When “Being Fair” Is Actually Self-Erasure: Silencing Your Needs

Many survivors pride themselves on being understanding, empathetic, and fair.

They try to see every side of a situation.

They give people the benefit of the doubt.

They avoid jumping to conclusions.

On the surface, these qualities look healthy.

But in the context of trauma, emotional invalidation, and self-gaslighting that teaches people to doubt their reality and minimize harm, “being fair” can sometimes become a way of erasing yourself.

Instead of protecting your needs, you may over-prioritize others’ perspectives — even when you’re being hurt.

Understanding this pattern can bring clarity and help restore balance.

How Fairness Turns Into Self-Erasure

In healthy situations, fairness involves mutual understanding.

In unhealthy dynamics, fairness often becomes one-sided.

You may find yourself constantly thinking:

“They didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“They’re under a lot of stress.”
“They had a rough childhood.”
“I should be more patient.”

While these explanations may be true, they don’t erase the impact of harm.

Yet self-gaslighting uses empathy to dismiss your feelings.

Instead of acknowledging pain, you rationalize it away.

This pattern of minimizing harm is a common part of self-gaslighting.

Where This Pattern Develops

This habit often forms in environments where:

Emotions were invalidated

Conflict was discouraged

You were expected to keep peace

Others’ needs came first

Children and partners learn that understanding others reduces conflict.

Over time, this becomes automatic.

Emotional invalidation in these environments teaches people to doubt and suppress their feelings.

The Role of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing and over-fairness often go together.

People-pleasers focus on harmony and approval.

They may believe:

“If I understand everyone, things will be okay.”

But in doing so, they silence their own needs.

This connection between people-pleasing and self-erasure is common after trauma.

How Gaslighting Reinforces Over-Understanding

In gaslighting situations, survivors are often told:

“You’re overreacting.”
“You misunderstood.”

To cope, they may search for reasons why the other person isn’t at fault.

Instead of trusting their reactions, they assume they’re wrong.

Learning how gaslighting becomes internalized through self-gaslighting helps explain this dynamic.

The Emotional Cost of Self-Erasure

Over time, constantly minimizing yourself can lead to:

Resentment

Exhaustion

Confusion

Loss of identity

Weak boundaries

Staying in harmful situations

Your life becomes shaped around others’ comfort.

Your own feelings fade into the background.

This constant self-erasure often contributes to losing your sense of identity after abuse.

Fairness vs. Self-Respect

Healthy fairness includes everyone — including you.

Self-erasure excludes you.

Here’s a simple comparison:

Healthy fairness:
“I understand they’re stressed, and I’m still hurt by what they said.”

Self-erasure:
“They’re stressed, so I shouldn’t be hurt.”

The key difference is whether your feelings are acknowledged or dismissed.

How to Practice Balanced Empathy

Healing involves keeping empathy while honoring yourself.

Some helpful steps include:

Acknowledge Impact
Even if someone didn’t intend harm, the impact matters.

Validate Your Feelings
Your emotions deserve space.

Question Automatic Excuses
Ask yourself if you’re minimizing pain.

Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same understanding you give others.

Why Honoring Yourself Feels Uncomfortable

For many survivors, prioritizing themselves once led to conflict or guilt.

So self-respect may trigger anxiety.

This doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

It means you’re unlearning old patterns.

Fear, obligation, and guilt often drive this discomfort.

The Healing Power of Seeing Self-Erasure Clearly

Many survivors feel relief when they realize their “fairness” was actually a trauma response.

It explains why they tolerated so much.

It helps release shame.

Survivor stories and trauma-informed conversations — like those shared on Narcissist Apocalypse — often help people recognize this pattern and begin honoring themselves again.

The Bottom Line

Being empathetic is not a flaw.

But when empathy is used to dismiss your own pain, it becomes self-erasure.

Self-gaslighting often hides behind “being fair.”

If you constantly prioritize others’ perspectives while minimizing your hurt, it doesn’t mean you’re too nice.

It means you learned that peace required self-sacrifice.

Healing involves keeping compassion while making room for yourself.

Your feelings matter too.