Felix & The Love-Bombing Long-Distance Abuser

Brandon Chadwick (0:01): On this episode of narcissist apocalypse, we talk with an abuse survivor named Felix, and Felix was in a long distance relationship with a minimizing abuser. It's a story of fate, lies, double standards, intermittent reinforcement, and deflection. Welcome to Narcissist Apocalypse everyone. I am Brandon Chadwick and with me today we have Felix. How are you?

Unknown Speaker (0:51): I'm doing great. How are you Brandon?

Brandon Chadwick (0:53): I am doing well. Thank you for asking and if you want to be a guest like Felix is today, please do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com, fill out our guest form, press the submit button and we will go from there. We also have a support group at our website where we have Zoom meetings every Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday nights. If you need support, join our support group today. And we also have a newsletter at our website where you get a free workbook for every new Survivor Story episode, and that is all at narcissistapocalypse.com.

Brandon Chadwick (1:23): And today, we do have a content warning as we do discuss physical abuse in this episode. And also, there were some sound issues with this episode, so you might hear some inconsistent sound here and there. My apology for that. And today you're going to hear Felix's story, and Felix was in a long distance relationship where immediately it felt like it was meant to be. There was fate involved, and that idea of fate and these grand days and grand gestures when they were together really felt like the best feeling that there could be.

Brandon Chadwick (1:54): However, volatility and red flags were popping up. It started to pop up, but this was always repaired by this idea of fate once they were in each other's presence again, only to become volatile quickly after that. These cycles just continued, and I know Felix will validate so many of you out here today. So a big thank you to Felix for being here once again, and now I'm going to get out of my way, in your way. Felix, the floor is now yours.

Felix (2:22): So I guess I'll start about me. I was born in the suburbs of a large city. I had a nice, normal suburban upbringing. I have two parents who were very in love with each other, were very supportive of mine and my younger brother's any passion, anything we were interested in. They always wanted to support us.

Felix (2:49): I was always noticed as a kid for being precocious, and I always loved reading, and I I loved language. And also, though, I as a child, I was very, like, emotionally raw. I guess I would describe myself as kind of like a raw nerve. I had very big emotions, and I didn't have the vocabulary for them, ironically. So this would manifest at, like, school.

Felix (3:21): Like, for example, like, if I was feeling left out or if I was feeling excluded, frustrated, confused, I didn't have the language to say that. And so I would often just dissolve into tears and I would be in a consultant. Right? And so because of this and because my parents wanted to help me, I started seeing a therapist when I was like eight years old. And I really took to it.

Felix (3:46): I liked therapy. I liked talking about feelings. I liked putting words to these things that are intangible. And I've been in therapy for my entire life since I was eight years old, so almost thirty years. I would learn later also that I got a diagnosis of ADHD.

Felix (4:04): I then realized when I looked back at my childhood, oh no, I was just overwhelmed because my brain is going so quickly. And I would then later resolve that. I would get a diagnosis in adulthood, you know, and that brings me where I am today. But yeah, my mom was kind of like the glue of our family. She lost her mother when she was 19 and kind of took up the mantle of, like, being the one to do the holidays and make sure everyone stayed cohesive as, like, a unit.

Felix (4:38): She was always helping everybody. She was always there for everybody. Sometimes self sacrificially where she would do too much for people that didn't necessarily reciprocate what she would do. She gave so much of herself. And I think that has influenced a lot of how I perceive the action of love too because, like, I admired my mom very much.

Felix (5:03): And I've noticed in my adult relationships, like, I somehow often slip into the role of, like, accidentally being, like, a helper or, like, a fixer upper or, like, a caretaker instead of expecting someone to care for me in return. Right? And so that's something I talk about in therapy. So I graduated with my degree in English literature and a minor in linguistics, and I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I had a lovely adviser.

Felix (5:32): She said, would you move to China? And without even skipping a beat, I was like, yes. So they set up this partnership where, like, me from my university and someone from university in China, we would switch places and, like, teach each other's language to each other at the, you know, at each other's universities. So I was like, cool. And I eventually met an American fellow there, and I dated him for a little bit.

Felix (5:57): And in my last year in China, I remember I got, like, mysteriously very ill. Went home, got all these tests, STI, everything. You're good. Everything's fine. You just had a weird flu or something.

Felix (6:08): Okay. Cool. Well, then my then boyfriend got sick, the American fella, and then another friend of ours got sick. And we were all kind of sexually involved with each other. And my boyfriend got a call from a hospital in The United States and said that he had tested positive for HIV.

Felix (6:26): And so he was devastated. We told our other friend that we had been sexual with. He absconded overnight to Hong Kong, got a test. He was also positive for HIV. And I thought to myself, well, the only common denominator here is me.

Felix (6:41): So if we all got sick and he has HIV and he has HIV, guess who probably also has HIV? And so I made the decision to move with my ex. And we lived with his family, and it was very emotionally volatile. After we got there, we were traumatized. It's traumatic.

Felix (6:59): Getting diagnosed with HIV is so traumatic. There's so much that you don't know that you don't know about how you reckon with yourself. And after I got my diagnosis officially back when I was in The States, I remember just feeling this shame. So much shame, so much sadness, so much grief. And so and he was experiencing that, and we were experiencing it in parallel.

Felix (7:23): And it became a thing where he was my ex was not able to, like, metabolize any of the shame, and he was very verbally abusive to me. He was physically abusive. And then I decided to move back closer to my family. So I did. I moved back to my home city, and it was great.

Felix (7:44): And about a year in, I started a relationship with a guy that very quickly became very volatile. And it was very much like, and I hate you. Don't leave me. Right? Everything that I did was my fault.

Felix (8:02): I could not do anything right. He would threaten suicide. He would be incessantly, like, calling me when I was at work teaching. I'm still a teacher. He would accuse me of cheating on him.

Felix (8:13): He basically threatened to kill me on my stoop, flicked a lit cigarette in my face. And so the next day, I went and got a order of protection against him. I went to the court, and I I filed for an order of protection. And he got served with that. And we had a we had a court date.

Felix (8:30): He will not accept a one way order of protection against him. He wants a mutual three year order of protection against each other. Now I hadn't done anything to warrant this. Right? But at this point, I was just so exhausted, and I said, whatever.

Felix (8:46): I don't care. I just want him away from me. So if that's what has to happen, that's what has to happen. So I agreed to this. And after that, I was trying to find ways to bring joy back into my life, you know?

Felix (9:00): And so I auditioned for a chorus because I was always a singer and I got in and yeah, it's just been such a source of a huge source of joy and community. So I started to do that and I got a good teaching job at a school that is close to my house. And yeah, things were looking good.

Brandon Chadwick (9:23): So a lot has already happened with your life up until this point. Traumas, something that we haven't mentioned yet, which is your mother passing away, and your life feels like now it is on the upswing after all of this, and then you're about to meet the person that this story is about. So take us from here.

Felix (9:42): So like a lot of people's stories, I felt like I was in a Hallmark movie when I met this person. I had a friend that I made when I lived in China, who was getting married in another country. And so I was delighted to be able to go there for their wedding. You know, it was going be awesome. So I hadn't seen them in a few years and I was just so excited.

Felix (10:06): So I go there. I'm traveling alone. Right? And I think like a lot of gay men when they travel alone, like you'd carve out some time for yourself to like, you know, maybe have some fun, maybe have a few little dalliances before you have to do the things, you know? So I said, we'll get there a day early so I have time with myself.

Felix (10:27): You know? Maybe I can find a nice person to meet and hang out with before, you know, I have to be with my friends all weekend. Right? Well, that's what happened. I was in this town and I opened, you know, I opened Grindr, a very famous gay app, and a very, very handsome man sent me a message.

Felix (10:49): So he said he would like to meet. And I was like, okay, sure. When I looked at him and I saw him for the first time, it was truly like a moment of like, it did feel like time had stopped. It felt like there should be like an orchestral swell of some kind where it's like, we locked eyes and we just both smiled and it was like, hi. And it was like a hi.

Felix (11:12): It's as in like, there you are. I've been looking for you. It felt so familiar and so comfortable right off the bat. So we talked for a little bit. We did some other stuff and you know, the sun came out.

Felix (11:26): It was a cloudy rainy day and the sun came out and he's like, well, would you, do you fancy a pint? Should we go get a pint? And I was like, yeah, sure. So we go to this bar and the conversation is so easy. He's so charming.

Felix (11:43): He's so intelligent. I feel very seen. I feel very recognized by him. And something that was very vivid for me too was people came up to us and said, you guys are just the most adorable, radiant couple. You guys must have such a strong relationship.

Felix (12:02): How, how long have you guys been together? Meanwhile, we had met seven hours ago. Right? So like, we were like both like, oh wow, like that's really interesting. And I was already feeling this, this connection.

Felix (12:15): Right? But I'm like, this, at this point, you don't know. Is it going to be just like a vacation romance thing that like never comes to fruit or whatever? But people could see and were remarking on how we looked together and how our energy was so radiant and it was so good together. Right?

Felix (12:34): So we eventually, you know, go back to the hotel. I invite him to sleep over with me at the hotel. We spent the whole next day together. We talk a lot about like past relationships and stuff. I was very open about my relationship with my ex And he was just listening and paying attention.

Felix (12:54): And he, I remember he said, wow, if I were lucky enough to have you as, as my fella, like I would never treat you like these people. I would never do that. And I was like, that feels so good to hear. Right? Like, wow, somebody who recognizes that I don't deserve to be treated that way.

Unknown Speaker (13:11): Like, this is awesome. Right? I asked him about his exes. Didn't have much to say, honestly. He was like, yeah, I don't know.

Felix (13:19): Haven't been in a relationship for like, I don't know, like ten years or whatever. You know, my one ex cheated on me and he was an asshole. So I got rid of him. And then my other ex, we were together for a few years and we just grew apart. And so it's just kinda it ended that way.

Felix (13:35): But I was also open about the fact that, like, usually, my relationships have been non monogamous. Now I'm not a polyamorous person. Like, I don't need seven boyfriends, but I believe in ethical non monogamy, you know? And I've done a lot of reading on that, and I've done a lot of, like, work with my own communication ability and to make that work in the, in past relationships. Right?

Felix (14:02): And it's usually some people for whom it is a deal breaker. It's not a, not an issue. Right? So we went into all that kind of stuff too. And so then it was my friend's wedding.

Felix (14:11): That was actually the reason I was there. So we hung out up until the pre drinks for like the welcome party the day before the wedding. And he was like, well, I hope I see you again before you leave. And I said, well, as luck would have it, I actually need accommodation for the night after the wedding. And he was like, well, then you can stay at my house.

Felix (14:33): So I was like, that sounds great. I love that. So I'll see you then. So weekend, wedding, so, so beautiful. And then the day after the wedding, I meet up, I drop my belongings off at his work.

Felix (14:47): You know, he hides them in the back office for me. He says, you know, when I get off, I'll come meet you and your friends. Cause we were kind of out doing like a little pub crawl And he did. And everyone thought he was so charming. And they were like, oh, this is his boyfriend that he's been talking about, his little weekend boyfriend that he's had.

Felix (15:04): Oh, he's so, oh, he's so handsome. Oh, he's so charming. And, that was my last night there. And I remember at one point just breaking down and beginning to cry. We were like cuddling outside of the pub.

Felix (15:17): And I just remember starting to cry and he was like, honey, what's wrong? And I was like, it's so unfair that I have to leave this behind because I have to go back to my reality when I have never felt so seen, so cared for, so held, so listened to. And I just feel so safe with you and so comfortable with you. And and I said how cruel it is that I found this thing that is so feels so right and I have to leave it behind. And he basically, he looked at me and he gave me a kiss and he said, you are perfect.

Felix (15:53): Anybody who tells you that you are too much or that that you're not enough, they're not your people, and they can go fuck themselves. And I just started crying again, again, again. And so, yeah, it was just like, I can't underscore how much I believed this. I really, really, really wanted this to be real, and it felt real, but it was like only three days of knowing this person. So I leave the next day, and it was a very difficult goodbye, very difficult goodbye.

Felix (16:24): I had to fly back to The States. We exchanged numbers, and he was like, don't be a stranger. He was like, well, I'm a very good communicator, and the plan is not to be a stranger with you. Because again, this felt rare and unique and special. So, you know, I got back to The United States and we kept in contact daily.

Felix (16:46): I mean, within days of my being back in The States, he and I were already talking about him coming here to visit. I was sharing the program for like the tourist visa waiver so he could like fill out the paperwork and all of that. And we communicated daily, like all the time. And on the phone for three hours at a time, four hours at a time, just talking and laughing and just like getting to know each other more deeply and just really thinking that how we met was so unlikely because yeah, neither of us were from that country. Right?

Felix (17:27): So it seemed so rare. Like I said, it was like a movie.

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Brandon Chadwick (18:33): I'll also put the link in the episode description. So just to kind of point out here, it's a couple things. You're getting this fairy tale movie, society kind of fantasy that's thrown in here, and you're getting the idea of fate as well, on top of a massive love bombing here. So you have this trio of things and then, as you mentioned before, you have these people who knew you on one you know, you knew each other for a day, less than a day, and people are coming up to you telling you like how you two look together. So now you're getting this outside enforcement that this was the right thing to do.

Brandon Chadwick (19:19): So it's like four things are combining here to make you feel like this is the way to go And on top of this, what also is gonna be difficult is you're in a long distance relationship. So, there's gonna be a lot of things here that you're not gonna be able to see right away that might, you know, but so there's a lot of things that are going to happen here that like you're already trapped. You just don't know it

Felix (19:47): yet. Right. You know, and so during the this was, I mean, was a year ago essentially, right? That I'm talking about. So I was doing like a lot of singing stuff.

Felix (20:02): And I, like I said, I was trying to, you know, strategize and help him with like the visa process to like come here to visit me. My birthday's in the summer. And as a teacher, I'm off in the summertime. So, you know, it seemed like a good time. Like maybe if he could be here for my birthday, like that would be really lovely.

Felix (20:21): And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. Like, we'll figure out these dates. And then he went on a holiday, like for a long weekend. He went to Budapest and, he was like on video with me, like walking me around the city as though I were there.

Felix (20:37): And it was when he was there that we finally like told each other like that we love, that we loved each other, which was weeks after we met. Right? So, we were talking about like the openness and the distance and stuff. And we had very candid conversations about what that would look like, have it being open in an open relationship across distance. Right?

Felix (21:00): And I said, listen, I want you to enjoy yourself. Right? Like, you know, you have needs. I'm not there. God bless Godspeed.

Felix (21:09): I have no problem with it. I and I said, I don't necessarily need you to, like, feel like you have to, like, tell me the details of anything because, like, I know how we feel about each other. And I don't feel like you don't need my permission and you don't need to feel like you have to like report back or whatever, you know? So it's like, just do what you want. At the end of the day, I know that you and I are the real thing.

Felix (21:32): So yeah, just like have, you know, have your- have fun. Right? And he was like, yeah, no, I totally agree. I feel the same way. So basically I was looking at these flights and then eventually he was like, well, you know, I don't really have the money right now to do that, but I really wanna come.

Felix (21:53): And like, I just oh, man. I just love you so much. And I so I offered to buy his ticket to The States for him, and he accepted. And so I did. And he was like so elated.

Unknown Speaker (22:02): He was like, oh my god. I can't believe we did it. But then he spiraled into this work anxiety. And then he was like, oh, I hope I don't get in trouble at work. He worked at a a bar.

Felix (22:13): He was a manager at a bar. He was like, I really hope I don't get in trouble. I just realized that that week is like this huge event in town and it's like all hands on deck and I'm kind of freaking out and all of this. And I was emotionally walking him through like, this is what you could do. Here are our solutions.

Felix (22:31): And so I was noticing there was like anxiety spirals happening. So I was like, I can help you through this. He was very grateful for that. Very grateful. There was one occasion though, early in the relationship when we were on the phone and just normal conversation.

Felix (22:47): And I have, my upstairs neighbors are kind of rude. And, they were leaving the door to my apartment downstairs unlocked. And I live on a very busy street where there's a lot of foot traffic. I live in a big city. It's not safe.

Felix (23:01): So I was kind of venting about this. And I noticed that I heard the call drop, but I didn't end it, and it wasn't like a a service problem. And so the call dropped, and I texted him and I said, did you hang up on me? And he was like, yeah, I did. And I was like, why?

Felix (23:17): He was like, I was really just sick of hearing about it, to be honest. I was just sick of listening to you complain. And I was like, oh, sorry. I thought I was like just sharing something that was frustrating to me, like venting to you about it. I think there's, I think there's room for that.

Felix (23:34): And like hanging up on me really hurts my feelings. And he was like, sorry. And then we went to bed. And that, yeah, that was like, okay, like, I don't know. Like maybe he's just having a bad night.

Felix (23:46): Then, you know, he tells me basically, like, he had told his parents that he's coming to The States. I had told my dad. And he was like, oh, I hope that that, you know, me hanging up on you doesn't paint me in a bad light. I hope you don't think differently of me. And I was like, no, I mean, it's fine.

Felix (24:03): Just like you I told you how I feel. Like, just please, like, don't do that. It's like not you know, there's ways to change the topic. Whatever. So, it's coming up to my birthday and he gets on the plane, and he comes to The States.

Felix (24:18): So I had a lot planned for when he was here, and a lot of it was surprises. You know? Like, we went to my birthday party, we had a picnic on the river, it was beautiful, he met all my friends, they loved him. On my actual birthday, we went to New York City. He always wanted to go to New York, so I took him around, showed him New York City.

Felix (24:40): We met my brother and my sister-in-law and had dinner with them. They loved him. He basically told my brother in private, would it be okay if I married your brother? And my brother was like, yeah, man. Like, yeah, it's clear you guys care about each other.

Felix (24:56): It's clear you're very loved. Like, yeah, absolutely. Because on this trip, that was when he was like, I wanna marry you one day. Would you say yes? And I was like, I would.

Felix (25:06): So he's fully integrated in so many areas of my life and everybody just adores him. They see how we are together. They see how, like, how easy it is. So there were some times when he was here though, that were a bit weird, in retrospect. So I made us mac and cheese.

Felix (25:27): And he was like, you don't no. You don't need any more mac and cheese. We need to go to bed. And I was like, but I want more mac and cheese. I made it.

Felix (25:35): I want more mac and cheese. He was like, no, it's bedtime. We have to go to bed. And I was like, I when I say though that that's what I want, like, that's what I want. Like, that's why are you telling me that, like, I can't have anymore?

Felix (25:47): And it became a really weird, tense moment that didn't need to happen. This is essentially the ninth or tenth day we had physically spent in each other's presence because the majority of this is just WhatsApp and talking and texting. Right? So we're still sussing each other out. It's still new.

Unknown Speaker (26:05): Right? So then he leaves and it's very sad. It's very sad because we have to go back to doing long distance. He had just been here for a week. He got to see my whole world.

Felix (26:15): And it was at this point when he went back to where we met that we started talking about him moving here and figuring out logistically the easiest way to do that. So we started very, very seriously looking into this and I learned so much. I learned so much. So yeah, you know, I started school again right after he left and he actually went back to the pub where we had our first date. And it was so romantic, right?

Felix (26:44): Like the mythologizing of like all these rituals, all these places, the fatedness of how we met. And at this point I began planning a surprise. US Labor Day weekend is like the first weekend of September. And I had a long weekend and I said, I'm gonna orchestrate a surprise visit for him with his friends where he lives. And I did just that.

Felix (27:09): And they were so on board. I secretly flew back to where we met, and his friends hid me in the back of a pub until he was done work. And I was there surprising him. They got it on video. He seemed so genuinely shocked.

Felix (27:28): The the look on his face was just genuine shock, and we had the loveliest visit. It was really awesome to be back where we met. And yeah, like I, I put a lot of money and intention and time into this. Right? Because I love, I loved him.

Felix (27:47): And it was only a long weekend. It was only three days. And so after that, he was like, no one's ever done anything like that for me. Like, you're you are the love of my life. I'm gonna marry you.

Felix (27:58): You know, you're my husband. Like, you're my future. I love you so much. Now at this point, the visa that he was living in this country on was due to expire. He was on a work travel visa.

Felix (28:10): He was like, I don't know what else to do other than move back to my home country, which is very far away. So that was not something that I was too keen on because we're already doing long distance. But from here to Europe, it's like five, six hours. That's still manageable. Right?

Felix (28:29): If it's afternoon here, it's evening there. Okay. We can still have some semblance of a normal time. But when he did this, we were looking at a fifteen to sixteen hour time difference, which is daunting and difficult. So basically, he and I talked about it a lot.

Felix (28:49): And he said, you are my future. I'm going to move with you. I'm going to move to where you are. I need to go back and work and save money so that then I can I can come and be with you, and we can do our plan that we have been doing with the visa and everything and and getting married? And I just remember having this feeling in my gut, like, he shouldn't go back there.

Felix (29:13): I was like, something something is going to go awry if he goes back there. And it was just a gut feeling. I didn't have any proof. But his he was calling me sobbing the night before his flight back to his country being like, is this the right decision? But he was clearly very distraught about leaving where he was currently living.

Felix (29:31): He had all these friends, and it was something I could relate to because I had the same experience with China. I didn't wanna leave China. I had to. He didn't wanna leave this place. He felt like he had to.

Felix (29:42): Right? So I was like, I've been there. I know how hard it is, but these are your lifetime friends. You know? Like, that's how I met you because these are friends that I will have for my whole life.

Felix (29:55): And so he goes back. He goes back to his country. And, this is when things start to to markedly shift. Because up until this point, I had no reason to to feel like anything was wrong. But so he goes back to his country, and immediately, I'm a very logistically minded person.

Felix (30:12): You know? I'm very much like, I'm gonna share my Google Calendar with you. We can put it in our schedule so we can, like, schedule times where we can talk on the phone, video chat, whatever. Oh, that's such a good idea. Oh, I'm just I'm such rubbish with this kind of stuff.

Unknown Speaker (30:26): You'll have to show me how to do it one time. And so I walked him through it. And, he was like, oh, I can't figure it out. I'll do it later. Okay.

Felix (30:34): He's dealing with a lot of reverse culture shock being back in his home country. He's dealing with depression from having to leave his friends from how hard it is to be so far away from me. And I remember at this point, he kept in conversation basically giving me an exit if I wanted one. He basically would say things like, I know this is really hard. If you change your mind and you feel like you don't wanna do this, I would completely understand because I know it's so difficult.

Felix (31:07): Or he'd be like, it seems like you're giving up already. And I'd be like, don't say these things. I'm committed. I actually made the decision to step back from chorus for a season because our rehearsals are in the evening and evening is the best time with the time difference for us to connect. Right?

Felix (31:27): And I knew that he was like feeling a little depressed and I wanted to make myself available. So that was a huge sacrifice because that's a huge part of my life and my community. So at a certain point, it was, it would have been October of last year. He was being so sweet. You know, my mom's birthday was in October.

Felix (31:48): He sent me a little gift of a framed sky the night we met, and it had the night that we met, and it had, like, a snapshot of the stars. I love astronomy. I love constellations, like, ever since I was little. So that was, like, such a touching gift to receive on my mom's birthday when grief grief surfaces got up again on hard anniversaries like that. And I I was like, oh, that's such a lovely gift.

Felix (32:12): I had gotten him up for his birthday. There's these little bracelets that are like Bluetooth where no matter how far you are, they're for long distance. If you hit the bracelet, it'll send somebody like I love you message or an I miss you message. So, again, trying to engineer and be the architect of like the glue and the structure that can keep this going across literally the other side of the world. So in October of last year, he tells me that he's not feeling well.

Felix (32:46): And he got really sick. He does all these tests. He gets his test results back, and it shows up that everything's normal, but the HIV test that they ran on him came back inconclusive, which only happens if the infection is recent. You don't have enough antibodies for the HIV virus to appear as like a positive test result yet. Right?

Felix (33:14): And I'm immediately like all of my past, like trauma of like having accidentally given my ex boyfriend and a friend of ours HIV immediately comes back. And I'm like, there's no way it was me. There's no way it could have been me. I have been on medicine for ten years. I am undetectable.

Felix (33:36): The common wisdom is undetectable, is untransmissible. But I was second guessing myself even though I know this is all true. And I went back for five years and I looked at all of my test results, and I'm like, no. I'm undetectable. I'm undetectable.

Felix (33:50): Nope. There was never a blip. Never anything weird. So basically, again, we're in an open relationship. And I was like, well, I don't think you got it from me.

Felix (34:01): Like and he's like, yeah, it's so weird. Like, I haven't been with anybody since you, since, you know, since we were together when you came and surprised me. Like, that's so weird. I just don't know how this could happen. And again, we had talked about our openness.

Felix (34:16): He knew I was having, like, casual hookups, and he was, like, very adamant. Like, know I'm allowed. I don't want to. You're the only guy for me. I don't feel the need to do that.

Felix (34:27): I want you to do whatever you want. So he's positioning himself as this person that, like, is morally above kind of doing this casual hookup situation, even though that is totally fine with me and has always been. And eventually I just had to come out and say, I don't believe you. Are you sure you have not been with anybody that you could have had a risky exposure with? Well, you know, I guess there was this one person, but well, like we didn't even do anything to, you know, that would like get me HIV or whatever.

Felix (35:03): And I'm just here like gobsmacked. Like, why have you lied about this? Because there's no reason to lie. We are in an open relationship. You know I don't care if you're hooking up with people.

Felix (35:17): Why would you lie? And he was like, oh, I was just so afraid of how you would react. I was afraid that you would think I was cheating on you. And I was just like, now I don't know why you would think that because we're nope, we're open, but it really bothers me that you lied to me about this. And for almost a week, you lied to me about this.

Felix (35:40): And so essentially what happened was I just had to end the call with him and was like, I need time to think about this. Because I felt so nauseated by his deception because it seemed so baseless. It was so weird. There was another moment too. I went to brunch with my dad.

Felix (36:00): And for some reason I had a, I had a panic attack. And I shared that with my ex. And he was like, I don't understand what reason you have to have a panic attack. What's wrong? And I was like, well, that's how panic attacks work.

Felix (36:14): There's need to be a reason for them. Like, they can just happen. He was like, your life is there's literally nothing wrong in your life. You live your life normally. You do whatever you want, and I'm stuck here and I'm miserable.

Felix (36:30): And do you wanna know how it's been going for me? Do you? Like, because I've been absolutely miserable and you don't seem to care and just completely exploding at me. So, like, something is shifting at this point in the relationship. Right?

Felix (36:48): And so that was just really confusing when I share a feeling about, oh, I had a panic attack, completely flips it, makes it about himself and about how miserable he is and how I have no reason to feel that way because my life is perfect. I can do whatever I want. I would later learn that you can do whatever you want was actually code for you are able to hook up more easily than I am and I am uncomfortable with that. But I didn't know that at the time.

Brandon Chadwick (37:16): So just to do a little bit of a recap, there's been cracks so far. There's been some cracks. There's been lies. There's been minimizing your experience. There's been flipping things around on you.

Brandon Chadwick (37:28): So every all this stuff is back on him. So now you're focusing on him. He's been exploding at you. The long distance here is masking things. You've given up choir, which is something that you love, but you wanted to make this whole relationship work.

Brandon Chadwick (37:42): So you've given up something that you love. You just created this calendar to get your times on schedule for talks. And then this person is challenging your commitment, saying things like, seems like you're giving up already, which to someone like you who learned from your mom to bend over backwards, that's going to make you try harder. So eventually you want to surprise him for Christmas and you tell him, but because of that old mutual protection order from your previous ex, you must fill out tons of paperwork. So what happens in this process?

Felix (38:21): We're in November at this point leading up to my Christmas visit, and I had gotten him a little care package after his diagnosis with a little blanket and a notebook, and I was like, you should write down your feelings. Again, trying to be so supportive, as supportive as I as I can. And my visa's processing. And at this point, I noticed that the way that the texts are coming through from him are much more demanding. It's much more like my swiftness of response or lack thereof is being used as evidence that I don't care about him.

Felix (39:03): Or for example, I got us those little tap bracelets. Like, if he tapped on the bracelet and I I didn't tap him back fast enough, he was like he would count. He'd be like, I sent you all these taps on the bracelet. You didn't and you didn't send it back. And it's like, oh, I'm sorry.

Felix (39:18): The Bluetooth got disconnected. You know? It's technical difficulties where like, oh, I'm sorry. I was teaching. I didn't realize.

Felix (39:25): So these tools that basically were my intention for them was to be making, keeping us closer ended up becoming like tools of, of like surveillance and of like proof testing, like proof of, of commitment and care. Right? So we are now in December and still nothing on my visa. And I remember it was, again, if I'm out with my family, he's texting me nonstop. He's staying up till very late.

Felix (40:00): So you have to imagine if it is noon here, it is four in the morning where he is, and he's just still just texting me. I was at the Christmas village with my dad texting me sad, self deprecating messages. Like, why aren't you, why aren't you responding to me? And it's like, you have access to my calendar. You know I have plans.

Felix (40:20): I told you I have these plans. It's also really late. Because he would say I'm drinking is the thing. Like, he would stay up and he would be drinking, especially red wine. That was the thing.

Felix (40:31): I could hear him opening the bottles, so I knew what it was. There were many nights when I would just be sitting up waiting for him to wake up because it's my evening, his morning, and I wouldn't hear from him before bed. And so then that's why he would be like drunk messaging me in the afternoon the next day because he's not sleeping. I feel like I told him, I feel like that we're getting into this dynamic where like there's not room for my feelings here. And I'm constantly tending to yours and being very mindful of your feelings, but mine don't get the same.

Felix (41:05): And shockingly, seem to get it. Oh my gosh. I had no idea. Everything you say makes perfect sense. So basically, my visa is still not coming through.

Felix (41:18): And it gets down to the wire where it's days before the trip for Christmas, and I still don't have a visa. So it's looking like it's not gonna happen. And I did everything I could. I got an FBI screening. I threw every document that the government's immigration department could have ever wanted.

Felix (41:41): But if there if it wasn't coming through, I can't get on the plane. I can't travel to the other side of the world without a visa. They won't let me through security. It's impossible. And that was devastating because we were so looking forward to this.

Felix (41:55): Right? And it was part of the mythologizing of like, oh my gosh. Our love lasts across distance, and we always find each other. And Christmas was gonna be the time that we really just have to be with each other after so many months. And it didn't happen because my visa did not come through.

Felix (42:15): And it was devastating. I was absolutely wrecked. So was he. Right? And Christmas is when the majority of the volatility really just ramped up to exponents.

Felix (42:30): Like after I was be, I would be at my family's house, like he was with his family and he had been withdrawing, you know? And I was like, I feel really disconnected. Can we find a time to chat? No, I'm busy with my family. Didn't have any time for me to talk.

Felix (42:49): Then I call him and he tells me I'm being needy. And he tells me that, you know, he has obligations to other people besides me and I need to accept that. Meanwhile, that never mattered when I did, But and then he hung up on me. And then over Christmas, he's drinking a lot. He's very depressed.

Felix (43:09): He's telling me that the best thing that I could get him for Christmas was to do a different visa route than the one we we were going to do. He wants to do one that was like the fiance visa, which requires us to be apart from each other for longer and is also more expensive. So he's basically making these ultimatums of like, no, it's my ass on the line. It's not yours. So if you're really serious about this, we can do it this way or not at all, but I'm not changing my mind on this.

Felix (43:37): And I was like, okay. It I know you're very emotional right now. Seems like this should be a more collaborative conversation. Let's talk about this some other time when emotions aren't so high. Right?

Felix (43:49): Then Christmas day comes and he reveals that he was going to propose to me at his family's house on Christmas day. And I was like, wow, I would've said yes, you know? So he's like, wow, you know, like you're not even really that excited about it. Like, I wish that like you would've had a more positive reaction. And meanwhile, that proposal that didn't happen that he's now telling me for, I guess, emotional leverage is like the last thing on my mind because he has been so emotional and so volatile.

Felix (44:23): And at this point is when I start to name the patterns that I see most prevalently, like straw manning, things that I say. I taught logical fallacies at university for years. I know their names. Yours he would straw man me. The things that I would say, he would take and simplify them so they're easier to shoot down.

Felix (44:42): The what about ism that, you know, oh, I have an issue. Oh, well, what about when you did this three months ago, you know, you're no angel. Or basically just minimizing or deflecting anything that I said. And I said, I am doing so much emotional labor. I am hyper vigilant of your emotions and your tone.

Felix (45:04): I am always worrying about how I need to word things so that they will land and you will hear them, and that is really exhausting. And so it just was such a volatile Christmas. It it was one of the worst Christmases I've ever had. And it was because I thought we weren't together. I thought that's why.

Felix (45:23): I kept thinking if we can just be with each other, none of this will be happening. I thought that the distance was responsible for these things. And I said, that's why I wanna get to each other. So the new year happens, you know, and again, there's just many different things that I can speak to that were just suddenly very changed about him. Like, whenever he would be out with his friends, I should not be expecting him to text me back.

Felix (45:54): He is not available. He's busy. Also, like, when I'm out with my friends or my dad or my family, whoever, if I don't respond, that is proof that I am ignoring him or I don't care about him. So the inequality of he can withdraw, he can use his friends as a reason that he's not responding, and that's okay. But I can't do that.

Felix (46:17): I can't do that. Then my visa comes through finally, like almost a month after Christmas, a little more than a month after Christmas, it finally comes through. And, I'm elated. I am elated. So immediately, we're trying to figure out when I can come, when I can come to see him.

Felix (46:35): We had a long weekend over, like, lunar new year, and it was president's day here. So there was a weekend in February that seemed good. So I am so excited to share this news with him that my visa came through. And the plan had been because Christmas didn't work out, I would go around spring break. And then after that, he would come back here with me, and then we would start our plan.

Felix (47:00): So the plan was still happening. We just keep we kept having to move it back. So I wake him up and I'm like, babe, check your texts. Look. My visa came through.

Felix (47:11): Let's start, let's talk dates. Like, I'm so excited. And then I was like, okay, now let's look at your flights because you're gonna have to come back with me like we talked about. Right? He hung up the phone very suddenly.

Felix (47:23): He was like, I have to go. He became physically ill at this prospect. And this is when I was like so, again, confused because we had been waiting for this moment forever. Every single day, I would check the account to see if something happened on it. Right?

Felix (47:42): He was even very distrustful of like, did I do everything right? Did I fill out all the forms right? He was demanding like my login to this account so that he could check it for himself. I'm like, go ahead, have that. I did everything.

Felix (47:55): And so that was a very weird reaction of him to have being physically ill at the prospect of like making this thing real that I thought we were both on board with. So then it becomes, listen, I just want you to do your trip here. I can't think about moving to The States right now. Like I really can't. It's just too soon.

Felix (48:16): I wanna make sure that I'm in a good financial position. I'm simply just not ready. And that hurt, That hurt because later in the following weeks, then he would call me drunk and tell me that he didn't wanna move to The States at all. And this is before my trip. So my question was, if you don't wanna come here, though, and you don't wanna, you don't wanna be with me and live together, what is the future of this relationship?

Felix (48:44): Because again, we can't just do long distance indefinitely. There has to be an end goal. So he eventually, before my trip still, we're talking about, you know, him coming here still. And I had some time. I was at work.

Felix (48:59): I had some time and I called him because I knew he was awake. It was one of those many, many nights where he was not going to bed. And it was like four or five in the morning. He sends me a confirmation for the flights that we had talked about. And I was excited and I was shocked that he booked it so spontaneously.

Felix (49:19): And I was like, honey, I'm that's amazing. I'm so excited. I was I have to go to a meeting right now. I'll call you after. And it'll be like in like forty minutes, forty five minutes.

Felix (49:29): Call him back. First thing I do. He's like, you didn't even like my Instagram story. He posts this flight confirmation on on Instagram. I was like, no, I called you.

Felix (49:39): And he was like, yeah, maybe I should just cancel it. You clearly aren't excited. You clearly don't even want me to come. You know, I just did something that's so important and I just expected a little more celebration, but you don't really seem to care. And I was like, explaining again.

Felix (49:53): Like, why am I over explaining? Like, I have a meeting. I am at work. It's not that I'm not excited. I oh, I I'm so perplexed because why isn't this getting through?

Felix (50:05): It's not that I'm not excited. It's that I'm at work right now, and I called you back as soon as I did. And now instead of us trying to celebrate, you're basically threatening to cancel the trip because I didn't perform the celebration that you required or expected. Right? And that was a thing that he would never understand.

Felix (50:26): And it was to the point where it was so volatile and he was being so obstinate and everything was a fight. Everything was a fight. And I was like, do you want me to come? Because it doesn't seem like this is in a good place right here. I know Christmas was really hard, but ever since that, it's gotten so much worse.

Felix (50:48): So basically, he was like, yes. Do you wanna come? And I was like, yes. But only if things are solid enough and stable enough for us to be good. And that's I was like, that's important to me.

Felix (51:03): And he was like, okay, good. Then I'll see you when you get here. And so then I get on a plane and it's twenty four hours of travel and I'm exhausted. And I get there and it was like the picture perfect reunion after all of this volatility and all of the rupture over Christmas when that didn't work out. He had a little flag for me like I did.

Felix (51:29): He had a little plushie for me. He was there waiting for me at the airport. We went around the city. We had the loveliest day. We walked around.

Felix (51:39): He was taking pictures of me. He was so excited that I was there. It was an awesome day. Like it was truly like, it was one of those moments where I'm like, this is right. This is what I've been trying to get back to.

Felix (51:52): See, I knew that as soon as it wasn't the distance that we could just be like we always have been. Because every time we've been in person together, it was fine. And so I was so delighted. And so we drive back to where he lives. He lives in a very small town that's like less than 3,000 people, truly.

Felix (52:12): And the reason that we picked this weekend partially too was that it was Valentine's Day weekend, and two of his best friends, were getting married. And so the day before, we have a lovely day, and we drive back to town so that we can wake up on Valentine's Day and have like cute little brunch and go to the wedding. So we wake up on Valentine's Day, go and get brunch. And it's so romantic. I had gotten him a little present that I had delivered to his house that we could open when we're together.

Felix (52:43): There was a little jewelry shop that was adjacent to the the brunch spot. And the shopkeep was like, you know, he's been eyeing this ring for, like, weeks. You know? Like, hint hint. And I was like, oh, yeah.

Felix (52:56): You know? So he was on the phone with his mom, and I discreetly went, and I bought him this ring. And we're having a lovely brunch. We do crossword puzzles, and we go and get a coffee, and we go and get ready to go to the the wedding. The wedding was a small ceremony.

Felix (53:16): It was 20 people. He was invited. But because I was, like, a more last minute kind of person coming, there wasn't room for me, which I was totally fine with. So we go to the house where the the reception is going to be, and he gets all spiffy. I surprise him with the ring.

Felix (53:32): You know? I was like, you know, you look great, but this could make you look better. And he was just like, oh my god. You are the best. You're so romantic.

Felix (53:40): You always surprise me. So I said, listen. If you need someone to stay here and make sure this is all good, I got you. I used to work in catering. I know how to make a space pretty and ready for an event.

Felix (53:52): Like so I said, yeah, I'll stock the beer fridge. I will make sure all the linens are good. When the DJ arrived, I helped him kind of figure out where to set up. When the caterers arrived, I showed them into the kitchen. I accidentally became the point person for like everybody at this wedding.

Felix (54:09): It was only my second day in this country. I wanted to do it because these are his dear friends and I wanted, I want to be helpful. So, you know, basically, people come back. The reception's going. It's great.

Felix (54:20): I am very extroverted. I I'm able to talk to a lot of different people. I am also the only American there. And by virtue of how I talk, people marked me as other very quickly and they wanted to talk to me. So I was like, oh, wow, this is great.

Felix (54:39): My partner was going around being a social butterfly and I was letting him do his thing. I'm a guest here, truly. So, you know, there's drinking. It's a wedding reception. And, I say to my partner like, hey, why don't we go get this fire started?

Felix (54:56): Because there was like a little fire pit and I said, it's gonna get colder. So yeah, let's, let's make sure that we have that ready for everybody. So it was windy. I built the fire. The wind is stymieing my lighter.

Felix (55:08): He says, wait. I have an idea. He goes, gets a bottle of vodka from the bar, and pours vodka all over the firewood and my lighter. So now at this point, two older men come and see me struggling and they're like, oh, let us show you how, you know, how a real man lights a fire. And so my partner goes, oh yeah, no, absolutely.

Felix (55:28): He's useless. He's absolutely useless, which is like, ouch. Okay. So I said, you know what, guys? Go ahead.

Felix (55:35): Absolutely. I'll let you I'll leave you to it. Because my feelings are now hurt because being called useless after I had done so much to make the reception work when everyone was gone at the wedding because I wanted to is not only it's not only hurtful. It's just actually incorrect. And I, at this point, I'm like, hey, can I, like, talk to you for, five minutes?

Felix (56:00): I just wanna, like, check-in about something. And he was like, no. Why? What's wrong? And I was like, just wanna talk to you.

Felix (56:07): Just, come out front. I just wanna touch base with you about something. He was I'm at my best friend's wedding, and you're being dramatic. And I was like, oh, okay. So over the course of the next many hours, I try repeatedly to just clear the air every time, increasingly short with me.

Felix (56:26): Why are you being such a drama queen? You are literally trying to take the fun out of this day. Can't you just leave me alone? I clearly don't want to talk to you. Like I clearly, like just leave me alone.

Felix (56:35): And so eventually a friend of his notices that I I'm looking sad, and she agrees to, like, try to help me get through to him. And so she was like, yeah. No. I think he's willing to listen to you. And I go there.

Felix (56:48): And again, I I have never even to this day gotten the sentence out that would have been such an easy repair. All I wanted to say was like, hey. I'm a stranger here. I want us to be like a team. That comment was really humiliating.

Felix (57:04): I need I really need your support. I need you that's all I wanted to say. That takes fifteen seconds. And so he's never even heard that because it was immediately like, oh my god. Why are you so you're overdramatic.

Felix (57:15): You're too sensitive. And then he said what really did it for me was he said, oh, you're being a selfish cunt is what he said to me. And at this point, and after hours of being ignored emotionally and being left out to dry, And after all of the sacrifices that I have made for this relationship and for him and all of the fights and all of the emotional work that I've been doing up until this point, then to be called that, which is so mean and just cruel, I snapped. I had, like, maybe a centimeter of beer in a glass, and I chucked it in his face. And I was like, fuck you, man.

Felix (57:55): And I walked away. I go and collect myself, go to the bathroom, I smoke a cigarette, and I'm like, damn. That was wrong. That was wrong. You shouldn't have reacted like that.

Felix (58:04): Even though, you did reach a point where you couldn't, you couldn't take it anymore. It still wasn't your best moment. You should go find him and apologize. So I was like, okay, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go find him.

Felix (58:15): I'm gonna apologize. So I go, I go back from the front of the house back into the backyard. And I notice out of my peripheral vision, my ex making a beeline toward me at high speed. And he's shouting at me and cursing at me and starts shoving me and trying to knock me down to the ground saying, who the fuck do you think you are? Nobody fucking does that to me and does this with many people around.

Felix (58:44): And it turns out there were six guys that were playing pool nearby, and they saw it immediately. They came over and they had to pull him off of me. And his friends came to me and were like, are you okay? Are you come with us. And at this point, I tell everybody what happened of all the stuff I've been dealing with before I came to his country, all the stuff that I had done for us and for him, all of the stuff I'd been doing that day, what was said, my part in throwing the beer.

Felix (59:14): I owned up to all of it. I owned up to that it was wrong. I was going to apologize. And they were like, yeah. He gets like that when he drinks sometimes.

Felix (59:24): We've seen it. And basically they were very validating. And it was very telling to me that they came to me who they didn't know rather than their friend. So the rest of the night, he was so cold to me, essentially ignored me, or if he had to say something was just very cruel. But my body now is not feeling safe around him because he has, he assaulted me.

Felix (59:52): And basically it was noticeable enough that a stranger came up to me and handed me his phone and it said, are you safe? Do you need help? And I was like, wow. Okay. So we leave the wedding.

Felix (1:00:05): We go back to the hotel. I am so hurt. I am so shaken. And I lose it at him in the car. No matter what I did, assaulting somebody is wrong.

Felix (1:00:17): Right? And it's unacceptable. And at this point, he reaches over from the driver's seat and starts to choke me out. And I could not believe it. I smacked him off me.

Felix (1:00:29): I was like, great. Oh, so now we're choking me too. And what did I do to deserve that? Right. So not at all feeling safe with this person.

Felix (1:00:40): And it turns out that I was gonna be there for ten days, and this was only day two. So the rest of the trip was very weird because I tried to tell him, like, I am simply right now, I don't feel physically safe around you because of what you did. It's going to be hard for me to want to be intimate with you, to be close to you, to be attracted to you. And I said to him, I said, if one of your girlfriends told you that their boyfriend did to me what you did to me or did to them what you did to me, what would you tell them? He said, I would tell them to break up with him.

Felix (1:01:18): And I was like, right. So why doesn't the same logic apply to me? And he says, because it's different because I'll change. And again, now I've heard this October, December, like a million times and nothing's changing. So I said to him, at what point does this make me a sucker?

Felix (1:01:36): Like, at what point do I become a sucker for continuing to believe you? And I basically said, listen, for the rest of this trip, you better treat me like a prince because what you've done is so abysmal, and you need to make good for this. And you need to you need to understand how dire what you've done is and how I don't feel comfortable anymore. So did he do that? No.

Felix (1:02:04): What he did instead was, self victimize and pout because of the things that I said to him about how I felt because he assaulted me. Right. So he was so fixated on the fact that I said that I wasn't attracted to him. And he was like, that's really hard to hear. Like, I can't believe that, like, you said that about me.

Felix (1:02:26): Like, it just makes me feel really bad. And I said, and? That's a normal reaction. That's called shame. You have to sit with it.

Unknown Speaker (1:02:33): I can't do that for you. I can't accelerate this process or exonerate or absolve your shame. I cannot do that for you. So, yeah, I'm so sorry. Sit with it.

Felix (1:02:40): If that helps you remember why it was so wrong what you did, good. That's the point. So basically, you know, he was like, well, how long is it gonna take for you to feel like safe around me again? And I was like, I don't know. That's not something I could put on a clock and quantify and say like, oh, in seventy two hours, everything will be back to normal.

Felix (1:03:01): It's not how this works. Your behavior will show me that. It did not. I mean, he moped for the next several days and was very withholding and quiet when we were together. And then as soon as we would go out in public though, he was a different person.

Felix (1:03:16): He was a different person. When we were around his coworkers, he was fusively praising me like, oh my god. He's so smart. I love that I don't have to babysit him. He can talk to anybody.

Felix (1:03:27): He's so good with a group. So it was very strange because I'm seeing a completely different person, and I I was disorientating, very disorientating. At one point, we were invited to his boss's house for dinner one night. We were playing lawn games. You know?

Felix (1:03:47): It was really cute. He was, again, best behavior after having pouted and being emotionally withholding all day before that. And I remember distinctly there was one point where he wanted to go out front to look at the stars because we were in the Southern Hemisphere, and I haven't seen a lot of those stars. I've only seen them in books. So he knows I like them.

Felix (1:04:11): And I remember just my body was like, no. Because if I go to a place and there isn't company, I'm not sure what person I'm gonna get. So the safety of the company was something I realized I began looking for and like trying to not be alone with him. So basically, again, he's sulking the whole time after this. And then we're out with a bunch of his coworkers.

Felix (1:04:39): And, yeah, he's like refusing to help with anything. He's upset that he went to sleep and then I left because I didn't wanna sit at his apartment and watch him sleep. And then he gets mad at me because I left when I had been doing our laundry all morning and I didn't wanna watch you sleep. So he eventually comes out and, like, joins us out. And, you know, again, it's like nothing's wrong.

Felix (1:05:06): And later we get dinner with a friend and we are back in his apartment alone later. And this is when he immediately just starts accusing me of being an awful person for the things that I said, unlike in regards to him assaulting me. And basically also for having left him at home earlier that day because he was just asleep. And I didn't wanna I didn't go to the other side of the world to watch my partner sleep in a bed. So and I was just trying to explain.

Felix (1:05:43): And no matter what I said, deflecting it back onto me, making it my fault, calling me an idiot, calling me stupid, saying, oh, I remember vividly. Oh, it's a it's a wonder they let you teach high school when you are less mature than a high schooler. So just like really low blows. And I'm trying to get physical distance from him because again, my body is like still not fully comfortable around him. And I try to close the door to his room and he's like, oh, so now you're slamming doors in my face?

Felix (1:06:14): So like, now who's assaulting whom? Like crazy stuff. Right? False equivalencies. And I finally was like, I am breaking up with you.

Felix (1:06:24): We are done. We are finished. I am not doing this any. We are done. This is my fifth or sixth day.

Felix (1:06:31): So it's, like, halfway through the trip. Immediately after I do this, his demeanor changes. He looked shocked and sad and was like, wait. What? And I was like, we are done.

Unknown Speaker (1:06:43): We are absolutely done. And he was like, no. Wait. Let's just talk about it. No.

Felix (1:06:47): He doesn't have to be like that. And I was like, it does, actually. All I've been trying to do is talk to you, and it goes nowhere. So we are done. I am sleeping on this couch.

Felix (1:06:56): Good night. Now I woke up the next morning on the couch and he was already awake, which was unusual because he would normally sleep until noon. And he says, well, what do you think? Shall we go to the coast? And I was like, stuck here, you know, it's like, I don't have anything else to go.

Felix (1:07:17): So like, even though the relationship has ended, where else am I to go? Buying on a different flight was financially prohibitive to me. I had to stay with the ticket I had. Right? So we drive to the coast and I basically am so emotionally deadened at this point because I am so checked out and it's stunning.

Felix (1:07:40): The scenery is absolutely beautiful, But emotionally, after everything I put into this and everything I sacrificed, I come to the other side of the world and he treats me like garbage and assaults me. And so I'm just like, I'm not in a position to continue to try. So you're not getting the helper version of me anymore. Right? You're getting you're getting the one who is unable to give you anymore.

Felix (1:08:07): Right? And so he's trying to be all sweet, like, oh, do you wanna put on your summer playlist? And like, we can jam out. And I was like, no, there's a podcast I'm gonna listen to. So I put my headphones on and we sit in silence for two hours.

Felix (1:08:22): He keeps trying to make bids to talk to me. You know, he's asking me about my dad's heart procedure. I was like, yep. That went fine. And I didn't realize I was, like, gray rocking.

Felix (1:08:32): I didn't know that's what I was doing. But when I look back, that is what I was doing. I was simple, to the point, giving you nothing. But, of course, he's being sweet as pie. And so we're driving up, and he basically says, I know that you broke up with me last night, and I have my own feelings about that.

Felix (1:08:51): But we're here together, and, like, I really care about you, and I really just hope that we can be friends. And I was like, now you don't pass the threshold for friendship in my life because no one who is my friend would treat me the way that you have treated me during this vacation and in the months leading up to this. And so, no, you currently don't meet the standard to be my friend. And in fact, I do not currently like you right now. So no.

Felix (1:09:23): No. We can as of right now, no. We cannot be friends. Absolutely not. And I said, if you really want to do something nice for me, what you can do is you can call the accommodation that we have in the city, change it into my name, leave me there and go back home so that I can salvage the rest of what has been the most awful trip of my life.

Felix (1:09:46): He did he he changed the reservation into my name. He did do that. And I was like, oh, wow. Okay. Well, didn't expect that.

Felix (1:09:54): I expected a fight, but okay. So we're driving up and it's getting dark. And you have to imagine we've been driving for eight hours, mostly in silence at this point. We get to this hotel. I was so just emotionally done, like I said, and, but I still was with this person and you don't just turn love off.

Felix (1:10:15): Right? Even though I had been treated so badly, my body did not feel safe with this person. Like emotionally, I still love this person. And then he was like, I have been an absolute monster to you. And I should have listened to you.

Felix (1:10:30): And I was too proud to admit that I needed therapy. I need a therapist. Let's look at some together. And so I keep going because I'm like, is he seeing the light? And he says, I am so, so sorry.

Felix (1:10:46): I don't expect you to forgive me, but whatever it takes, I'm gonna do it for you. And tomorrow I'm gonna start by emailing my doctor and getting a referral to see a therapist. So like I was, I was optimistic. I can't say I was like overjoyed because I'm still just like, okay, re yeah, really? But I'm like, okay, you're moving in the right directions.

Felix (1:11:10): The behaviors are matching the words that you're saying. Great. So we go to the city. We and again, it's like he is treating me like a prince. He is on his best behavior.

Felix (1:11:22): It's like, it was like the first day that I went there again. It was like the earlier visits in our relationship where it felt good. I'm feeling more comfortable, like holding his hand, you know? He's showing me around. Like, we're seeing beautiful things.

Felix (1:11:35): He wants to take me out to a nice dinner. And eventually he kinda asked me like, do you wanna be boyfriends again? And I was like, yeah, I think I do. I think we should do that. So we go to sleep and then we go to the airport the next morning.

Felix (1:11:52): He drops me off. We have a very teary goodbye. Cause at this point it's like all over the place, right? With like the days that are good are wonderful. The days that are abysmal are violent.

Felix (1:12:04): And so it's like that slot machine. It's like that intermittent reinforcement. Like when it's good, it feels great. And you're trying to do everything you can to keep that. So we say a tear of goodbye.

Felix (1:12:13): He said, the next time I'll see you, it'll be in The United States. And then we have a loving goodbye. So go back to The States. He is so volatile. He is sending me texts when I'm at work saying that he wants to say goodbye, saying that he wants to break it off, saying that he can't handle the shame of what he did.

Felix (1:12:39): And it was very much victimizing himself, unable to metabolize the idea that people knew what he did or that he was so ashamed with himself that he did what he did, that there was never anything that he could do. He kept like threatening to break up all the time. And it was, again, a return to this volatility that I was hoping would go away and which I saw glimpses of its absence for a bit, but it came back. And I know he had started therapy and I was curious about how that was going for him. And but he was, like, ignoring me for, like, an entire weekend.

Felix (1:13:20): Like, I could I barely got any responses from him. When this is the person where if I didn't send him a good morning text, he would pout or he would, you know, he would use it as, a little tally. He had all these mental tallies about things like that. So again, he's withdrawing from me. I try to call him and he eventually does wanna talk on the phone.

Felix (1:13:41): He called me manipulative. He then started weaponizing, you know, the fact that I had had that restraining order against my ex and he got it against me. And he began to cast me in this light of like, well, maybe your ex had a good reason to want one against you too. Maybe there's stuff you're not telling me. So, like, being very cruel again.

Felix (1:14:03): But somehow in this, the repair would keep happening, but it wasn't repair. It was the use of our origin, which was so beautiful as a mythology, which was a thread throughout the whole relationship that was like, this is meant to be, we are meant to be, we haven't come this far to only come this far. So I eventually then do go back to his country. I use all my PTO from work and I do go back because I think that having a reset is good. We go up and we I meet his mom and dad, a lot of driving.

Felix (1:14:36): So it's weird too because we're staying at his parents' house, and his parents are very welcoming and lovely to me. And I am I'm a person that doesn't feel comfortable having sex if you're, like, staying at your folks' house. Like, that's just like a respect line for me, which I told him. I said, hey, like, I don't they don't know me. I'm just meeting them.

Felix (1:14:58): This feels, like, disrespectful. Well, of course that's a problem. He was just being curt with me and I was walking on a lot of eggshells. Right? So the second trip wasn't much better than the first.

Felix (1:15:09): It was better because he didn't physically assault me, but I wouldn't say emotionally it was better. I would say that by then the pattern was so clear and I knew what I was dealing with and I was just really defeated on this trip. So again, I leave and he is crying. He's so sad. I go, I get on the plane.

Felix (1:15:31): He said the next time that I see you will be in The States.

Brandon Chadwick (1:15:35): So when you get back, you do end up having an issue with your eyes, what you told me. You end up in an emergency and you need to take off time from work because of it, but when you're in emergency, you're looking for emotional support and what you get back turns out to be the opposite and a big blow up occurs where you both stop talking to each other. So what happens from here?

Felix (1:16:01): So I send them all these text messages toward the end of our relationship that I was just so exhausted, And it's so hard having your feelings continually invalidated and scheme rolled over. Didn't respond. And then I sent him a long text that basically was a final appeal of like, where did this man that I fell in love with go? All the beautiful things you did for me in the beginning of our relationship, all of the moments of tenderness and consideration and compassion, where did they go? Where did that person go?

Felix (1:16:33): When you moved back home, something shifted. I lost access to this person. I have been desperately trying to get that person back. And I am now stuck wondering whether that person ever existed or if that was only a person that I had access to when life was easy and things seemed beautiful. And I put a lot of thought into that message and he didn't respond.

Felix (1:17:01): And so eventually the communication was very, like, on and off. And he kept saying like, oh, I hate this silence. I hate that we're so silent with each other. It's like, you're the one not responding to these very vulnerable, heartfelt messages, but okay, sure. It's both of our fault.

Felix (1:17:17): And then eventually we talked on the phone. He was like, we really need to talk. I was like, yeah. And started off normal enough. And he said, what spurred you to write those messages that you sent?

Felix (1:17:30): And I said, well, couple things. You know? You were rather cruel to me when I was in the emergency room, and you didn't really feel bad or apologize for that. And that hurts me. That's and he said, well, I'm not going to apologize.

Felix (1:17:43): He said, you have never had any grace for me. You could never understand what I've been through. You know, you never make any time to listen to how I feel. Again, demonstrably false. In fact, carved out my schedule to make time for him, which he did not take advantage of.

Felix (1:18:00): Right? So I was like, it's really shocking to hear you say that because I have had so much grace for all your behavior and everything that you've been through, and you don't seem to say it. And eventually, you know, again, I bring up, like, I don't feel safe safe to share feelings with you because when I do, you explode at me. And I've said this to you before, or you steamroll over what I say. And it's like it what I wanted to say gets buried.

Felix (1:18:25): And then, of course, in the next breath, he does the very pattern that I named. Not the first time he's done that. And then he hung up on me. And then again, back and forth, he keeps hanging up on me. And the last time I spoke to him was him still refusing to apologize.

Felix (1:18:43): And he said, you know what? I'm not going to apologize to you. You are greedy, and you are selfish, and you are entitled, and you are mean, and you are always wrong. And he hung up on me. And at that point, I was like, that well, that's my exit.

Felix (1:19:01): So I texted him, and I said, I am breaking up with you. We are done. Goodbye. And I blocked him on everything. Yeah.

Felix (1:19:08): Everything I could think of. So there's no way he can contact me. Thank goodness that we don't live in the same country. Thank goodness that we didn't go through with that original plan because what if he was here and this was still happening? Right?

Felix (1:19:25): I would have lost myself. Then that's the thing that I think I want to say about my situation is that this was such a different thing because a lot of it was virtual, and we weren't constantly together. We spent in the ten and a half months we were together twenty seven total days in each other's company. So not even a month. Right?

Felix (1:19:46): And I blamed the distance for a lot of the ruptures early on. I had compassion for his circumstances, and I felt bad for him. And I wanted to help him because I had been through those things. And I know how hard they were, but the difference is I went and sought therapy. I wanted to not feel that way.

Felix (1:20:09): I wanted to get through those things. So what I will say is that I should have trusted all of the things that I knew about how my body felt, even virtually. When I would see a WhatsApp notification, even still sometimes, if somebody messages me on WhatsApp, my heart jumps because I'm worried it's him. And I'm like, okay. Now I blocked him.

Felix (1:20:33): Okay. But I should have listened to that. That that that was a huge sign. And when I found out that he lied to me and I was so nauseated by that, huge sign. I should have also listened to all of the times I studied rhetoric and philosophy and arguments and how to structure an argument, how to recognize and name these rhetorical fallacies.

Felix (1:20:57): Because I'm very good at identifying that and naming them. And I thought, as a teacher, maybe if I explain what's happening, he'll stop doing it. No. No. That never happened.

Felix (1:21:09): Right? And so I should have really, really done myself more respect and more compassion and more and more self and more self trust because I, it was there were a lot of writings on the wall that I slept under the rug, and I think the distance was a part of that because I wasn't constantly around him. And because of that, I explained away a lot of the early red flags, and I explained away a lot of, like, the early mistreatment of me, and the lying and all of that stuff. But now I see it so clearly. Like, when I look backwards, the number of times where he was trying to very suddenly erode my boundaries by, like, messaging me at work, messaging me when I was with friends, seeing if I would respond.

Felix (1:22:01): You know? Oh, no. Just stay on the phone, like, ten minutes longer, please, when I would say I wanna go to bed. And that was that was happening since the beginning. And so I want people to know that it's okay to have really high standards for these things because it seems like it will disqualify a huge portion of people that you could potentially be dating.

Felix (1:22:24): But you'd rather know if these things are deal breakers for fear of these other people. Like, if you saying no once is a a huge it caused a huge rupture, and it caused the fight, that's not your person. If someone puts hands on you, that's not your person. It doesn't matter how it seems like the stars aligned. It doesn't matter if they force feed you the mythology of how you met, which is actually a substitute for genuine repair.

Felix (1:22:54): That's not your person.

Brandon Chadwick (1:22:56): And if you had any words of wisdom for everyone, what would they be?

Felix (1:23:01): The proof is in the pattern. If the pattern keeps happening, it is not your responsibility to continually explain to an adult why they should take your feelings into consideration. No one who loves you. Should you need to explain that to?

Brandon Chadwick (1:23:14): Well, Felix, I really want to thank you for being here with us today, sharing your story and going into the little details of all of the little things that you were dealing with, especially the double standards with this person. I mean, it was clear as day that you had your set of rules, they had their set of rules, and it was a no win situation for you in so many ways before we even get to the physical abuse aspect of things. And when you're living in that environment, it's going to take its toll on you physically over time and just eat away you slowly, especially when you're getting that slot machine stuff that you were discussing, you know, that you're getting that intermittent reinforcement. So you're waiting for those good moments and then you're dealing at the same time with this draining thing that's stealing the light away from you. And before this conversation, I got to talk to you for a little bit of time and you are this person who is full of light and exploration and now you're on the other side of this and I hope that your healing journey just will continue and I can't thank you enough for being here with us today.

Unknown Speaker (1:24:38): Thank you so much. Yeah, no, it's I'm going to be okay, but I really appreciate the opportunity to get my story out there.

Brandon Chadwick (1:24:44): Well, thank you Felix once again for being here and if you want to be a guest like Felix was today, please do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com, fill out our guest form, press the submit button, we'll go from there. Also at our website, we have a support group, so if you need support, we have Zoom meetings every Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday nights, and we have form boards for you to post on to get the validation that you need from survivors just like you. So join our support group today, and we also have a newsletter at our website. It is a newsletter where you get a free workbook for every new survivor story that that comes out that week. Join our newsletter today.

Brandon Chadwick (1:25:24): And that is it for this episode, this survivor story. So for myself and Felix, we hope you have a good night.