Debrief | Rage, Forced Caretaking, and Shame in Cara’s Story

Brandon Chadwick (0:03): To Narcissist Apocalypse everyone. I am Brandon Chadwick and this is our debrief episode for Cara's story. And we do have a content warning for today as we do discuss physical abuse and suicide threats in this debrief episode. And before we get to the key takeaways and fear, obligation, guilt, shame of Cara's story, here is a summary of Cara's story for those of you who have not listened yet. Cara grew up as the middle child of three girls in a working class Midwestern neighborhood with very strong Catholic roots and on the outside her family seemed involved and outgoing, but at home there was a lot of chaos.

Brandon Chadwick (0:45): Her father struggled with alcoholism and her mother was often angry and sometimes violent toward her. And Kara became very attuned to the emotions of the adults around her, especially her father. And after her parents divorced, Kara moved with her mother and sisters to a different area. They did not have much money and Kara became independent at a very young age. During middle school, she struggled with bullying, anxiety, depression, shame.

Brandon Chadwick (1:12): She spent a lot of time reading, exploring spirituality, alternative health and psychology, just trying to understand herself and find ways to heal. And as an adult, Kara entered a sixteen year marriage with someone who made her feel seen at first. They built a life, had a child together, but over time Kara felt invisible, alone and emotionally abused. The marriage ended when she was discarded for a much younger person. And afterward Kara went to therapy and Kara met the person that this story was about, the abuser that the story was about through a mutual friend in a 12 step program.

Brandon Chadwick (1:48): She was not looking for a relationship, he pursued her heavily. He was younger, very complimentary and constantly telling her that she was beautiful, made her dinner, gave her gifts, wrote poetry, and gave her attention that she had not received in years. And Kara noticed some red flags, including the intensity of the compliments that were going on and the constant texting, but she also really enjoyed feeling seen. And after about six months, Kara did end the relationship because of those red flags. She didn't speak to him for several months and really started to feel a little bit better.

Brandon Chadwick (2:23): Then the pandemic hit, her income was cut off. She felt isolated and scared, and this person found his way back into Kara's life. And Kara felt when they got back together that she had to explain the decision to her friends, family, and even her therapist, and she created a story that the relationship was different now, but very quickly old problems returned. He became angry when she made plans with other people and Kara really started to feel afraid of his anger. And he eventually moved in with Kara and his rage here just escalates.

Brandon Chadwick (2:58): He would get in her face, yell awful things, grab her arms, pin her down, just really terrifying her. Several times he grabbed a knife during an argument and threatened to stab himself and Kara would try to calm him down and talk him through it, plead with him, or do whatever she could to stop the situation from getting worse. And then after these episodes, he would often collapse into tears and Kara would have to comfort him and the conversation rarely came back to how his behavior affected her. And then Kara became more isolated from friends because it took so much energy to pretend things were fine. Her mental health started to decline and she just felt hopeless and depressed, and the relationship followed to just a repeated cycle of rage, threats to leave, suicide threats, apologies, short periods of calm.

Brandon Chadwick (3:46): And Kara knew that she was trauma bonded and felt that losing this relationship would just be very unbearable. And then around her birthday, began to see the patterns more clearly with more broken promises that were occurring. She remembered that some of these things that were happening now were the things that were happening the year before. So at that point, Kara made a plan. She started telling trusted friends what had been happening, borrowed money from them, sold her condo, and made plans to move out of town.

Brandon Chadwick (4:18): And her abuser here tried to deny that the breakup was happening. He started to beg, plead. He made promises to change, but Kara kept moving forward. And so that is the summary of Kara's story. And now we're going to move to the key takeaways.

Brandon Chadwick (4:35): The first one is love bombing after emotional starvation, thus things not being obvious. So the first thing for Cara was that this love bombing really landed with her. She was coming from a relationship with emotional abuse and she was coming from a relationship where she was just emotionally starved for attention in any way to be seen. Kara was coming from a relationship, a marriage where she felt worthless and she felt alone. So when this new person, this abuser comes in and tells her that she's beautiful constantly, writes her poetry, gives her gifts, makes dinners, very generous with attention.

Brandon Chadwick (5:16): He's generally just very excited about her, and after years of not feeling seen, that type of attention that you're getting there can really, you know, if there's red flags going on, you might not see those red flags because it's going be overwhelming feeling when you're getting this type of attention when you haven't been seen for so long. And I think this is where people who are on the outside of this stuff really don't understand the pull of what's going on. They may look at the early behavior and think that, you know, these red flags should be obvious, but it's not always obvious when the exact thing that is being offered to you is the thing that has been missing for so many years. So you're going to be looking at these positive things and not these negative things. And if someone has been just starved for attention like Kara has, and you think of it in the food manner, she's been malnourished, now she's getting nourishment.

Brandon Chadwick (6:06): So these compliments feel really good. In some ways she feels like she's becoming healthier, more full. And Cara was aware of a lot of these things, a lot of these different tactics that were going on, but awareness in many cases, it doesn't automatically shut off this part where you're being overwhelmed by everything that's being thrown at you. You can be very aware of all these tactics, but if someone really does their job and like overwhelms you, overwhelms your senses, those things can just be like taken out very quickly. And I think that's very important for survivors to hear because shame inside you loves to say, You should have known better.

Brandon Chadwick (6:44): Shame loves to say to you, After everything you've already been through, how did you end up here again? And it's a big part of Cara's story. Shame is part of it, but what Cara's story shows is how a person can know a lot of these things and still get pulled into something harmful because in this case, this person is really filling this hole inside Cara that was still missing and that they did such a great job of flooding it with that feeling so Cara would just forget about everything that she had learned. There's no shame in that. It's just, this is the psychology that was going on and it could be for a lot of you out there as well.

Brandon Chadwick (7:23): And then the next key takeaway we have is rage as an atmosphere. And in Cara's story, rage became something she had to organize her life around. She talked about him getting in her face, yelling terrible things, grabbing her arms, pinning her, punching himself in the face, grabbing knives, threatening to harm himself. And this is terrifying. And even if the person does not hit you in that moment, there is a threat that that is still there.

Brandon Chadwick (7:50): That danger is still there. Your body is still responding to that, even though it hasn't happened, but that danger is there and the survivor still has to calculate what might happen next. And that's what Cara was doing. And this is the whole atmosphere that she is living in, in this survival mode. The rage atmosphere here is real.

Brandon Chadwick (8:11): The threat here is real and your nervous system is reacting to this and it's scary. And you're really, when the rage is the atmosphere, you're really going to be collecting around the other person to try to be as safe as possible. Your body is going to be on guard at all times, your mind is going to be on guard at all times, and it's a really difficult place to live in, always being on edge when this is the atmosphere of your home, not knowing when an escalation like this can occur because you've seen it and you know it can happen and a lot of you are living with this and my heart goes out to all of you. And the next big key takeaway here is suicide threats and this forced caretaking that is going on. And after the rage for Kara, there was often a collapse from her abuser.

Brandon Chadwick (9:01): He would threaten suicide, he could grab a knife, he would cry on the floor, and then Cara would comfort him and somehow the harm done to her never became the center of the conversation. And this is the cycle that was occurring for her. The survivor Cara here is terrified, harmed, destabilized, and then the person who caused that terror is the one that needs the care after. That's where it gets flipped here, so the survivor's fear gets pushed aside, their pain, everything they've gone through, their needs disappear because now the emergency is with the abuser, the shame that they are going through, the collapse that they're going through, the threats that they are having, the suicide threats. Now you're involved in their feelings and their inability to cope with what they did.

Brandon Chadwick (9:52): And in abusive dynamics, these threats of self harm become part of this control system. They can keep the survivor from leaving, They can make the survivor feel responsible for another person's life, and that is control. And a lot of you go through this as well. And hopefully this validates what you're going through. It's a very difficult place to be, cause you don't want the other person to do anything about themselves, they're always making it about them and nothing you're doing is none of your needs are getting met at all.

Brandon Chadwick (10:22): And none of your concerns are getting talked about at all. And this is control. And the next thing we have on our list for key takeaways is the double life of a survivor. Some of you might think that I was about to talk about the double life of an abuser, but there is also the double life of a survivor. And Kara talked about having to explain to friends, family, and even her therapist why she was back with the abuser.

Brandon Chadwick (10:48): She had to create a story about how he was different now. She had to tell people it was not that bad. She had to make the relationship make sense from the outside. So this is the beginning of this double life that is going on. There's this public version where everything is okay, okay enough to explain to other people, and then there's this private version where their survivor Kara is being screamed at, intimidated, isolated, and just slowly worn down.

Brandon Chadwick (11:16): And shame is one of the reasons why this double life can continue. Kara said her friends were shocked when she finally started telling them what had been happening. Sometimes they're protecting the person who is hurting them. Kara talked about feeling loyalty to him, to the abuser, and feeling like she was betraying his trust by telling close friends. So this is where this person who is harming you can still feel like someone that you owe protection to.

Brandon Chadwick (11:42): Their secrets can feel like your responsibility. Their shame can feel like something you were supposed to guard. So this double life starts to form and this secrecy protects this abusive system and telling the truth would eventually start to break it. So once this double life started to break, when Cara really started to tell other people, trusted people what was happening for her, was no going back, and that's why telling the truth can feel really scary. It's not just sharing information, it's changing the structure of the relationship.

Brandon Chadwick (12:16): It's letting other people see the reality of the abusive dynamics that are going on that are being hidden and once you start telling the truth to your friends and your family and your support system, that double life will go away. But for a very long time, survivors just like you out there could be going through a double life scenario, and you what, you might be protecting the abuser, you might trying to show them in the best light, but by doing that, that double life has been created and then there could be a shame on top of that of discussing what is actually going on as well that's keeping you in this relationship longer and creating this double life too. And then another key takeaway is just the isolation and the shrinking of a life. A lot of you go through this. Kara described becoming isolated from friends.

Brandon Chadwick (13:04): She stopped making plans because it did not feel worth it to get her abuser upset. If she had plans, there could be anger going on, there might be an anxiety attack. So this is how isolation can happen with no one really saying you can't go see these people or you can't go do this, you just needed these rages or guilt going on. Someone doesn't have to say you're not allowed to see your friends. Sometimes the survivor here is just learning that connecting with other people will bring tension, rage, sulking, anxiety, chaos.

Brandon Chadwick (13:40): So the survivor like Cara here starts choosing a path that really creates the least amount of danger possible. By doing that over time, her world, your world starts to shrink becoming smaller and smaller and smaller, isolating you further and then having the abuser have more control over you. And then the next thing on our list is the birthday card in her story and the pattern becoming clear. And this was really interesting. You know, the abuser had promised a nice dinner, then he gave her a card from the same grocery store with familiar language and a gift card that didn't work.

Brandon Chadwick (14:22): And then Kara remembered that the previous year, this happened before. This was a pattern, almost the exact same thing had occurred. And sometimes a moment like this helps us survive or leave, and it doesn't have to be this dramatic, dramatic incident. It's not always screaming or not always having the worst night. Sometimes it's just a small repeated insult to your reality.

Brandon Chadwick (14:48): And it's in a moment like this where the survivor sees a pattern very clearly and then cannot unsee it. So this card was not just a card, this card represented a cycle, promises, disappointment, excuses. And after that, Kara made a plan, she started telling people about what was going on, she got support and she left. And a big reminder, leaving does not look the same for everyone. Some people need a sudden exit, some people need a safety plan, some people need legal help, some people need shelter support, some people need to leave slowly because of the trauma bond, logistics, finances, children, housing, pets, danger.

Brandon Chadwick (15:28): You know, some people leave everything all at once, but Cara's exit was strategic, it was not clean, it was not easy, there were hoovering attempts, there was denial that was going on, there was messages going through different apps, there were attempts to keep contact going, but she just kept moving forward toward her new life And it all started here with just seeing this pattern very clearly for what it was and realizing I've seen this before, this isn't going to change. And she was able to leave. And sometimes it's just that small thing, not a big thing, but this little thing where you finally see that pattern and hopefully, part of our show is trying to help people see patterns and hopefully this is going to be helpful for you as well. So those are our key takeaways from Kara's episode, Kara's Survivor Story. Now we're going get into the fear, obligation, guilt, and shame, and how these things kept Kara in these relationships.

Brandon Chadwick (16:21): So fear here kept Kara in the relationship because the rage created this real danger. She did not know where it was going to go. She did not know if he was gonna hurt her or hurt himself, and when someone is grabbing knives or pinning you, getting in your face, threatening suicide, fear becomes part of every decision. Leaving just doesn't feel like a choice at all, it feels like something that could trigger another explosion. So that was keeping Kara in this relationship, this type of fear.

Brandon Chadwick (16:48): So then we have obligation and obligation kept Kara in this relationship because she was just placed in this caretaker role again, and with the rage and the threats, he would collapse, and she just felt obligated to comfort him and make sure that he was staying alive. And that also comes into guilt. You know, there's a guilt of like, If I don't do this, what's going to happen to him? That's part of keeping her in this relationship as well. But he always was pulling abandonment type of stuff, so she felt guilty that he would have nothing without her, you know.

Brandon Chadwick (17:22): So she was really fiercely loyal to him out of this guilt, kept her in this relationship longer. And then there was the shame. And shame kept Kara in this relationship because she felt embarrassed. She had to explain why she went back. Had to maintain the story that everything was fine.

Brandon Chadwick (17:40): And she had done a lot of healing work, so being in another abusive relationship felt like proof that something was wrong with her. So there's a couple different shames going on and that kind of shame can keep a survivor silent because they fear the judgment of others, but they're also having their own self judgment too, and that kept her in this relationship longer as well. So that was our fear, obligation, and guilt and shame of Cara's story. And now we're going to get into what we want for Cara going forward. I just want really one thing, know, when I think about what I want for Cara, I just want her to keep forgiving herself for what survival looked like.

Brandon Chadwick (18:19): Survival is not going to look good. It's going to be messy. It's not going to be clean. She was doing the best she could with everything that was going on. There was a lot of fear.

Brandon Chadwick (18:28): There was a lot of obligation. There was a lot of shame. There was a lot of guilt going on. All of these things were mixed in here and it was really a tough spot to be, know, with that shame, it's hard to get help from the outside world plus you're being isolated, you're just trying to survive, You're in survival mode and I just want her to forgive herself because I know she was really hard on herself because she had been through abusive relationship before and she thought this wasn't going to happen to me again, but it's okay that it did. There are so many things going on.

Brandon Chadwick (19:01): I just want her to create more spaces and take up more space and just let herself be herself and really just forgive herself because she deserves that and all of you deserve that as well. And I hope that you found this episode helpful, insightful, validating, and if you want to be a guest like Kara was on her Survivor Story episodes, please do go to our website at narcissistapocalypse.com, click on our guest form button, fill out the form and we'll go from there. We also have a support group at narcissistapocalypse.com where we have Zoom meetings every Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons and Saturday nights. We also have form boards for you to post on to get the validation that you need from survivors just like you. If you need support, join our support group today.

Brandon Chadwick (19:45): And we also have a newsletter at our website where you get a free workbook for every new survivor story that we put out, and that can be signed up for at narcissistapocalypse.com. And that is it for today's debrief episode. So for myself and Kara, we hope you have a good night.