategies:

• Seek Legal Protection: Obtain a restraining order or protective order to legally protect yourself from the abuser. Consult with an attorney who specializes in domestic violence cases to understand your rights and options.
• Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of all instances of abuse, including dates, times, and descriptions of the incidents. This documentation can be crucial in legal proceedings.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the abuser and enforce them consistently. This may involve limiting communication to essential matters related to the children or refusing to engage in arguments or discussions.
• Prioritize Your Safety: Develop a safety plan that includes strategies for protecting yourself and your children in case of an emergency. This may involve changing your locks, varying your routes, and having a safe place to go if you feel threatened.
• Seek Support: Connect with a therapist, counselor, or support group to process your experiences and develop coping strategies. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who can provide emotional support and practical assistance.
• Protect Your Digital Footprint: Be mindful of your online activity and take steps to protect your privacy. This may involve changing your passwords, adjusting your social media settings, and using a virtual private network (VPN) to encrypt your internet traffic.

Resources and Support

If you are experiencing post-separation abuse, it's important to remember that you are not alone and there are resources available to help:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV): https://ncadv.org/
• DomesticShelters.org: http://www.domesticshelters.org/
• Shelter Movers: https://www.sheltermovers.com/ (Provides moving assistance for those fleeing domestic violence)

Podcast Recommendations

Here are some podcast recommendations that offer valuable insights and support for survivors of abuse:

• Perfect Prey With Dr. Christine Cocchiola: Click Here
• The Covert Narcissism Podcast: Click Here
• Bitch is a Bad Word: Click Here
• When Dating Hurts Podcast: Click Here

Conclusion: Breaking Free from the Cycle of Abuse

Post-separation abuse is a serious issue that affects many survivors of domestic violence. It's a reminder that abuse doesn't always end when the relationship does, and that abusers will often go to great lengths to maintain control over their victims. However, with awareness, support, and the right strategies, survivors can break free from the cycle of abuse and rebuild their lives. Remember, you are not alone, and help is available. Don't hesitate to reach out to the resources mentioned in this blog post and seek the support you need to heal and move forward. Listen to Sally's story for an in-depth look at the realities of post-separation abuse, and know that your own journey to healing and freedom is possible.