Rerelease | Lana & The Violent Jealous Abuser

Brandon Chadwick (0:00): On this episode of narcissist apocalypse, we talk with an abuse survivor named Lana, and Lana was in a controlling relationship with a jealous physical abuser. It's a story of childhood abuse, course of control, sowing the seeds of doubt, fear, sexual coercion, and shame. Welcome to narcissist apocalypse, everyone. I am Brandon Chadwick, and with me today, we have Lana. How are you?

Lana (0:53): I'm good. Thank you for having me on.

Brandon Chadwick (0:56): Well, thank you for being here. And if you want to be a guest like Lana is today, please do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com. Top of the page, there's a button that says guest form. When you click on that button, it takes you to our guest form page. There you can read all of our instructions and either send us an email at narcissistapocalypsegmail dot com or fill out our guest form and press the submit button.

Brandon Chadwick (1:20): And please do send it in the format that we ask for. And today we are going to hear Lana's story, and this is not an easy story to hear. So a big content warning for this episode, we will be graphically discussing child sexual abuse in this episode, graphically discussing as well, physical abuse throughout the second half of this episode, and as well graphic discussion of sexual coercion abuse assault in the marriage as well. So a big content warning right there. If this is not for you, then please do not listen to this episode as it could be re traumatizing for you.

Brandon Chadwick (2:04): And this is also not an easy story to tell to go through all of these memories once again. So a really big thank you to Lana for being here, and I'm going to get out of my way and your way. Lana, the floor is now yours.

Lana (2:23): I grew up in the military. We moved every three to four years. My parents had actually, what they liked about the military was that they could move. They really loved traveling. And so unlike some parents who were in the military who might try to stay at a duty station for five or sometimes even six years, my parents would often put their names on a list to move early.

Lana (2:50): So we moved quite a bit. I think I should say that it was kind of under this pretense that the grass was always greener on the other side and that every time we were going to move somewhere, it was going to be a better experience. And so I was always looking forward to the next adventure, so to speak. And my parents really encouraged that type of belief system that it would it would always get better. It would always be better somewhere else.

Lana (3:21): Because we did move so much, I was really outgoing and I always had a large group of friends, probably too many friends. That was something that I continued to do all the way until I still have a lot of friends. So I would kind of just bounce in and out of different types of friend groups. And always kind of, I spent a lot of time trying to adapt to whatever I thought that friend group wanted or needed or liked because I always wanted everybody to be happy. And I didn't like conflict.

Lana (4:00): So I was really used to being the new kid. And obviously, with this came a good deal of anxiety, but I did not know what that was when I was younger. I would just I didn't talk to anyone about it. So therefore, I think that was another reason why it was really outgoing, very easy to laugh, always making jokes. It was I think it was more of a defense mechanism.

Lana (4:26): And I really prided myself on that, having as many friends as I could, getting along with everyone. I was definitely a people pleaser. But, again, I did not know what that was when I was a kid. So my parents, they had met when they were only 20 years old. And it was one of those wonderful romance stories that you'd like to hear about, but that doesn't usually happen in real life.

Lana (4:55): But they met and they fell madly in love. And three weeks later, they got married and they stayed married. And they were together for fifty years. My mom just passed not close to two years ago. So it's not even been two years, but they were together for fifty years and they always loved and cared for one another deeply.

Lana (5:17): You could tell they just genuinely loved each other and they were really close friends. And when I would ask my mom about my future or what things would be like for me, she always encouraged this idea that I too would have what her and my father did. And even though I saw that a lot of my friends came from what we would say broken homes or, you know, they had, you know, stepmothers or stepfathers and their parents had had one or more divorces. I still didn't really grasp the idea that what my parents had was not that common. It was not probably that realistic to go out into the world with this idea.

Lana (6:00): But I did. Meanwhile, my brother, we were latchkey kids. My parents were gone a good deal of the time because obviously being in the military, my mother was gone more than my father. Her position required was more demanding than his was. And so I saw more of my dad than I did of my mother when I was younger.

Lana (6:23): And that continued until I was about 10. But I was left with my brother a lot. He was my babysitter, so to speak, but he really wasn't. He kind of just did whatever he wanted to do and told me what to do. And we would just run around the neighborhood with a lot of other kids who were unsupervised.

Lana (6:43): We were all latchkey kids. So one of my very first memories, and I I think that the reason it is one of my first memories is because it is pretty traumatic. I was four. I was alone with my brother. I had a friend who lived next door, a very close friend of mine.

Lana (7:01): We spent all of our free time together. I mean, we were both the same age. We went to pre K together, preschool. And we were over at my house. My brother was there.

Lana (7:11): He's six years older than me, and he had a friend that was with him that he spent time with. That boy was a year or two older than him. And they were harassing us and picking on us, which was a I I do remember that being a regular thing later and kind of just telling us what to do. And they made us take our clothes off and forced us into the bedroom and and made us lay on top of each other and do things that we did not understand. And I remember we started crying and asking them to stop.

Lana (7:44): And they they they wouldn't. And they were laughing and hitting us and yelling at us. And when we wouldn't comply and we continued to cry, they locked us in a closet that there was no light in there. And I just remember him and I just holding each other and crying and trying to comfort, you know, these two little four year olds trying to comfort each other until they let us out. And we never told anybody about that.

Lana (8:13): Obviously, we were told by them that if we did, we would get in trouble. And when you're four years old, you believe those types of things. So we just didn't say anything. And when we moved away from that area, we moved overseas. My parents really loved going to Europe.

Lana (8:31): So we would usually end up in a duty station that was overseas a lot, a good deal of the time. And my parents did not usually like living on the base when we lived overseas, they preferred to live on what they call the economy because they really wanted to be immersed in the experience, which was great. I have a lot of wonderful memories about that. You know, a lot of my friends were European, and I, of course, you're a sponge when you're that age. So I learned the language really quick, and and I have a lot of fabulous memories from that time.

Lana (9:04): But I also have some pretty traumatic and awful experiences that involve my brother. I don't think my parents had really caught on at this point to the fact that my brother had serious emotional issues. And also because they were working so much and they were from a different generation, you know, mental illness, things like this, they just weren't discussed. And so he started acting out quite a bit. He had no impulse control.

Lana (9:36): He was lighting things on fire. He I have a a memory of him. My my father was teaching art. He became very involved in the art scene and was doing stained glass and pottery and all of these types of things. And my brother got ahold of his glass cutter and started to cut all of the windows and the TV.

Lana (9:58): And this was around the time that I had started stepping in even though I was six years younger than my brother. I remember, you know, being only six years old and trying to talk him out of doing this or lighting the kitchen on fire, things along those lines, and trying to be the voice of reason. And, of course, he did not like that. During this time, he also started sexually molesting me because we would be left alone. And that went on for three years.

Lana (10:28): My mother found out by accident by walking in on him doing something inappropriate. I was only I was about to turn nine when that happened. And, of course, she was very upset like any parent would be. And they sent him to counseling. It was the eighties.

Lana (10:48): We were told, I remember having to set in on counseling with my brother. It was just kind of him discussing or or telling me he was sorry in front of the counselor, and that was pretty much it. I remember being very confused. I didn't really understand any of it. They told my parents that I did not need counseling.

Lana (11:08): You know, when I talked to my mom about this later, she said that they said that I would most likely just forget about it. So that was not helpful for my brother or for myself. He did stop molesting me, but he continued to be physically, verbally abusive. This is also around the time that my dad got out of the military and started just working as an art teacher because my mother's career had really taken off and where my father's really hadn't. My dad didn't really do well with authority and that structure where my mother had really excelled.

Lana (11:49): So my father became an art teacher and was home with us more often. But my father did struggle with depression and alcoholism. But my mom would just kind of say to me, you know, your dad's not having a good day today. And when he comes out, you know, make sure we tell him that that painting he did yesterday is really nice. Or, you know, the dinner he cooked last night was fabulous.

Lana (12:09): You know, she was always trying to make my dad feel better and she was always kind of encouraging me or getting me into this idea that I had to do that as well. That was again, something that I discussed with my mom when I got older and she realized that was enabling behavior and, you know, not healthy. But at the time she didn't know that she was just trying to make my dad feel better. He did go to rehab when I was nine, but at that time we were told he was in the hospital and not feeling well. And we would just visit him on the weekends.

Lana (12:44): I can say my dad has been sober since, which is phenomenal because a lot of people are, aren't able to say that. So, but he was always kind and very loving and giving both of my parents were, but my mother was definitely a fixer And she was always trying to fix my brother. She was always trying to fix my my father and his childhood and the trauma he had had from his youth. And I just, I really looked up to my mom and I still do. And I followed her lead.

Brandon Chadwick (13:20): So you became this fixer. You are as a child taking care of other people's needs, even your mom's requests, not just, you know, you're taking care of your dad, but your mom requested that. So what were your needs as a child that weren't filled?

Lana (13:52): That that's the part that's hard, to talk about honestly, be or out loud. I know I've had the thoughts in my head, but I haven't really addressed it. I don't think that there were many of my needs that were being addressed because I felt like my world revolved around making my dad feel better and keeping my brother from doing something that would harm himself or other people. I spent a lot of time alone in my room when I wasn't being social with friends. And I, I ended up, I spent a lot of time at the library.

Lana (14:32): I got lost in books and I suppose kind of a fantasy world daydreaming. I got very involved in arts. I was always drawing and painting and things like this. But it wasn't until I became a teenager that my mother started taking time to sit with me in my room and ask me if I was okay and ask me about my feelings. And this all kind of came to a head when I was 15 because I was self harming, which of course my mother did not understand.

Lana (15:05): I didn't even understand why I was doing that. And so that's when she had me go see a counselor. And I did see a counselor in my teen years until I was 17 every two weeks and just talk about my feelings and what had happened in my youth and things along those lines. But up until that point, I just spent all of my time wanting everyone to be okay and, and laugh. And I that that just took up a good amount of my time.

Brandon Chadwick (15:43): So you've gone to therapy, but how do you deal with your problems?

Lana (15:49): I I mean, I was having panic attacks and anxiety attacks during this time. I did not know what those were. I told no one. I, you know, I look back from that and I think that's quite odd that I didn't even talk to a friend about it. You know, just like, hey, do you ever feel this way?

Lana (16:07): I wasn't even I told no one about that because I thought there was something wrong with me. That was my problem. And I was not going to tell anyone. And my mother did tell me, if you want anything in life, you have to get it yourself. Not in a bad way.

Lana (16:27): She just meant it in the sense that you have to take charge. You have to be the fixer. You have to accomplish these things.

Brandon Chadwick (16:39): An admirable trait, but can turn toxic.

Unknown Speaker (16:43): Exactly.

Brandon Chadwick (16:45): So at 18, you join the military. You get involved with a man that is five years older than you. You're in this relationship for three years, you get pregnant, but soon after that, find out that he was engaged back home this entire time. And you make the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. And then you move back home to kind of recover from all of this.

Brandon Chadwick (17:14): So what happens from here?

Lana (17:18): So obviously, I my self esteem was crushed. I was feeling, you know, morose and depressed and all of those things that you feel when you've when you've gone through something like that. And it was very obvious. I knew a friend there in that local area. She got me a job with her.

Lana (17:37): And but I was just going to work and then going back to my parents house and their back bedroom and just sleeping. So clearly, was very depressed. And I remember my girlfriend doing what all good friends do, talking me into going to a going out and just, you know, she was like, this isn't healthy. You know, let's just go out. Let's play a couple of games of pool, have a drink, laugh, you know, you just you can't just go to work and go home and, and lay in your pajamas in the bed.

Lana (18:08): And so I had agreed, I really wasn't in the mood to go out. But but I knew she was right. I had to get back into my life. So I met Toni the night my girlfriend took me out with her. And a few things really do stick out in my memory about that first meeting because one, was really depressed.

Lana (18:31): So I didn't want to flirt or give the wrong idea to anybody at the bar. So I had no makeup on. I had a messy bun. You know, I didn't do my hair. I was in jeans, boots, I even put a turtleneck on in a cardigan.

Lana (18:46): So I was definitely not giving off, you know, this impression of, hey, I'm here at this college bar to meet somebody, or at least that's what I thought. And he zeroed in on me pretty quickly. And admittedly, I was a bit rude. I was not receptive, but he, this actually, it's very odd looking back on it because he, he just kind of doubled down, even though I was being distant, and I was not engaging him. My girlfriend, he had a friend with him and she was interested in his friend.

Lana (19:24): And she was, of course, you know, joking and laughing with him. And I did not want to upset her by wanting to leave too early. So I went and I sat beside the pool table and he came and he sat directly next to me. He gave little to no space between us. I, cause I mean, I remember that feeling of kind of having your personal bubble invaded.

Lana (19:52): And I looked over at him and he was looking directly into my eyes. And this is when I realized he was really attractive because I had not really looked at him. I was trying not to make a lot of eye contact. I mean, I was trying to ignore him and he was very good looking. He was very fit.

Lana (20:15): And I was a bit taken aback by that because it was kind of that movie star good looks that that's a little unsettling, almost too attractive. And he was staring at me in a very intense and provocative way. And he would not break eye contact. And I started to feel nervous. It was really jarring.

Lana (20:40): And I started to giggle. I have a nervous laugh. And when he heard that, he got this really big smile on his face. It was like kind of a, you know, the cat that caught the canary or whatever that saying is, you know, it was just this very sly smile, but it was charming at the time. And looking back on it, I think the fact that I was, you know, one of the only women in that college bar who was not dressed up did not have my hair done did not have makeup on, you know, I think that's why he did zero in on me.

Lana (21:11): And I think the fact that I was acting uncomfortable or nervous or trying to avoid him, I think again, that's another reason why he was even more persistent. So that was my first meeting with him. We exchanged numbers. And I had an interview in Dallas. I told him that.

Lana (21:33): I said I would not be available for three days. And another red flag, I did not realize this at the time, is he called me that very next day, even though I told him I was going to be in Dallas. I asked him why he had called. And he said, well, I just wanted to make sure you were telling the truth. I thought he was, you know, I thought this was cute.

Lana (21:57): I thought, Oh, wow, he's really interested in me. But again, this goes back to why would somebody call you the very next day when you told them that you were going to be in a completely different city and state for an important interview, and say to you, Well, I just wanted to make sure you were telling the truth. But I swept it under the carpet and thought it was cute. We were inseparable for three months. He this was the love bombing stage.

Lana (22:29): He told me I was the most beautiful girl that he had ever gotten involved with. I was the most intelligent. He would give me these really long massages. He would make me dinner. He would run my feet.

Lana (22:44): He would listen to me and everything I had to say as if it was the most important thing he ever heard. I thought, you know, he was actively listening. You know, he was making all of this eye contact. He was very intimate. He had a way of getting me to confide in him.

Lana (23:01): You know, within those three months, I had told him my whole life story and he seemed to want to hear it. And that was the first time that I had ever experienced that. And he even confided in me, you know, about his youth. He had had a very traumatic upbringing. He had seen his mother being beaten on numerous occasions by different boyfriends and he would have to console her and comfort her, you know, when he was very young.

Lana (23:30): And he told me some other things, you know, that he had been in and out of jail, but he told me at the time that it was, you know, misdemeanor stuff.

Brandon Chadwick (23:39): So when he says that he's been in and out of jail, does that phase you at all? Or if you do have, like, questions about it, you know, is he minimizing what happened for those incidents?

Lana (23:58): He definitely minimized. Yes, I was surprised because I I had never met anybody who had gone to jail at that point in my life. And and when I asked him about it, he said that him and his friends were just really rambunctious and that they didn't have any parent figures and that they were just running around, you know, causing mischief, breaking windows, you know, that kind of stuff. It was not until this, it was not until three years. And then I found out that he had actually gone to prison when he was 18.

Lana (24:41): And he had been released three months before I met him. So he had been in prison five years.

Brandon Chadwick (24:50): So you came from this military background, and there are rules in this military background. You grew up with all this stuff. So what's clouding your judgment the most here when you do learn about his past?

Lana (25:06): You know, he blamed a lot on his mother and he had an absentee father. He actually said I was raised feral, that he had raised himself. And then he also compared himself to a baby turtle. You know how they, they lay the eggs and then they just leave and then, know, only some of the turtles make it to the sea kind of thing. I mean, he, he literally compared himself to that.

Lana (25:31): I just felt so awful for him. I was just heartbroken listening to these stories. And I thought, well, that's why he was acting out. That's why he was misbehaving. I was definitely in this frame of mind that you followed the rules.

Lana (25:47): You know, the last thing you do is get arrested or go to jail for anything. And I think he knew that he picked up on that. I mean, he knew I was from a military family. He knew I had just gotten out of the military. And I think that's that's why he kept it from me for as long as he did, until it got to the point he could not hide it any longer that he had actually been in prison for five years for assault with a deadly weapon.

Brandon Chadwick (26:11): So you're coming off of the last relationship, you know, the cheating, the terminated pregnancy, you were depressed. So what are all your feelings right after meeting him here?

Lana (26:25): I was head over heels. I know that a lot of people, you know, don't believe in love at first sight kind of thing. It wasn't love at first sight, but I hate to admit it within three days. I actually remember thinking, wow, I'm in love with this guy because that's how intense that felt. And that love bombing was.

Lana (26:47): And we, he didn't give me any time alone. There was no time away from him in those first three months. And yeah, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I thought this was it. I thought, I was like, this is gonna be the love of my life.

Lana (27:04): He and he he he seemed to be behaving in that way that you thought he's feeling this too. But from the way he touched me, from the way he looked at me, from the way he listened to me. And he he was massaging me one night. He he wrote something on my back and I I looked and it said, I love you. And then I said the words back, and it was so romantic.

Lana (27:30): And I just and I thought I was safe. I thought, you know, I had found what my parents had. And and I had no reason not to believe it at that time.

Brandon Chadwick (27:45): So your hook line in sinker in very quickly, very quickly. So what happens from here?

Lana (27:54): Well, everything was was pretty good for the three months. Well, excellent for the three months. And then it was shortly after we said, love you. That that really sticks out to me. Not long at all.

Lana (28:08): I'm talking a couple of days. And he came over. I had a roommate at the time. He came over to my place and we were supposed to go out for the night and have dinner. He was kind of acting a bit strange.

Lana (28:23): He was quiet, which was unusual for him. And he had found a condom wrapper. My girlfriend, she was single at the time. She did have condoms in her room and she had had somebody over the prior night. I explained this to him.

Lana (28:41): Well, he said to me that he didn't believe me. And I did not know how to process this because he had been a completely different person up until that moment. And so I was just really taken aback and I was confused. I also was very confused because I had told the truth. There was no reason to believe I was lying.

Lana (29:04): And he seemed to think I was. And he told me he, he wanted, he was going to leave because he needed to think about that. And I, of course, did not want to be the jealous girlfriend and I did not want to put him off. And so I said, okay, well, take your time and, you know, call me if, you know, tomorrow kind of thing. And I was just really pleasant about it because I thought this is so ridiculous.

Lana (29:30): He's going to realize and he'll call me later and let me know how ridiculous that is. So he leaves and he didn't, it wasn't long. It was like thirty minutes or so later he did call and he said, Hey, will you come and pick me up in the morning? We could have breakfast before I go to work. And I thought, Oh, okay, he's realized, you know, this is stupid.

Lana (29:52): And I was actually looking forward to this idea of having breakfast with him, you know, spending time with him before his work started. And he made the point of telling me, if I don't answer the door, just you know, after you've knocked more than once, he's like, I'm a heavy sleeper. So just come in and wake me up. So he told me that. So that morning I get up, you know, bright eyed bushy tailed head over there.

Lana (30:15): I'm all excited to see him. And nobody answered the door, just like he said. He did live with a roommate as well. He lived on the bottom half. It was like a townhome.

Lana (30:24): So he lived on the bottom half. His roommate was on the top. So the bottom half had no real light down there. There was only one window and he had like those blackout blinds. And I nobody answered, as I said.

Lana (30:37): So I went ahead. I, you know, door was unlocked. I walked in. I go down the stairs and it was hard to see my eyes were adjusting. And so I walk over to the bed and I start to see his figure.

Lana (30:51): And, you know, you have that moment that you feel when you see someone, you know, you're in love with and you're like, oh, I'm going to crawl into bed and cuddle up next to him. And I begin to do that. And then that's when another figure comes into view. And also I could feel her with my my other arm when I was trying to crawl into bed. And it was a woman laying beside him.

Lana (31:11): And of course, you know, you don't know how to process that when that is when you see something like that. This is complete shock. I jumped back like I had just been stung by a bee or something. And I remember I yelled his name. He didn't move.

Lana (31:31): And then I just, it was only seconds. It felt like minutes. But you know, in my head, there was just this inner dialogue of just get out of here. You know, this, this is unreal. Just leave.

Lana (31:42): So I turned and I ran up the stairs and I ran to my car. When I got into my car, I heard him screaming my name. I looked back and he was running across the yard and only his boxer shorts because, you know, he didn't have time to put on anything else. And he jumped into my passenger door and and was begging for me not to leave. I wasn't crying or anything.

Lana (32:08): Again, I just felt sick. And I remember looking at him and just saying, you know, get out of my car. I need you to get out of my car. He wouldn't. During this time, the woman came out from the townhome.

Lana (32:19): She was walking to her car, you know, she kind of had her things in her hands. She was looking down and she drives off. And I said to him, I go, look, he wanted to talk to me about it. And I just, I didn't know even what we, what, how to even talk about something like that. And I said, this is just really, you know, over the top unusual and I need to go home.

Lana (32:46): And so finally he agreed to get out of my car. This led to him writing me really long love letters and he would put them on my windshield, you know, under my windshield wiper, he'd put them in my screen door of my home. He would call, he would leave these really long messages. And it was all, you know, very apologetic. It, and he turned it in the sense of, I've just never felt the way I feel about you.

Lana (33:14): I got so scared. I did something really stupid. If I wouldn't have found that condom and thought you cheated on me, this would have never have happened if you could just give me a second chance. So I thought it was over. I remember being really depressed again, of course, my self esteem had taken another hit.

Lana (33:35): So I was just, you know, rock bottom emotionally. And then he ended up showing up. We I had agreed that he could come over and talk to me. We were intimate. He got really quiet again.

Lana (33:51): I asked him what was wrong. He said that he didn't like that. He didn't like the way I had behaved during sex. He said that I seemed like I liked it too much and that if I had actually not cheated on him, I would have put up more of a fight and more more resistance to to the act. Again, I'm completely blindsided.

Lana (34:20): I don't even know how to respond to this. It's so weird. I just remember getting really quiet and I and obviously telling him that that was not true. And he said he had to leave and he did. And then I did not hear from him for a couple of months.

Brandon Chadwick (34:41): So here's someone who is trying to blame you for something that he did wrong and then doubles down on it after the fact, after sex with him, making it even more confusing about what is what has just happened. He's really gaslighting you in this situation and blaming shifting his blame onto you, not taking responsibility for what has gone on. And now he's gone. Are you are you feeling bad about yourself that you have done something wrong in these three months?

Lana (35:30): Absolutely. I thought something was fundamentally wrong with me. I was I was having horrible anxiety. I had one of the worst panic attacks I'd ever had in my life. And again, I had not actually seen anybody for this stuff.

Lana (35:45): So I did not even know what I did not even know that word. I just thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was going crazy. I was second guessing my own reality. You know, I knew for a fact, I obviously had not been intimate with anybody else.

Lana (36:02): I was head over heels for this guy. But I thought, God, there's something fundamentally wrong with me. You know, why can't I be loved? So I was horribly depressed, but I was also trying my best not to let my friends know and still working. I was still, you know, going out here and there.

Lana (36:23): And this all leads to when I went out for my my 20 birthday when he contacted me again. So I had gone out for my birthday like anybody would at 22, most of us. And of course, admittedly, I was intoxicated. I was definitely tipsy when I got home. It was after midnight.

Lana (36:42): I get a phone call. It's from an unknown number. And I answered it and it was him. And again, hindsight's twenty twenty. I really felt like this was very calculated on his part because he called me on my birthday after midnight.

Lana (36:57): I mean, obviously, he knew I was going to be out. And he obviously probably knew I would had been drinking, which would have made me more. I suppose I was a little bit more eager to talk to him, because he had called prior, and I had hung up the phone. So I was I was ready to talk to him. Because when I got home, and I was alone, I felt vulnerable, I felt depressed, you know, of course, drinking didn't help the depression.

Lana (37:26): And he, this is when he started playing into, I guess, what we call future faking, you know, he started talking about my parents, and that he had been thinking about how much I valued what my parents had and that him and I could have this. And that he was thinking if I just gave him a second chance, a clean slate, he would come back. He would owe me what a wonderful guy he was, what a wonderful boyfriend he could be. And we would have what my parents had because he had decided that he was in love with me. And I was the one.

Lana (38:04): This was all under the pretense though that he, well, first he said, you know, will you forgive me? Will you do this? I said, yes. And then he said, if I come back, we are never to discuss what I did. I was not allowed to bring up.

Lana (38:20): I had found him in bed with another woman because he said that this wouldn't allow for the clean slate. And here is young 22 year old naive me. And I go, okay, well that makes sense. I don't, you know, I don't wanna bring it up and, you know, keep rubbing your nose in a mistake that you made, you know, like I was actually sympathetic to this and agreed. And so he came back.

Brandon Chadwick (38:47): So he comes back and he moves in with you and then you get married fairly quickly. So what happens from here?

Lana (39:00): You know, it's kind of back to the way things were in that first three months. Very romantic. You know, you're just like, you almost feel like you're on a drug. You're just so excited to be around this person. But this is when I started noticing things.

Lana (39:15): He couldn't keep a job. And then he, he was, we were on a limited income because I was the one working and I was working days and nights in two different positions to make rent and all of the things that you need. And he started smoking weed. Again, I did not think this was a big deal. I'm pretty open minded, but what I didn't like was that in here, I guess, is the rule follower part of me.

Lana (39:46): It was against the law where we were at the time. And so obviously I had concerns about it because I didn't want him to get in trouble and I didn't want to be in trouble because it was in the house. But the bigger issue for me, it wasn't really that he was smoking weed. It was that he started smoking it all the time. So he would get up and get high and get high throughout the day and he'd have to go be high before he went to bed.

Lana (40:13): And then obviously he's spending money on large amounts of weed that in my opinion is not in the budget. So just practical reasons there for me being upset with it. When I initially went to him and started asking him, you know, Hey, this isn't a good idea. Always in the beginning, you know, he would be understanding or he would pretend to be. And he would say, Okay, what you're making, you know, or what you're saying makes sense.

Lana (40:39): And I, I'll cut back or something like like like that. But instead, you know, he just started doing stuff behind my back. And the little money that he was contributing to bills or rent that just decreased because instead of using my money, he was just using his money. Yes, start drinking more, and he would drink to excess to the point that I would, I also felt like I had to put a boundary in place where he could not have hard liquor in the house. Because if he drank whiskey, he really liked whiskey, Irish whiskey, he would become despondent, aggressive, particularly aggressive with males.

Lana (41:27): So like if we were out at a get together or a bar, he would, it almost felt like he was trying to fight men, which was really unsettling and very scary. So I asked him to stop doing that again. He said he would. But again, he just started doing it behind my back. And these were kind of just the struggles there in the beginning of the relationship.

Lana (41:50): I thought he's young, he's immature. He had a hard upbringing. You know, I just kept trying to be empathetic. And then about, you know, at this point, we're going on, we're getting closer to a year. And I noticed he had started.

Lana (42:11): He didn't like my friends. He didn't like anybody I knew prior to him or had met without him. So he had effectively started isolating me from everyone I knew. And even the roommate that I had at that time, he was starting to look for another place to live because he didn't want any of these people around me. Again, I didn't understand that he was isolating me.

Lana (42:40): So this was the first time he was physical with me. We had had to get together. Everything went fine. Everybody had a good time. It was like just a small barbecue thing.

Lana (42:51): People left. And it my roommate and her boyfriend were in their room. And we were out on the front porch and out of nowhere. I mean, it just literally it felt like it came out of nowhere. He was being quiet again.

Lana (43:07): So I did ask if something was wrong. And then he just grabbed me by my throat And he just, he shoved me up against the house by the front door. And I was just in complete shock. Because outside of my brother, I had never had a grown man handle me like that. So I, I, I remember just having a hard time processing what was even happening.

Lana (43:38): And I was having a hard time understanding what he was asking. He was really close to my face. I could feel the spit hit my face when he was, he was kind of just seething mad. And he was asking who shirt I was wearing. And he was, he was asking about a guy that I worked with, and saying that the shirt that I was wearing was this guy's shirt.

Lana (44:02): And again, I'm having the hardest time processing this moment because one he's, you know, he's being physical with me, he's got me by my throat. And he's saying I'm wearing a guy shirt like none of it makes any sense. And he proceeds to rip the shirt off of me with his other hand. And obviously, this was, you know, causing a commotion. There was noise.

Lana (44:25): So my my roommate came out with her, her boyfriend, and they, you know, pulled him off of me. And then I just fell there on the porch, you know, gasping for breath. And I started crying hysterically and he was walking away and he turned and he looked at me and it was just pure hate in his eyes. And that's another thing about that moment when he had me up against the house by the door. He had these really vivid amber hazel eyes.

Lana (44:54): It was one of his best features. That cliche about, oh, his eyes turned black or there it was like it was demon looking at me or something. It it literally was like that. His his eyes were black. There was there was like no one home.

Lana (45:11): It was very disturbing. Again, he waited a couple of days and again, you know, to like things to simmer down, you know, and and then again, he contacted me and told me that he was just overcome by jealousy and he had never felt as strong about anyone before. And he'll never put his hands on me again. And all of those things that you want to hear when someone's done something like that. I remember my girlfriend being very, you know, telling me this is a huge mistake.

Lana (45:42): Never talk to this man again. And because I because she didn't move out with her friend or her boyfriend, that's when I that and it's not her fault at all. I don't blame her one bit for moving out. I just because I was alone. I am and without her there to go, don't answer that phone.

Lana (46:05): Don't ever speak to this guy again. I let him in so quickly. It's shameful. So

Brandon Chadwick (46:11): So first, I just want to point out that that the love bombing worked here. You were seen. An addiction was created. He's made things very confusing here. You blame yourself.

Brandon Chadwick (46:25): The future faking that happened too. You're just in this really vulnerable state. And when this happens, the only thing that feels good, like when you have a drug addiction is the very thing that hurts you the most. And in this spot right now, are even more isolated with your roommate leaving. So it becomes a lot easier to pick up that phone when he calls.

Brandon Chadwick (46:57): And once a really slick talking abuser can get like into your ear, it just becomes that much easier for them to convince you to get back together or to stay. And then the cycle begins again, and you're just in it. And I know that you feel shame, and I validate that, but abusers are just really good at this trick.

Lana (47:26): Right. And I, I realize that now. But and I know I'll talk about this later. But, my my self loathing was off the charts. And I think that also, you know, clearly contributes to the low self esteem issue because I hated myself for it at the same time, you know, and but yes, it was definitely a trauma bond.

Lana (47:48): And that just continued, you know, there was just more and more incidences where him being physical, it was like once that door was open, it was almost like opening Pandora's box. It just increased. It was shortly after that I you know, I'm standing in the shower, he had gone out, he had drank too much. Well, basically, I should say he had gone out and he had drank too much. He didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning.

Lana (48:15): When I got up to go to work in the morning, I found him on the couch. He's out there sleeping. I didn't, you know, I'm like, Okay, whatever. I go in to get ready for the day. I'm taking a shower washing my hair.

Lana (48:26): My eyes are closed, as you know, they are when you're washing your hair. And the glass just exploded around me. And of course, I screamed and I turn and I look and it's him. He's standing there. His hands are bloody.

Lana (48:42): He had just punched straight through the glass around. And I didn't even I mean, when I look back on this now, I didn't even check to see if I was okay. My instant reaction is, is, are you okay? You know, and I what's wrong with you? Why did you do this?

Lana (49:00): Are you okay? What's happened? I mean, I just couldn't even process what was happening. And I went straight to trying to help him with the cuts and stuff from him punching through the glass. And again, he he said that he had gotten in his head that that night because he had not come home, that I had gone out and and been intimate with somebody else.

Lana (49:24): And he didn't, he wouldn't know it. And that, that, because I got up in the morning and just went to take a shower. He thought, because I wasn't upset with him that he hadn't come home, and I didn't wake him up off the couch. You know, again, he was gaslighting me and giving me this idea that I had done something wrong. So after that shower incident, I know that he saw in me and it is true.

Lana (49:53): I was thinking, Oh, no, I have gotten him. I felt like I bit off more than I can chew. That's just the best way to put it that this person was really damaged emotionally. And I, I thought I can't help this person. And I was trying to kind of think of a way to get out of out of it.

Lana (50:12): And I'm sure he picked up on that. Because that day, he talked me into not going to work. I called him sick. He, he, I mean, he really went into full blown love bombing. He made me dinner, he cleaned the house, he gave me this really long massage, he was rubbing my feet.

Lana (50:30): And, you know, he's telling me, look, I'm really broken. And you know, I am, I told you all of this personal stuff about me, and I'm really struggling. And, but you can fix me. You can basically be my savior. You're going to be the one to fix me.

Lana (50:51): And he was, so people, he seemed like he really believed this and it made me believe it. And I wanted to, I wanted to save him. I wanted to fix him because when things were really good with them, I mean, obviously they were phenomenal. But clearly when things went bad, they were terrifying and horrific and traumatic. But at 22, I really honestly thought when he was telling me this and confiding this to me and wanting me to be his savior, so to speak, I thought, well, I can do this.

Lana (51:25): I can be this to him. I'm going to be this to him. I was determined. So he definitely played into that. So, you know, after that year, I mean, I was completely isolated as far as any friends that I had prior to him at all.

Lana (51:47): And then my parents, if I did talk to them, it was few and far between. It wasn't very often in the sense of, I did not tell them much about him because and if I did, I told them only the good stuff, because my parents had met him more than once at that point. And they did not have good feelings about him for obvious reasons. So this is also around the time that he started bringing people into my life and into like our little bubble, I should say that were his friend. And I did not know any of these people.

Lana (52:25): They were, you know, people he was introducing me to. And I think what's important to say is these were the people I was allowed to spend time with, but I could never spend time with those people alone. Only if he brought them over or we went over to their home. And I remember kind of questioning some of the people in the sense of that they all were in very toxic relationships with their significant others. They were verbally abusive, physically abusive, sometimes a combination of both.

Lana (53:00): A lot of them had addiction issues. A lot of them were had spent a lot of time in prison or in and out of jail. And when I would question these kinds of things, he would say, this is when all the devaluing and, you know, started happening, he would end gap and a lot of gaslighting, he would say to me that I was being a stuck up bitch, that I was judgmental, that I was spoiled, that I didn't know, you know, that because my parents had been nice to me, and I had had a, you know, a somewhat decent upbringing, that I was being stuck up, and that I needed to change that about my personality. And that just because someone has a rocky relationship, or just because someone's been in another jail or abuses drugs does not mean they're a bad person. And how dare I question that?

Lana (53:58): And I started I bought into this. I thought, okay, he's right. I'm being judgmental. I need to be more open minded. I need to be you know, I don't want to be a stuck up bitch.

Lana (54:08): You know, I was actually thinking this way.

Brandon Chadwick (54:11): So here he is really taking these positive things or these good things about how you were raised, and he's creating this negative around it. And in a way, he's warping it into this tangible thing that you can hold on to this tangible truth. Yes, there are differences and yes, you can have empathy for others, but these are also red flags. These are boundaries, and he's making you out to be snobby where in reality, you just wanna feel safe. And he's really twisted all around to make you feel like you are a bad person for even thinking this way.

Lana (55:01): Exactly. And, you know, while he's doing this, he's also telling me, oh, you know, I love that you're a worker bee. And he's complimenting me on, you know, what a good worker I am, and my love, so my sense of humor, my cooking and all these things. So it's going back and forth between putting me up on a pedestal and then tearing me off of that. And yeah, and I started to, you know, really just buy into all that, I guess, the cold Kool Aid, so to speak.

Lana (55:32): So his abuse became worse. And as I said, it really was like opening Pandora's box once he realized, you know, after the choking incident against the house and the, you know, punching through the glass shower. Once those moments had happened, once I didn't have any friends anymore, he and then, you know, when he started to tell me things like, you know, you're being stuck up and all of these kinds of things, he started disappearing. He would he would spend days away from the house. And I was paying all the bills, working two jobs kind of situation.

Lana (56:19): So I would waitress at night and things like this to bring in more money. And I started to have an unbelievable amount of anxiety around being intimate with him, or taking a shower or bath, just anything that put me in a vulnerable situation. And the reason was, is because he seemed to attack me when I was vulnerable. It was like he honed in on on that. He started coming home in the middle of the night, he would wake me up out of a dead sleep.

Lana (56:54): And he would just attack me. And he would either accuse me of cheating on him, or he would say I wanted to cheat on him, or I was going to leave him. So it was always one of these scenarios, or maybe a combination of all those scenarios. He would, there was one time in particular, he jumped off of me when we were being intimate. And he again, just had those really dark eyes.

Lana (57:20): Knew right away, was in trouble. This was not a good situation, just by the look on his face. But of course, I'm in shock. I don't know what's happening. So I, you know, I'm like, what's, what's the matter?

Lana (57:32): And he said that I had said a man's name in his ear while we were being intimate, which I had not done. And this was another thing I came to realize when someone like him is just someone in general, him or her is sitting there and, and looking at you, and they really 100% believe what they're saying to you, you know, it's not true, but they're so committed to this lie, or whatever it is they're trying to make you feel at that moment. It really makes you question your own sanity. You know, you start to go, well, well, did I say something? And I'd like to say that was the only time he did that.

Lana (58:19): But he actually did that three times, accusing me of saying man's name, and it would always be someone that he didn't like someone I worked with, or something that he had met and maybe felt threatened by. So a couple of years in, I mean, I was basically in this situation where I was sleeping alone, he slept usually on the couch or he did not come home. I preferred it that way. You know, in the beginning, I would go out and say, hey, why don't you come to bed? But you know, when someone's attacking you in your sleep and you wake up to that, don't want to be in the same bed with them.

Lana (58:59): I slept with my purse because he was taking money. I didn't know for what I wasn't, I had stopped questioning things because when I did, he could turn on a dime. And I was fearful of him. So I was being exposed to a lot of stuff within the first five years. So he had gone from being, you know, physically and verbally abusive with me, but never really in public.

Lana (59:30): But then the friends that he was bringing me around, I started seeing them being verbally and physically abusive with their spouses. So I was kind of living in this bubble where I was seeing this in all of these relationships around me, because these were the only people that I was exposed to. And this is when he started berating me in front of other people. We, you know, we would be, you know, at a get together or somebody's house for dinner, and he would belittle me, he would yell at me. He would, there were a couple of times he actually spit directly in my face, in front of his friends, the times that he had spit in my face, actually, it was because I was concerned for his well-being and some of the choices he was making with his friends.

Lana (1:00:23): And I spoke up. And yeah, he's he just spit right in my face. I'll never forget the first time he did that. It was, oh, there's just no words to describe how humiliating that is, and how hurtful something like that can be. And that's also when he started.

Lana (1:00:45): He was really big on, as I said, kind of throwing me around, you know, tossing me up against walls, things like that. And this is when I also figured out that his friends and their spouses, that was not a safe space for me, because no one was going to help anyone. No one who witnessed any of those things was going to say anything. And they weren't, there was no one for me to go to, and talk with about this with. It started to feel normal, or that it was just par for the course.

Lana (1:01:23): So also, sex became a huge ordeal with him because it would last for hours. And I would have to behave like every moment of it was fabulous. If I acted like I was uncomfortable at any time, or I was not interested, or I was tired, he would get very upset. So I started to really dread sex with him. But that was something that was mandatory and regular.

Lana (1:01:58): This is when he started, what I would say calling, I mean, holding me hostage and restraining me in the home. Because in the beginning, I would try to leave, and he would become more violent. This is also I didn't know I had heard at this point of fight or flight. But I didn't know there was a thing, you fight, flight or freeze. And I realized now looking back, I was doing a lot of freezing.

Lana (1:02:27): So I called it back then playing possum. I would just play dead almost, you know, I pick something to look at in the corner of the room. And I just stare at it. I wouldn't, I would try my best not to make a facial expression. I would do my best not to cry, or scream out or anything.

Lana (1:02:45): Because I, when I had tried to defend myself, or escape, or leave, he became worse, more violent, more physical, more verbally abusive. So the first time I remember it happening, I had to go to a conference for work. But it was in another state, another city. I would be gone for about, you know, three days. I got home on a Sunday, but it was a very late flight.

Lana (1:03:16): And he said he would pick me up. He did. He was really quiet in the car. And obviously, I had learned that the quiet before, you know, it was basically the quiet before the storm at this point. And I started to get really nervous.

Lana (1:03:32): I knew what was coming was not going to be good. We got back to the house. He insisted on being intimate. Even though it was after midnight, I had to go to work at five in the morning. You know, I didn't want to, but I knew I did not have an option.

Lana (1:03:50): So I went ahead and was intimate with him. But he said when it was over that, that he could tell I was disinterested in that that to him made him feel like it had been unfaithful to him when I was away for work. I tried to leave. And this is why, you know, this memory sticks out to me because this was one of those first times that I tried to escape because I could tell he was going to go into a rage. And I ran to get my keys.

Lana (1:04:22): When I grabbed the keys, he ripped them out of my hands. He shoved me again, you know, up against the wall kind of thing. He grabbed, he grabbed like this decorative vase that I had by the door. And he just slammed it through the glass coffee table. And this is something he continued to do often after this first time, but he, he got me up against the wall.

Lana (1:04:46): And he just started punching straight into the drywall behind my head, you know, all around my head. So it's like this idea, you know, they're going to punch you in the face, but but instead he would just punch through the drywall around me. And that happened on more than one occasion. And then he took me in the bedroom and he restrained me and he kept me there until six in the morning when I finally spoke up and plead with him. Because when he would get like this, he would start to wear himself down.

Lana (1:05:16): I mean, somebody can only be this manic for so long. And so he would, he would start to get tired. And I always knew that that was the time that maybe I could say something. And so I said, Hey, you know, I really got to make it into work, I really got to give this presentation. And you know, of course, I was the one paying the bills.

Lana (1:05:38): So he let me go. But I cannot tell you how many times I looked in the mirror in the morning after a night like that, with puffy eyes and bruises on me and cuts and put my makeup on and did my best not to cry all the way to work and acted like nothing had happened when I got there. It just got to the point where this was just like common. Again, it was just common. And, and I was just outside kind of looking in on myself living this life.

Lana (1:06:14): I don't really feel like I was present emotionally during this time at all. Because I think I was practicing dissociation. I mean, I know I was. Because obviously, he was, you know, acting out so much and he was drinking and he was doing other things. He did get a DUI.

Lana (1:06:32): And it was actually his third DUI at this point, there was always a reason, you know, why it wasn't his fault or why the cops were, you know, bad people and they were, you know, he always had excuses. And I remember that on the third DUI, he was he was told that he had to attend a seminar for the weekend at a hotel. And he was ordered by the court to do it. And, of course, he wouldn't have any access to me during this three days. And I could tell that that was really upsetting him because he he controlled everything about my life at this point, from you know, how I did my hair to what I wore with him or without him, to who my friends were and what job I had everything he was controlling everything.

Lana (1:07:18): So the idea of him having no access to me for three days was causing him a lot of stress. And I was still trying to finish my degree at this point. And I was in the dining room, writing a paper. And he was just pacing in the living room like a caged lion. I mean, like a lion at the zoo, that is the best way to describe him when he was in those, states.

Lana (1:07:43): And so as usual, me being the fixer, you know, I said, Hey, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? I know this is stressing you out. And he said something rude as usual. And, you know, every once in while I would buck up and, you know, I think, you know, just be a human being and kind of stick up for myself and say something.

Lana (1:08:06): And this particular time, you know, I said, Look, hey, I'm sorry you're in situation, but you've made your bed. And now you've got to go to this seminar. Well, I turned back around and then boom, again, of nowhere, he's got me by my hair. He's ripping me out of the chair. And he jumps on top of me.

Lana (1:08:25): And he's straddling me and choking me. And again, he was just completely there was just nobody home. It's just dead in his eyes, looking right through me. And I couldn't breathe. And this was the first time that I had ever been physical with him.

Lana (1:08:42): Amazingly, all the way up until this point, I had never fought back. Because whenever I had tried to push him off of me, or try to defend myself, he had actually become more, more violent and more intense. But this time, the choking was considerably more intense than prior. So there was that, obviously, that that idea of he's gonna kill me. And I dug my nails into his face.

Lana (1:09:12): And he actually stopped. I remember like this little glint, like this just brief little moment where he looked at me and was like, just surprised. Like he was just surprised. And then he picked me up like I weighed nothing. And he threw me into the bay window, the glass bay window there in the dining room.

Lana (1:09:32): But you know, the bruises, the cuts, all of these things, the physical violence, it had been going on for so long. And I didn't have anybody to talk to about this. I was so embarrassed. The last thing I wanted to do was tell anyone at work or tell my mom that this was going on. And of course, he was always playing into this idea that, you know, at this point, I wasn't smart anymore.

Lana (1:10:00): And I wasn't the best thing that ever happened to him, you know, now I was an idiot, and I was stuck up and I was a snob and, you know, all of these negative things. So I didn't think much of myself. So I realized that a lot of people would have called the cops at this point, especially, you know, five years in, because at this point, he had backhanded me, you know, more than once and in front of other people, one time actually in front of a tour bus. That one, I will never forget that incident. You know, he had restrained me.

Lana (1:10:37): Had he had taken to punching me and my, my thighs, my arms and my waist and stomach. I say he was smart about that. In this in a good way, in the sense of, you know, he he wasn't doing he wasn't punching me in places that, you know, would be visible to others if I went to work or something like that. And, and so on one occasion, he did not come home again. And it was, I was working again as a waitress to bring in extra money in the evenings.

Lana (1:11:13): He was supposed to pick me up. He did not. I was I got a ride home. And I thought to myself, because we were several years in, and I know that you've heard this before, it takes several times before someone's able to leave, like you'll tend to leave many times prior. And this was one of those times that I thought I needed to leave.

Lana (1:11:36): And so I began to pack my things because I thought he would be gone disappear for two, three days. And I thought that this was going to be one of them. So I started to pack my things. And he came home. It was like four or five in the morning, something like that.

Lana (1:11:54): So caught me by surprise. And he saw that I was packing my things. And he became, I mean, was irate. This was also around the time that I started figuring out that he was, you know, doing way more than just drinking and smoking weed, that he was also dabbling in cocaine, because that had become an argument for us because I did not want him doing hard drugs for obvious reasons. And and, you know, he he admitted that he had been out with his friends doing cocaine, and that's why he had not come home.

Lana (1:12:30): And he was really insulted and very upset over the fact that I had the audacity to pack my things while he was gone, you know, because he had started saying things to me like, you know, if you leave while I'm not around, I will find you wherever you go and I will pull you back by your hair. And of course, at this point I had, I definitely believed. And when he said something like that to me. And so he started screaming. He grabbed ahold of me again, kind of the usual scenario at this point.

Lana (1:13:06): And he started to punch me. But that day, I couldn't. I usually I would muffle my cries and, and try not to show a lot of emotion when he was physically violent. And but this time was really hard for me because he had been physical with me a lot that month. And he really loved punching me in my right thigh.

Lana (1:13:31): And it was horribly bruised. And then it just hurt so bad that day. And so I started crying out in pain and screaming, you know, please stop, please stop. So this is when a neighbor heard and called the police. And the police showed up and the door was cracked open because he hadn't he didn't shut it when he came in.

Lana (1:13:58): And so since the door was open, you know, they just looked in and they saw me on the ground and him standing over top of me. And he was screaming. And of course, I'm crying. And they separate, you know, they said to him, you know, step away. And he did.

Lana (1:14:17): And one of the police officers stayed in the house with him and the other police officer took me out onto the lawn. And it was two male cops. One was a little older, but the one I had was younger. You know, he looked like he's in his late twenties. And he explained, you know, asked me what was happening.

Lana (1:14:35): Of course, I'm hysterical. I'm in a lot of pain. You know, I'm and I was so scared. I was terrified to tell this guy what was really going on because that's where I was in my life. I was just scared to death.

Lana (1:14:52): And so I said, I kind of gave him the gist of what had happened, you know, in the sense of kind of how I just told you. But I mean, not with the great detail on him punching me in the leg, but I did say, you know, he's throwing me around, you know, he's, he won't let me leave. And the guy listens to all of this. And then he looks at me and he says in a very kind of snide condescending way, he goes, man, that sounds like a really rough night. I bet you need a drink.

Lana (1:15:26): And that just, took me back. I mean, I just I didn't know. I was like, okay, he's not here to help me. So I just said back, I said, Nope, that's that's the last thing I need. And he just kind of smiled.

Lana (1:15:45): And then he went and he talked with the other guy. And this really sticks out to me. My ex, when cops came around, oh, he was Mr. Personality, You know, laughing, cracking jokes. I mean, he went from screaming on top of me to buddy buddy.

Lana (1:16:05): You know, hey, what's going on? You know, how's your day? So he's in there having a friendly conversation with this other cop. They come out, they talk, and then they just left me there with him and said, keep it down. And my ex used this as an example to why the cops would not be a help for me, and why I was to never call the cops.

Lana (1:16:34): And also that circle we were running in, you know, with the friends, and then his belief system was cop callers were the worst of the worst. That was the worst thing you could do. There was nothing more low than that. And cops weren't there to help you. So don't even bother.

Lana (1:16:47): And that just solidified that belief for me.

Brandon Chadwick (1:16:52): So you're living in fear. Fear and it's more than a legitimate fear. It's fear, you know, fear of your life is going on here. No one is here to protect you, And you're going through these cycles. His abuse is, you know, happening more frequent.

Brandon Chadwick (1:17:11): It keeps on happening. But a big thing throughout your whole entire relationship is, you know, first, there's drinking, then there's drugs, then there's harder drugs than you could have ever imagined. And and now, what is about to happen is he's gonna start getting in trouble and going in and out of jail, for drug issues, for a a few years' time.

Unknown Speaker (1:17:35): And,

Brandon Chadwick (1:17:36): you know, at this time, you know, before we get to the beginning of the end, drugs playing a huge, huge thing. Are you thinking to yourself, maybe the drugs are the thing. I might have to help him get off of drugs. I can do that. And, like, I'm gonna do that, and we're gonna be in this together.

Lana (1:17:57): Right. So the five year mark, and this was really when I I really wanted to leave. And again, I know that he knew that because this was when I was really trying to get out. So he again was disappearing for days at a time. He shows up one day, he says to me, I've got a big problem.

Lana (1:18:20): And I'm thinking, Oh, God, now what? And he says, I've gotten addicted to crack cocaine and I'm floored by this. I don't even, you know, I'm just like on top of everything. I just didn't, I had to have him repeat it more than a couple of times because I didn't understand. I didn't understand anything about crack cocaine or what that involved, what addiction was to that.

Lana (1:18:45): How do you handle something like that? And again, he plays into this idea of you can help me get better. And then I get this. And then I'm like, Oh, okay, well, this all makes sense. You know, he's got behavioral issues, but because of the drinking, because of the drugs, you know, that's why it's making it all worse.

Lana (1:19:04): And if I could get him into rehab and he can get help, then we definitely can make him better than I can just have a great Tony, I can have the charismatic Tony, the friendly Tony, the, the my, you know, the guy that I fell in love with. And we can get rid of this, this Tony who has these crazy mood swings and is physically violent and doing all this insane stuff. And he said, Yeah, absolutely. You know, he kept going along with that idea. And so it really sticks out to me, there's, there's this memory of one of the last rehabs that I had put him in.

Lana (1:19:41): And I say I put him in it because I, you know, literally had to, I had to pay out of pocket for it. And we missed his intake time because he had to get high one last time. And he ran away from me, I mean, literally ran away from me. So I catch up with him. He's getting drugs from this dealer on a corner who had met him at the corner that he had called on his cell phone.

Lana (1:20:07): I get him in the vehicle. And at this point, my mother has gotten involved. And my mom and I drive him to this rehab. And I missed the intake time. All the doors are, you know, they've locked down, everything's locked down, I can't get him in.

Lana (1:20:20): Nobody's answering the doors. So he's sitting in the car, of course, high. My mom is watching this. I'm running around this rehab facility. And I mean, I know I was kind of outside looking in at myself, but it was a really it was a huge breaking point for me because I'm running around this facility absolutely hysterical pounding on all the doors.

Lana (1:20:44): I was just so frantic. I thought if they don't take him in here, I can't take him home with me. I don't I can't do this any longer. I thought I was just going to lose my mind. Somebody finally opened the door and took him in.

Lana (1:20:58): And with my mom watching this whole ordeal, it just it just it made it even more real and something that I could not deny on any level anymore. And I knew I had to get out, but I didn't know how. And I had gotten so deep into it. And I was so lost emotionally, that I knew I was going to need help. And he got out of that rehab and not even like a week or so later, he was doing cocaine again.

Lana (1:21:32): So I guess this all leads, you know, to the beginning of the end, basically. So the beginning of the end for me was, I got a job out of better. I got a better job. It was better paying, which he agreed to because he liked the money. It was a corporate position.

Lana (1:21:50): So it exposed me to women who were, they were kind, they were caring, were well established. They had, you know, relationships where they were supported, you know, emotionally. And so I thought, oh, well, God, you know, it was the first time I felt like I was breathing new air into my life. And I remember him saying they were brainwashing me. And so around this time, I started seeing a psychiatrist because I had good insurance.

Lana (1:22:21): So I started going to the psychiatrist right after work. That way he wouldn't know. And I did this for a year. I was put on antidepressants and anti anxiety. And I just kept seeing this through because I knew I needed out, but I needed the help to get out.

Lana (1:22:42): And when I did go to him and I did try to be, you know, I wanted it to, I was still, you know, thinking we could do this as adults and you know, that he could understand that we just were not meant to be together. And I just could not do, you know, do this with him any longer. And I wished him all the best. So I arranged, you know, I said, I'll pay for your cell phone for three months. I'll pay for you to move.

Lana (1:23:09): You know, you can take whatever you want from the house. I mean, I just wanted it to be over. That's just how I was looking at it. So of course, he was physically violent. He there were huge outbursts.

Lana (1:23:20): There was more than one time that I thought he's gonna kill me. And honestly, I went into this thinking there's a good chance he could. But this all comes down to that moment where he grabs me and he has me in the hallway. And he says to me, he said, I will bury you in the backyard before you leave me. And, of course, I'd heard this before, you know, and I just said, I would rather be dead than spend another day married to you.

Lana (1:23:52): And that was the first I mean, I just I felt that way. I would rather be dead than spend another day with this person. He had effectively up to that point just ruined my life. And the amount of stress and anxiety and trauma he had caused was it was it was beyond my comprehension. I still have a hard time processing what he did, and how that's affected me.

Lana (1:24:24): But so it was that it took almost a year to get him out of my life. I was the one that filed for divorce. I had to pay for all of it. He did not make it easy. And he moved on very quickly within three weeks of realizing that I was serious.

Lana (1:24:41): He got involved with a woman that he met online who he this was another thing he did. He went straight to social media. He posted all kinds of completely, you know, just just lies saying I cheated on him saying that I left him because he couldn't have children, just everything but the truth. And that's how he got his next. I mean, I hate to say it, but victim was because he he played to the idea that she could not have children.

Lana (1:25:13): They bonded over that. He played into that. He told her I was the crazy ex. And, and she too was traumatized by him and used by him. And that lasted a year.

Lana (1:25:24): And he's just continued to be in and out of relationships. But now they only last, you know, three to six months. And and then obviously they end horribly. And the only reason I know this is obviously because we have mutual friends and I hear things. But I have asked my friends to keep the stories to themselves because I don't don't really have any need or want to hear about any of that anymore.

Brandon Chadwick (1:25:54): And how has your healing process been? Because that is a tremendous amount of emotional, physical, psychological abuse that you have gone through.

Lana (1:26:07): That that first year was extremely difficult for me. I think it's important to say that I did turn to drinking. I was drinking around three bottles of wine a day, or in the evening, because I was, I could not process all the abuse I was having triggers. It was the amount of self loathing. And I just hated myself for the fact that I had spent so long with someone like him and allowed so much of that to happen.

Lana (1:26:40): So the first year was extremely difficult. But I came out the other end. And I think that's really what I want to, you know, to say to anyone who could possibly be going through this, who, you know, has been with someone for several years, or just even a little, you know, maybe a shorter amount of time. I know it feels like it is the worst. There's nothing comparable to the pain that you're going through.

Lana (1:27:08): But it, it does pass it. You will get to that point later on in your life where you don't feel that devastation. And when you think about them, there isn't that raw pain. You know, none of that's there anymore. I did go on and meet someone else who turned out to be a phenomenal person who I've been with for eight years, who has never betrayed me, hasn't done anything, you know, off the wall or crazy, who is a good friend to me and a confidant and an excellent partner in life.

Lana (1:27:45): I ended up having two beautiful children. I finished my degree. I started, you know, the career that I always wanted. I mean, if you set your mind to it, once you get out of something like that, once you can get past that trauma and the triggers, you really can start over. And I guess if as much as I don't want to say it, what happened with him, I just try my best to realize that at least now I'm I am wiser.

Lana (1:28:20): I am not naive anymore. I do know what can happen. I do know what the signs are. And I can impart that onto my children, you know, as they're growing up, I mean, not with, you know, terrible, tragic details. But I think it's really important to open that dialogue and talk to your friends and talk to young, you know, people in their teens and stuff and kind of give them the idea that this is out there and this is what to look for.

Brandon Chadwick (1:28:50): And if you have any words of wisdom for everyone listening, what would it be?

Lana (1:28:57): I hated there was this moment I went through where I had to do positive psychology. And I remember the psychologist trying to force me to come up with something positive about what happened with my ex. And I absolutely refused to. I was just very stubborn about it. But it is true.

Lana (1:29:21): You can find something positive coming out of the worst situation. And don't, you know, don't hate yourself. Think I just, that would be my biggest concern is that someone would hate themselves as much as I hated myself after that ordeal. It's not your fault. And something positive will come from it, whether it's being wiser and smarter, or the ability to learn to love someone who's better for you, or even the ability to just love yourself and be on your own and be confident with that and not feel like you're forced to have a relationship with somebody just because they're giving you starry eyes and telling you everything you wanna hear.

Brandon Chadwick (1:30:14): Well, Lana, I really want to thank you for being a guest on our show today. Telling your story is not an easy thing to do. You know, retraumatizing yourself by going through all of these old memories and you're sick at the same time while while telling this story. And, you know, I can't thank you enough and everyone can't thank you enough for, for sharing today, you know, pointing out, all these little things that were going on with the isolation tactics, how, you know, the love bombing occurred and really helping educate, everyone, about this type of abuse. So big, big thank you for being here with us today.

Lana (1:30:59): Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Brandon Chadwick (1:31:02): Well, thank you once again for being here, Lana. And if you wanna be a guest on our show like Lana was today, do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com. Top of the page, there's a button that says guest form. When you click on that button, it takes you to our guest form page. There you can read all of our instructions and either send us an email at narcissistapocalypsegmail dot com or fill out our guest form and press the submit button.

Brandon Chadwick (1:31:28): And if you need support, please do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com. There at the top of the page, you can see a button that says support group. Click on that button. It takes you to our very own safe social network. Inside there, you'll find that we have zoom meetings every Wednesday night, every Thursday afternoon, and Saturday nights.

Brandon Chadwick (1:31:50): We have forum boards for you to post on it, to get the validation that you need and to give validation to other survivors, just like you. It is a great group of people on our support group. So if you need support, please do join our support group today at narcissistapocalypse.com. And if you need even more support, please do visit our friends at domesticshelters.org at domesticshelters.org. They have articles and resources to help you make sense of what you're going through.

Brandon Chadwick (1:32:18): They have every phone number, email address, and website address for shelters and agencies. No matter how big or small your town is, domesticshelters.org has everything there for you. It is a wonderful free resource, so please do check out domesticshelters.org today. And that is it for our show today. So for myself and Lana, we hope you have a good night.