Rerelease | Cara & The Rage-Filled Physical Abuser

Brandon Chadwick (0:02): On this episode of narcissist apocalypse, we talk with an abuse survivor named Cara, and Cara was in a four year relationship with a physical abuser. A destroy of intergenerational trauma, suicide threats, trauma bonds, cycles of abuse, embarrassment, and being kind to yourself. Welcome to narcissist apocalypse, everyone. I am Brandon Chadwick, and with me today, we have Cara. How are you?

Cara (0:54): I'm doing good. Thanks for having me.

Unknown Speaker (0:57): Well, thank you for being here with us today, Cara. And if you wanna be a guest like Cara is today, please do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com. Top of the page, there's a button that says guest format. When you click on that button, it takes you to our guest format page. There you can read all of our instructions and either send us an email at narcissistapocalypsegmail dot com or fill out our guest form and press the submit button in.

Brandon Chadwick (1:22): Please do send it in the format that we ask for. And we have a content warning for this episode as we do discuss physical abuse, suicide threats, and suicidal ideation in this episode. So that is your content warning for this episode. And today you are going to hear Cara's story, and it was a four year relationship that had incremental abuse over time. You know, this story is about the confusion of the type of physical abuse that is going on.

Brandon Chadwick (1:54): Was it physical abuse? Is it physical abuse? And the embarrassment of being in this relationship and living essentially a double life so others don't know what's going on. And it's also about the cycles of abuse and recognizing the cycles of abuse. So just a really big thank you to Cara for being here.

Brandon Chadwick (2:17): And now I'm gonna get out of my way in your way. Cara, the floor is now yours.

Cara (2:26): I was raised, one of three girls, the metal, the black sheep, in a working class neighborhood, in a large Midwestern city. I lived on the same block as my school, which was a Catholic school. And also the rectory, the convent, church we went to. It was all there. Very strong Catholic roots.

Cara (3:02): On my mother's side, she was raised by the nuns at about age 14 when she left home. And on my dad's side, they're very devout Catholics, and even my aunt on that side was a nun for about fourteen years. So it had a very big influence on me as a child. And what I got from that, education, was that I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be like Jesus.

Cara (3:44): I I was I thought Jesus was very admirable. I didn't consider myself necessarily, like, wanting to become a nun or anything like that or follow all of their religion, but the idea that I could be someone that saw the good in everybody, and I wanted to help people. So we were on the outside, a family that went to church and was involved and very outgoing, you know, in the neighborhood. But at home, it was a different story. My dad, very early on, was a I'm just gonna say raging alcoholic because I just remember him being drunk a lot, but my mother was also she didn't drink, but she was a rage rageaholic.

Cara (4:44): And there would be lots of arguments. And my mother was the one that would be yelling obscenities towards him and also would get violent towards him. Things thrown around, plates thrown around, dishes breaking, and she was, like, a little over five feet. My dad was six four. So I just remember him a lot.

Cara (5:17): He would be drunk, and he would be crying. And especially if it was just my sisters and I at home with him, he would have us gather around him and tell us how hard his life was and basically needed a lot of emotional support from us. So I was very tuned in to his emotional state. And my mother, I was, I did not feel close to. Actually, I don't it's a very strange memory I have as a kid.

Cara (6:02): She breastfed us till a little bit older. She was into alternative child rearing during that time in the early seventies. And I remember breastfeeding and then, like, you know, pulling back as babies do and looking up at her and thinking, who is this woman? Like, I didn't feel close to her. So, I was also a very sensitive kid, shy.

Cara (6:39): So after my my mother and father well, my mother divorced my father. I was about seven, and then she moved us to a different area that had better schools, but we didn't have a lot of money. So we lived in apartments kinda on the edge of town. So there was it was like a crime high crime area, but I just you know, my sisters and I just, figured out how to get around and stay safe. And we were pretty much on our own at that point when we were latchkey kids.

Cara (7:24): And so at a very young age, we became pretty independent. I didn't we didn't see our dad a lot. We were with our mother most of the time. And it was during middle school where I started to have a really hard time. I was bullied in in school, and my sisters weren't.

Cara (7:55): And I think at that time that really a lot of anxiety, depression, self loathing, shame really overcame me. And I didn't know that's what it was. I definitely had no idea about therapy. And there wasn't I don't think there's really anyone looking after me, noticing that I was having trouble and that I had very few friends. As time went by, I just kind of got very much into my own fantasy world.

Cara (8:38): I read a lot of books, started plotting out my future of how I was gonna get out of the house and live on my own. So I decided I was gonna somehow graduate early from high school. I didn't know how I was gonna do it, but I just relied on, you know, the stories. Yeah. The stories that I I was reading for fun about, so many different things.

Cara (9:06): People that lived in different countries, different cultures, lots of different religions, spirituality. I didn't feel like I was set in any particular religion, but I had a very strong belief in some kind of god. I felt I was surrounded by angels and spirit guides and that they were always there to help me. And I started getting into manifesting reality. This was in the early days and of, like, original woo woo, holistic way of looking at things, eastern spirituality.

Cara (9:55): And, I mean, I would go to as other kids my age, like, high school were maybe going to parties and doing stuff like that, going out and eating pizza. I was doing things like, changing my diet and fasting and then going to different conferences, learning about alternative health. And I think that's where I also started to read about psychology and ways in which I could heal myself. Although I didn't know what I was healing, I knew that there was something not right with how I felt. So I was always I was seeking.

Cara (10:43): You could say I was a spiritual seeker.

Brandon Chadwick (10:48): And for you, you did get into a few relationships before the one that we are going to be talking about. And the relationship previously to this, the one that was previous to this story, you were actually in in an emotionally abusive relationship with this person, and you ended up being married to that person and you met him when you were 32 years old and you had just graduated from school and you were living a life of independence. And you wrote me that you were excited about your future because you worked together, you know, you were swept away and you felt seen by this person. You moved across country for them, this dream career together, you created a family. And then 16 later, you had one child with this person, but you felt that you were, you know, completely invisible.

Brandon Chadwick (11:40): There was emotional abuse going on as well. And you were just alone in this marriage and you were made to feel worthless and you got depressed and then you were discarded for a much younger person. And this was done without a second thought. And after this happened, this really kind of destroyed you and this made you dive into therapy and you're really determined to kind of, you know, rise and learn and grow from this. However, this is when you meet the person that this story is about.

Brandon Chadwick (12:16): So walk us through this first meeting.

Cara (12:21): Yeah. So I had just gotten out of a sixteen year marriage. So I was in a place of really processing that and doing a lot of, research on narcissism. And so I felt that I had a pretty good idea of all the traits and everything. So when I met this person, I I was in a pretty good place considering where I had been.

Cara (12:59): And I was on my own, far along in the process of divorce. I was feeling good about moving ahead with my life. Felt good about the relationship with my son who's a teenager by then. And so we met through a mutual friend actually in a 12 step program. I was also sober at the time and had been for a while.

Cara (13:33): I definitely had a hesitation. I was not looking for any relationship. I wasn't even really putting myself out there to date because I was continuing to work on myself. And and also he was significantly younger than me, very much pursued me. You know, it was a lot of fun, you know, hanging out.

Cara (13:56): We had a lot of fun together, and he was very complimentary to me at the beginning. I would say it was definitely love bombing, which it was almost so obvious that I thought, well, can't really be, love bombing because it's so obvious. And, also, I had shared my experience with being getting out of this past narcissistic relationship. And he also had been, you know, in his family in a narcissistic relationship. So we had that to bond over.

Cara (14:42): So felt like it was all out in the open. And I thought, well, maybe he does really feel this way. He's just very exuberant in the way he describes things to people. I am not that way at all. I will give compliments to people, but it's usually, you know, when I really feel it, it's not twenty four seven.

Cara (15:13): I'm not I guess, I'm not trying to get things out of people by complimenting them. So that that was a red flag for me, in the beginning and also the texting, the, constant texting. But he said it was just that, you know, that's just how he is texting. So I was able to get him to not text as much and give me my space.

Unknown Speaker (15:45): So within this time, all of this stuff is happening. You know, what do you like about him? How is he seeing you? And when it comes to him, how does he want to be seen? And in hindsight, what is the reality of who he is?

Cara (16:14): So I expressed during our sharing of our experience with narcissist that how much I felt unseen, ignored, and my ex really didn't compliment me at all or say anything that would give me the indication that he saw me. So he was very, very much complimentary, like, physically, the most beautiful person he's ever seen, which I didn't necessarily really believe that. But I did not mind being called beautiful 50 times a day. At that point, I was like, yeah. This feels great because I have not heard it in years.

Cara (17:09): He was very giving and generous with this time. Wanted was very thoughtful. He would make me dinner, give me gifts, write me poetry, also be very always up and happy and exuberant and positive, which felt really good at the time. But in hindsight, that was very much mirroring what I wanted to hear and feel. And I feel that it was very strategic, very manipulative, and distracting.

Cara (17:56): I felt like it was it would distract me from what was actually going on with what his intentions were and what he wanted out of me. It totally worked. Because being complimented like that, when I felt at that time not really seen or heard, it was uncomfortable. And I also felt, like I owed him something just because he would say these nice things to me and tell me how great I am. I felt, well, I have to then be reciprocal in some way.

Cara (18:44): And I'm not going to match the same, you know, exuberance verbally. So what else can I do? What else can I do for him? And, he had no problem asking me for things. He was leading the show.

Cara (19:01): And I felt like I was always trying to catch up, trying to figure out what's happening here, what's going on, where is this going, what does he want what does he want from me, Does he want something from me? And then I would be on the defense a lot, feeling really, uneasy off balance. And I especially later in the relationship, as I was being very observant of, like, how I felt in my body around him, that I was pretty much off balance 90% of the time because I didn't trust him at all.

Brandon Chadwick (19:51): So we'll get examples of this soon, but let's get back to the timeline of your story. So what started to happen after the six month mark of this relationship?

Cara (20:03): So after about six months, you know, we were in a relationship, but it wasn't that deep at all. And I was like, you know, I need to be responsible here. I this is not gonna go anywhere. This cannot be a long term thing. There's some red flags there.

Cara (20:25): I need to work on myself. So I let him know that we need to break up. And he was very upset. Also very angry. I immediately, at that point, just cut him off.

Cara (20:46): I blocked him. Not because I was necessarily afraid of him at that point, but I just, well, from the advice of some other people, it was like that was the best thing to do. That was the best thing I could do. And that cut off the communication. I did not speak to him for several months.

Cara (21:14): And I started feeling pretty good again. Started moving out with my life. Had no interest in dating. I just wanted to get my career together, develop keep developing a relationship with my son and make sure that, you know, he's doing okay. And then the pandemic came, which a lot of people around the entire planet suddenly became lonely.

Cara (21:50): And my income was, at that point, a 100% cut off. There was a little there that I was I did not know what to do. I was very scared. So I was in a place of feeling very alone and isolated, and I started thinking about my ex a lot. Kind of just remembering, oh, that was fun.

Brandon Chadwick (22:18): And with this guard down, like as if he knew it was the right time to get ahold of you, you know, your ex found you on a 12 step online meeting that you would go to, and he started a conversation. It was a contact point there in this online form, and you responded to him. You then agreed to speak to him on the phone, and then he was back in your life. So what happens from here?

Cara (22:49): And so by that time, I had already been thinking about him. And then it was, like, almost immediately, Okay. We're back in. But I felt this time, if I got back together with him, it's gonna be different. I'm gonna have to lose some of my boundaries, especially since very soon after, he made it very clear that how much I hurt him by leaving him the first time.

Cara (23:25): And would I promise never to do that again? So well, that's kinda ridiculous making that kind of promise. But I it was like my my need for my desire to see him again, to not be alone was greater than my rational part of myself that knew this was not a good idea. And I said, well, you know, there's gonna be some things that you have to agree to as well, which, of course, he said yes to all of it, but none of it really mattered in the end. And then I had to explain to my friends, my family, oh, it actually wasn't so bad before.

Cara (24:21): No. He's changed. And even my therapist. I had to then say, this is why I'm getting back together and almost create a story out of thin air of what our relationship is now like.

Unknown Speaker (24:41): How how did you feel about that? Because it seems like now you're kind of living two lives, if that makes sense.

Cara (24:49): Oh, it makes sense. I'm very familiar with living two lives, and it it did remind me of that. I feel like there's yeah. There's two of me that I can be the good, responsible, caring, empathetic person that people know me as. And then there's the other side that is willing to walk the lie, that very thin line of the other side of darkness that I know I I'm walking right into it, but I'm just kinda hoping that it'll just all work out somehow, that this other person is gonna miraculously change to what they say they are.

Cara (25:38): So yeah. So almost immediately, these different things started happening and transpiring that were not good. So, let's see. I had, you know, established good friends that I was just hanging out with, and I was going to go for a walk with this friend. And then my ex, he decided that, oh, well, this is when I wanted to hang out with you.

Cara (26:12): And then I said, well, I had plans with this other person. And he basically made it that, well, are you gonna choose them or me? And part of me knew this is ridiculous. But then I I also noticed that, like, he was really angry, and it made me scared. And it was a type of fear that I don't think I had experienced much in my life.

Cara (26:45): I've actually had never experienced self like, being with an intimate partner who expressed this type of anger. So it scared me. I still went on a walk with my friend. And then later on, he apologized and said, yeah. I overreacted.

Cara (27:04): I'm sorry. But this type of this anger was under the surface, and it was coming up more and more frequently.

Unknown Speaker (27:17): How did you feel when he expressed, that he was sorry?

Cara (27:25): I felt I felt relieved when he expressed, when he apologized. And I'll say that over the course of the four years that we were together, he always apologized. He always came back. It was very guaranteed. Now sometimes it would take a little while, but I would always be waiting for that apology to calm my system.

Cara (27:57): And even if I knew that however he acted, the rage, all of that was not right, there was a part of me that felt, I guess, that I deserved it because I went back into it. I'm choosing to be in this relationship. I'm telling everyone else it's fine. So you know what? I deserve it.

Cara (28:22): And I would just wait for him to make things better to calm my system down. So those kinds of things happened where I would, you know, plans that I would make with friends or without him, I always felt that there could be some upset that happened. So I started to do that less and less making plans with other people because it wasn't worth it. It just didn't feel safe. And one of the tactics that he would use plausible deniability seems to be something that comes up.

Cara (29:02): He would use these tactics. So he would have these anxiety attacks, but they seem to come up at very opportune times when it was something that I wanted to do. The focus was on me. So it was my birthday, and, we're going to meet my sister and my niece at a cafe just for a short little my sister got some presents. And so I was kind of excited because he's gonna get to hang out with him and get to know him a little bit.

Cara (29:40): And I'll have to say that my my sister was not happy that I got back together with him. So I felt like I I really wanted her to see that, you know, get to know him a bit and that we were doing good. So we met at a cafe, and it was just almost immediately he had was having anxiety attack. So it came about him, and I didn't know what to do. And, also, I wanted to see my sister and my niece and celebrate my birthday.

Cara (30:23): So these type of things, what happened? And it seemed like it happened when it was my friends or my family. I got to spend a lot of time with his family, which I like them, but a lot of interesting dynamics that went on with his family. But I would think to myself, you know, I show up with his family. But as it turns out, we spent more time with his family.

Cara (30:56): It it wasn't very equal, I guess.

Unknown Speaker (31:03): So did you have any feelings surrounding this?

Cara (31:08): There's that, you know, that that mother like, I get this anger in me that is just that I don't I don't like in a way. I don't I don't I don't wanna feel like this. But I guess it it is the anger that motivated me to leave eventually. But I've tried to figure out the trajectory of, you know, how it increased and how things got worse over time. So he ended up moving in with me.

Cara (31:47): At the time, it seemed like, yeah, I could use help with some of the bills here. He's over here a lot. And, I mean, yeah, basically, that's what I was thinking at the time. And he was very generous and very exuberant about creating this home together and this little family. And I also noticed that any of the rages, abusive behavior only happened when it was just him and I at home.

Cara (32:25): Even though he said he didn't have control over these rages that he would have, somehow, he was able to have control enough to only do it when it was just him and I. So soon after he moved in, he would be triggered by maybe I don't even something I said, which I wouldn't I couldn't even figure out what it was. And then I tried to not say certain things. I tried to understand the things that I said or did that might trigger him and not do those things, but that always changed. So I remember the first time he got in a rage and his face would change.

Cara (33:21): It was it was like you hear about people saying, like, their eyes went black. And I can understand that in a metaphorical sense. It was like his body became possessed by something else. And when that would happen and I could see it in his jaw that I didn't know where it was gonna go or where it was gonna lead. So one thing he would always do is get up in my face.

Cara (33:54): And he's taller and bigger than me, stronger than me. And he would just yell just awful things to me. I mean, it was basically projection. Everything that he yelled at me when I thought about it later, it's like, oh, well, he's talking about himself there. But at the time, all the blood would run out of my face, and I would just be in a state of terror.

Cara (34:21): And I'm and I'm a fonder. So how do I make this situation calm and better? What do I need to do to calm this situation down? How do I talk to somebody who is being possessed right now by this rage? And and I would never know how long it was gonna be or where it was gonna go.

Cara (34:50): Three or four different times, he had gone in and grabbed a knife out of the drawer. I always knew when he would go to the kitchen, he was gonna grab a knife. And there would be, like, this time period where I didn't know what he was gonna do with the knife. It was just, is he gonna come after me? Is he gonna come after himself?

Cara (35:14): And mostly would then threaten to stab himself, and he he never did.

Unknown Speaker (35:26): So what happens to you when he says these things or threatens these things?

Cara (35:36): What happens to me is I get in you know, it's like my body's frozen, but at the same time, I'm actually pretty darn good in emergency type situations. And I do think it's directly related to growing up in a household where there was lots of arguing and throwing things and things like that. I would have to think on my feet of what to verbally say. So sometimes it would be maybe I would yell to talk sense into him. Like, basically, if you do this, then that's gonna happen.

Cara (36:13): Put the knife down, or I would plead, or I would just whatever came to me intuitively at the time. And then at some point, he would it would, like, break the spell, I guess. That's what it felt like to me. And then he would just end up sobbing on the floor, and I would end up comforting him. And then he'd finally come to, but it never got around to me being able to say how it affected me.

Cara (36:50): Because if I ever brought it up later on, it would just cause more stain to him. And it it's not he already knows. He does he knows it's awful, but he can't talk about it. So it would just be blown over and move on, and there would be, you know, a period of calm after this explosion.

Brandon Chadwick (37:24): So here you are in this familiar role caretaking this person where there are legitimate things going on as far as knowing that they've come from trauma. It's something where you end up kind of caretaking after these rages that you are exposed to that you could be in fear of your life or fear for their own life in these instances. So how are you coping, and how are you mentally dealing with what's going on?

Cara (38:07): So I didn't I did not know what to do. And also at the same time, I was reflecting upon my growth as a human being. I was thinking, oh, wow. So after all of these years of work, how is it that right now I am in the scariest relationship to date? How did that happen?

Cara (38:37): I just I just had never run across someone who was this physically violent. And it's it's it was really scary. And I and I saw the incremental changes. It it was little by little. You know, somebody cut like, it really I mean, every everyone's situation is different, but I could see those incremental changes and how it got, like, more, like, he's in my face.

Cara (39:12): He grabs my he grabs my arms. I'm on I'm laying on the bed. You know, we're just sitting around laying on the bed. He comes on top of me and grabs my arms. So he's pinning me.

Cara (39:27): And at one point, he was so enraged. I think he wanted to hit me, but instead, he punched himself three times in the face. And then later tried to tell me, well, somehow, because he punched himself in the face, that's not really physically assaulting me. But I knew, like, no. When you're doing that, that that's violent and that I I'm affected by it.

Cara (40:04): It's happening right in front of me. So I knew he had the potential to I don't know. I don't know.

Unknown Speaker (40:18): And from when this relationship started to this point, how have you changed as far as your behaviors and, mental health at this point?

Cara (40:31): So at this point, we're we're living together and these things are happening, I'm completely isolated from my friends. I don't really wanna talk to them because I'm just gonna make things up. I'm just not gonna be honest about what's happening. So to me, it's it's exhausting. It's an effort to pretend.

Cara (41:02): My mental health is very bad. It's kind of like in a I'm just depressed. I'm just going along. I realized that I had been in a state of hopelessness for a really long time. And how I realized it was, I think, I was trying to think about my future and what what excites me about life.

Cara (41:35): And I was looking back to other times in my life that I was excited about projects, projects creative. I had been involved in different, theater stuff in town and other creative things. I didn't care about any of it, and I could not even access that feeling. So I was I was very much in a place of suicide ideation. I could go there very quickly.

Cara (42:14): And just like the thought I felt so bad that I had allowed myself to get into this. And it and because it was a lot more extreme physically, I just thought, you know, what's the point? Like, I I had my chance. I I was healing, and then I dove right into something that this was gonna put me under the ground. I might as well just voluntarily, you know, jump in a an empty grave and have someone just throw dirt on me.

Cara (42:54): I mean, that's how it feels like. Just you know what? Just throw dirt and let me just disintegrate, with the maggots. However, I've got my son. I'll just say, like, what continued to happen on a regular base I mean, the the cycle of abuse.

Cara (43:14): I was like, yeah. I know about cycle. I know about cycle of abuse. Oh, wow. I fully understand someone that is in a physically abusive relationship.

Cara (43:29): It it is similar. It's not something different than the emotional. But for some reason, I wanted to in my mind, wanted to say, well, I'm not that, or I like, that was separate. No. I get it now.

Cara (43:46): I understand the cycle, and I know just where I am on the cycle, and I can't get out. I can't get out. I am trauma bonded. The thought of him leaving was, like would be like a death that I would have to mourn. I would rather just see myself in the grave than to deal with that.

Cara (44:11): Like, those are my thoughts at the time. And so throughout this whole four years too, part of this whole cycle, when the rages happened, a lot of times he said, I'm done. I'm out of here. And he would, like, dramatically pack some bags. And so a lot of times, I would just be like, no.

Cara (44:36): Like, don't leave. Where because, a, I was scared what was gonna happen when he went out the door. Was he gonna drive off a bridge? Because he threatened suicide quite a bit. Was he going to create a scene?

Cara (44:51): Was he gonna go to his parents and then say bad things about me? I just didn't know. I just wanted him to stay and then follow through and, you know, cry on the floor and then come back to reality and then have that little bit of peace. I'm like, no. You can't leave.

Cara (45:11): Let's finish this cycle in here, and so then I can have my good times for, like, a week or two. So, I mean, he must have said he was gonna leave. I don't need a I a 100 times. A 100 times. It just got to be so normal.

Cara (45:30): That happened. Also, he would get jobs. He would quit jobs within the week. So it was always like the the so the future faking, it was a daily future faking that happened of I'm gonna get this job, and I'm gonna do this. And, oh, he was also in school.

Cara (45:52): I think he dropped out and went back maybe three times during that four year period, and it would be this huge thing. So, basically, I was just riding the roller coaster of his reign the entire four years. And myself, I was just, I don't know, waiting in hopelessness or thinking, well, once we fix this, then it's time for me. So and I'm trying to think what it was. I think it was, it was around my birthday, which I guess symbolically, it was kinda significant to me.

Cara (46:47): Also well, I I should say the last holidays, I had a bunch of family come in, and it'd been years, and I wanted him to meet them. And he was just not present whatsoever. Same tactics made it very difficult for me during that time. And then my birthday came after and had a bunch of money that he spent about a week before my birthday, which at that time, he said he was gonna take me out to a nice dinner and this and that. But somehow, on my birthday, had spent all the money, and he was promising me when he got money, he was gonna take me out.

Cara (47:33): But in the meantime, he got me this card from, like, the nearest grocery store. And he told me this, like, he took a really long time picking it out at the grocery store. And he wrote in the card these heartfelt like, this is, like, his vulnerability, heartfelt. And in the card, he had, like, a $25 gift certificate that I know he got from somebody else as a, I don't know, a token of something, and it didn't even work. The card didn't even work.

Cara (48:26): But then I remembered, wait a minute. I checked the card that he got me from the previous year, and I realized he did almost exactly the same thing the year before. It was a card from the same store saying very familiar things, but instead of a instead of a gift card, he he Venmoed me $15. And I don't care about the money, but I'm like, this this is not right. But there's something not right about.

Cara (49:06): There's something very like, it put me in that place of feeling, oh, what's wrong with me? I'm all about I'm gonna be all like, how about you to give me a good present? It's like, no. There there's something else going on here, and I gotta get out of this. So I came up with a plan, and I knew I had to get out.

Cara (49:32): And I knew the first thing I needed to do was start talking to people about what had been happening. Because once I started that, I knew that there was no going back. So I shared with, you know, a few close friends who I trusted, and I started telling my story. And it was really hard at first because I felt this sense of loyalty to him. And I don't know if that's part of trauma bonds and what happens, but I felt like I was betraying his trust, and I see myself as trustworthy.

Cara (50:16): Like, I keep people's, you know, innermost secrets. I I honor that. So the fact that I was then telling close friends because I wanted their support. And they were shocked. That's how good I was at keeping this double life.

Cara (50:44): And I got help. Like, I started feeling once I told them, I just started feeling the support and love and had to borrow some money because part of my plan was also that I was going to sell my condo and move basically out of town. I lived in this town for twenty one years, and I knew I needed to get out of town to get out of this relationship. And just so happens, my son was graduating from high school and wanted to, maybe live in another city. Was open to moving around.

Cara (51:35): So I thought, you know, I'm just gonna do this. It was a lot of physical labor, a lot of logistics, which I kinda like, actually. But the surge of energy I got from this taking my life back and making this change, I was just on a mission. So I was able to sell my place pretty quickly. But I actually, I didn't put it on the market right away.

Cara (52:13): But I also, at the same time, really strategically worked out breaking up. So it wasn't it wasn't just like, get out of here. I'm never talking to you again. It was, hey. This isn't working.

Cara (52:34): I don't wanna live with you anymore. It's bad for both of us. And it was actually a slow pulling apart, which I know that in a lot of people's situations, that's just not feasible. That's not gonna work. But I knew that this was how I wanted to do it.

Cara (52:59): I think it that's how it was gonna work for me. I was just I was gonna give it a try. Plus, I was so trauma bonded. The thought of just cutting off and then doing all these other things, I just couldn't do it. I mean, when I broke up with him, I was just, like, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.

Cara (53:28): I had a therapist once say that, like, it's like losing a limb when you're with someone for such a long time and then it's, like, cut off. It's it is like losing a part of yourself, and you don't know how to function or, I guess, like a drug, really. I guess it's like a drug.

Unknown Speaker (53:52): So were those were there hoovering attempts as well or no?

Cara (53:56): Yes. Very much so, through that period. Well, there was denial that we were breaking up. So it took a really long time for him to get his furniture out and actually find a place he would not move. He went to live with his parents.

Cara (54:21): They were somewhat close to town, and it it took forever. I actually I sold the place, bought a new place, moved into the new place about exactly the same time he actually finally moved into another place, which was six months later. So there was a lot of attempts to beg and plead, I'll change. But I was very much set. I was set.

Cara (54:55): I was doing what I was doing. There was nothing that was gonna get in my way. And I still kept in contact. But once I was in the new location and I was being pretty friendly but clear about my boundaries. And that's when the the rages started again.

Cara (55:20): And at that point, I was like, no. I'm not not doing the rages. So now first, it was let's not talk for a week. Then, eventually, I've just completely cut him off. But he still finds ways to get through, but I don't respond.

Unknown Speaker (55:38): What are those ways?

Cara (55:42): I guess I didn't really well, a, we shared a phone line, so that was kind of a a thing to pull me in. But I ended up having to just completely, you know, cut him off with no phone, because he wasn't taking care of that. So, you know, all of this social me you know, even, like, Cash App, you know, different applications that I didn't realize. Okay. That's, you know, LinkedIn.

Cara (56:15): One time when I was, it was in the middle of the night, and it was a unknown number. And I don't know why I answered the phone. I was thinking I don't know what I was thinking, but it was him. But he's still trying. Like, he just yesterday.

Cara (56:32): But I don't I don't read any of the messages. I don't read any of the messages anymore because it it's not good for me. I get I get scared when I read them or my body just I don't know what that is, what my body does. It it it's fearful. Not that I am afraid of him, physically afraid of him.

Cara (57:01): It's a feeling of somebody's coming after me, and they want to make me pay for what I've done.

Brandon Chadwick (57:14): So where are you now with everything, and how is the healing process been?

Cara (57:22): So I'm now in the new place. I've really set up my space to be a sanctuary, probably more so than I've ever created a sanctuary for myself and my three cats. So I I am the cat lady. I'm very proud. And, you know, I'm in a brand new town.

Cara (57:52): I know one person, kind of, but I actually meet people fairly easy. I know I had a rough start as a kid, but throughout my adult life, I do not have a hard time making friends at all. I got past that. So I'm not I'm actually I wanna be careful who I make connections with because I also realize that, you know, I'm still vulnerable. At the same time, it's don't wanna isolate.

Cara (58:32): So I'm getting involved little by little. It's little baby steps and being as kind to myself as I can be in every moment of every day. It is when I think of, you know, being here for my son, my son will do good in life if I am doing good for myself. And so it's uncomfortable, but I keep refocusing. So it's been it's up and down.

Cara (59:11): They're, like, nights where as soon as it gets dark, I just feel so alone. But I think it's really it's just unfamiliar. It's just an unfamiliar feeling. I'm okay with it taking a while, and I'm also okay with, like if this if that was my last intimate relationship, that's okay. Because I've got, you know, that humanity to tap into.

Cara (59:52): And I've had those experiences. Now if I do get into a relationship, it's gonna be totally different. And I'm just kind of figuring out what that might look like, although I won't know till I experience it. But it's gonna be very different from what I've experienced so far in this life. So I'm in no hurry.

Unknown Speaker (1:00:18): And if you had any words of wisdom for everyone listening, what would they be?

Cara (1:00:23): What I wanna say is that forgiveness is key. So forgiveness of where you've been or even if you're presently in a relationship wanting to get out or, you know, in that process, forgiveness even in that place. Forgive yourself while you're even in it and forgive yourself once you get out. I think that is so key, to forgiving ourselves because we only know what we know until we know it. And we are truly amazing human beings and survivors.

Cara (1:01:17): So one little one oh, also one little baby step at a time.

Brandon Chadwick (1:01:25): Well, Kara, I really wanna thank you for being here with us today and sharing your story and discussing, you know, the cycles of abuse that were happening and the identification of those as well. You know, what you went through was scary, you know, not knowing what you're dealing with in a sense and seeing someone who is looks like they're about to take harm to a different level to you, but then inflicting it on themselves, which has to be very confusing in the caretaking then that goes involved with everything after the abuse has happened. It's like really, you know, quite an manipulation tactic for this person to always be kind of play me playing the victim and going to their trauma and then you caretaking and watching these cycles, you know, start finish and then kind of restarting them. It's a big thing to hammer home to a lot of people today that this is, you know, your story might be different, but you know, lot of the time they're they're all the same and just trying to figure out what's going on and then having, you know, the movement and knowledge gained to eventually break free and get the support that you need.

Unknown Speaker (1:02:46): So just a big thank you for being here today and sharing your story.

Cara (1:02:50): Thanks for having me, Brandon.

Brandon Chadwick (1:02:53): Well, Kara, thank you once again for being our guest this week. And if you want to be a guest like Kara was today, please do go to narcissistapocalypse.com. Top of the page, there's a button that says guest form. When you click on that button, it takes you to our guest form page. And there you can read all of our instructions and either send us an email at narcissistapocalypsegmail dot com or fill out our guest form and press the submit button.

Unknown Speaker (1:03:21): And please do send it in the format that we ask for. And if you need support, we have a support group at narcissistapocalypse.com. So if you need support, go to narcissistapocalypse.com. Top of the page, there's a button that says support group. When you click on that button, it takes you to our very own safe social network.

Brandon Chadwick (1:03:42): And there you will see that we have Zoom meetings every Wednesday night, Thursday afternoons, and Saturday nights. Have forum boards for you to post on to get the validation that you need from survivors just like you, and you can make a lot of great friends there too. So if you need support, join our support group today. And if you need even more support, please do visit our friends at domesticshelters.org. Domesticshelters.org has articles and resources to help you make sense of what you're dealing with.

Brandon Chadwick (1:04:12): They have every phone number, email address, web address for shelters and agencies, no matter how big or small the town you are in. Domesticshelters.org has it there. It is a wonderful free resource. So if you need extra support, go to domesticshelters.org today. And we have another friend of the show called Shelter Movers, and Shelter Movers can be found at sheltermovers.com.

Unknown Speaker (1:04:35): And Shelter Movers helps survivors of domestic violence transition to a better and safer life. It is a volunteer organization, a donor supported organization, charitable organization as well. It is currently only in Canada, but they're looking to expand into The United States. What they do is they help coordinate moves for people who are getting out of domestic violence in course of control. They get all of your things out of your home, into storage, all of your belongings into storage, and they can do this for your pets and livestock too.

Brandon Chadwick (1:05:03): It is a wonderful organization. So if you need help from them, go to sheltermovers.com. If you just want to donate to them, go to their donation page at sheltermovers.com. And it's just a great organization, sheltermovers.com. And that is it for today's survivor story, today's episode.

Brandon Chadwick (1:05:22): So for myself and Cara, we hope you have a good night.