51 Verbal Manipulation Tactics: A Survivor's Catalog of Gaslighting, Rage, and Everything in Between

Why This Guide Is Different

Most "manipulation tactics" articles are written by people who've never lived inside one. This one isn't.

The list below was developed by Vienna, a domestic abuse survivor who appeared on the Narcissist Apocalypse podcast in an episode dedicated to decoding the language of manipulation. While she was in her abusive relationship, Vienna started writing down — without judgment, without interpretation — exactly what was said to her after every verbal altercation. She'd come back to it later, when she wasn't emotionally activated, and study it. Patterns emerged. She named them, categorized them, and eventually built the catalog you're about to read.

As Vienna explained on the episode: "Because my personality is naturally focused towards patterns, and figuring things out, when I was in an abusive relationship, that confusion of 'something's wrong but not knowing what it was' — that was so frustrating for me. So I just started sorting it out."

The result is what you'd get if a hyper-observant pattern-recognizer spent years cataloging the exact rhetorical moves used against her — and then sat down with the host of a narcissistic abuse podcast and walked through every one. Every tactic below comes with what it sounds like, an example (often from Vienna's actual life), and a practical tip for how to respond.

If you've ever felt like something was wrong in a relationship but couldn't name it, this list exists to give you the vocabulary.

Quick warning before we start: Vienna also opened the episode with this — "Manipulation and verbal abuse become harder to detect over time, because you're used to it, you've adapted to it, and it doesn't sound strange anymore." If you read this list and recognize a lot of things, don't beat yourself up for not seeing them sooner. The adaptation is the point.

What Verbal Abuse Actually Is

Everybody knows that calling someone names is verbal abuse. What's less obvious — and far more common — is the other definition Vienna offered:

"Verbal abuse, in the context of interpersonal relationships, can just be a blanket definition of somebody else defining you. If someone is saying 'You are…' and then whatever comes after that, they're defining you. And that's not okay."

"You are always cranky when you wake up in the morning. You're a messy slob. You're this. You're that. It's these little things that happen over time that make you lose yourself. You're like, 'Oh, I guess I am. Am I cranky every morning?' And you just hear it over and over and over again."

Verbal abuse also consistently discounts your perception. It invalidates what you experience. And as you'll see in the 51 tactics below, it does so through dozens of distinct rhetorical moves — many of them subtle enough that you might not have a name for them until right now.

Manipulation Red Flags: 21 Signs You're Being Manipulated

Before getting into the 51 specific tactics, here are the 21 red flags Vienna identified — the feelings and signs that you may be in a manipulative dynamic, even before you can name a single specific tactic. Skim this list. If several of them feel painfully familiar, the tactics that follow will help you put names to what's been happening.

1. Feeling temporarily thrown off balance, momentarily unable to right yourself
2. Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly
3. Being caught off guard constantly by your partner
4. Feeling disconnected, confused, or disoriented
5. Feeling off balance, as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet
6. Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification
7. Feeling generally bugged out simply by being in the presence of the other person
8. Discovering you are mistaken about where you stood or what something was about
9. Feeling totally unprepared for a broken promise or unfulfilled expectation
10. Experiencing the shattering of an important dream
11. Where you assumed goodwill, ill will seems to prevail instead
12. Feeling pushed around, not in control of your own direction
13. Unable to get off the hamster wheel of redundant, ruminating thoughts
14. What seemed clear is now muddled (boundaries blurring over time)
15. An uneasy, weird feeling of emptiness
16. A strong wish to get away, yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen or dormant
17. Befuddled — not able to attack the problem because you can't label the problem
18. Feeling vaguely suspicious that something is wrong (your intuition speaking)
19. Feeling that your subjective world has become chaotic
20. Becoming flustered before conversations because you know you'll be countered
21. Walking on eggshells in your own home

If you're nodding along to several of these, keep reading. The next 51 sections will give you the precise vocabulary for what's actually happening.

The 51 Verbal Manipulation Tactics

1. False Flattery

What it is: Winning support for an argument not through the strength of the argument, but by flattering the person you want to accept it.

Example:

"It would really be best if you went grocery shopping, because you are so good at picking out the best, ripest fruit. Others can't get this done. Only you can."

Tip: As Vienna put it: "Flattery might get you somewhere, but it's usually a place you don't want to be."

2. Appeal to Force

What it is: Using force, coercion, or the threat of force in place of reason to justify a conclusion.

Example:

"Hey boss, why do I have to work weekends when no one else in the company does?" "Am I sensing insubordination? I can find another employee very quickly thanks to Craigslist."

A legitimate question was asked. Instead of a legitimate answer, it was deflected by a threat — being forced out of the job.

Tip: Do not allow others to force you into accepting something as true.

3. Appeal to Loyalty

What it is: Encouraging you, implicitly or explicitly, to weigh loyalty when evaluating whether something is true — when loyalty has nothing to do with the truth of the matter.

Example:

"Who are you going to believe, me or them? I'm your husband and that's all you have to know."

Or weaponized vows: "You said till death do us part."

Why it cuts deep: This one isn't just about romantic relationships. As Brandon noted on the episode, "snitches get stitches" lives in the same family — toxic friends, family loyalty, professional loyalty. You end up going along with things you know you shouldn't, because your loyalty is being used against you.

Tip: Loyalty is a relationship choice. It is not a substitute for truth.

4. Playing the Victim

What it is: Distracting from the truth of a conclusion by using pity.

Example:

"You don't care about me. You never cook, you never clean, you refuse to have sex with me — the least you could do is help me with this one thing, this one time."

It's not the dramatic "I lost my job" victimhood. It's the everyday, subtle, in-home version that makes you feel guilty enough to comply.

Tip: Notice when pity is being used as leverage. A reasonable request doesn't need a martyr's preamble.

5. Withholding

What it is: Refusing to listen, denying your experience, and refusing to share themselves with you — violating the foundational agreement of a relationship: communication.

What it sounds like: Often it sounds like nothing. Or: "He's just shy." / "She just doesn't talk much."

Those things can be true. But if a partner is consistently withholding information, refusing to engage, or afraid to speak the truth, something is wrong.

Tip: Communication isn't a bonus feature of a relationship. It is the relationship.

6. Appeal to Possibility

What it is: Treating a conclusion as true (or worth holding out for) just because it's possible — no matter how improbable.

Example:

"Do you think we'll still get married someday?" "I don't know. Anything's possible."

Vienna and Brandon referenced the famous Dumb and Dumber line — "So you're saying there's a chance." That's appeal to possibility in a sentence. The manipulator leaves the door cracked just enough to keep you waiting, without ever committing.

Tip: "Anything is possible" is not a yes. Treat non-commitment as a no.

7. Ridicule

What it is: Presenting your argument in a way that makes it look ridiculous — usually through exaggeration or misrepresentation.

Example:

"So you're saying that every single day at exactly 6pm, you've had dinner on the table without exception?" "No. What I'm saying is that I cook dinner for you every night with very few exceptions." "But you said you always cook dinner. So that's not really true, now is it?"

Tip: Maintain your composure when someone commits this fallacy at your expense. They are the ones who have committed the error in reasoning. Tactfully point it out.

8. Spite

What it is: Petty ill will, hatred, or the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart someone — used as a reason to support or reject a claim.

Example:

"Why should I bother exercising while you're on vacation stuffing your face with food?"

Why it matters: Spite is what little kids do. When a grown adult uses it, it's toxic — because they know better. As Vienna put it: "When a grown-up does it, it's toxic, because they know better."

9. Appeal to Stupidity

What it is: Devaluing reason and intellectual discourse — or pushing the other person to devalue them — and replacing them with rhetoric or emotion.

Examples:

"You know, your problem is that you think too much. If you'd just listen to your heart, you'd see I'm right."

Or in politics:

"The other guy throws statistics and data at us, showing how the economy has improved. But statistics don't feed your children. The economy is getting worse."

Tip: Associate with people who appeal to your intelligence, not your gut.

10. Appeal to Trust

What it is: The belief that if a source is considered trustworthy, anything they say must be true (or if untrustworthy, anything they say must be false).

Example:

"I've never lied to you before. Why would I be lying now?"

Tip: Just because you've never caught someone in a lie does not mean they've never lied — or aren't lying now. Trust is contextual, not absolute.

11. Loaded Language

What it is: Substituting facts and evidence with emotionally charged words designed to manipulate you into agreement. Also known as guilt-tripping.

Example:

"If you can't be there for me tonight, then that means you've never loved me, you will never love me, and I cannot trust you to be there for me ever again."

One missed evening becomes proof of a lifetime of disloyalty. It hits the guilt spot square on.

Tip: When language is doing all the work, ask whether the facts could carry the argument alone. If they can't, you're being moved by emotion, not evidence.

12. Fast Talking

What it is: Talking fast — and confidently — so that the listener can't dissect the argument in real time. By the time you'd notice the holes, the conversation has moved on.

Why it works: Brandon compared it to a Spielberg movie — pacing is so fast that you don't notice the plot holes until afterward, when there's no one to discuss them with. Infomercials use this. So do manipulators.

Tip: Slow the conversation down. Ask them to repeat themselves. Write down what they said. Anything that breaks the speed.

13. Gibberish

What it is: Using incomprehensible jargon, technical-sounding language, or plain incoherent rambling to create the appearance of a strong argument when nothing valid is being said.

Vienna's example: She tried to write a sample on the spot, and it was so disorienting she said:

"It's so word salad-y that I'm not even sure I can get it out."

The example: "Well, of course, if you request that I roll the tides in and out all the days, if we lived on the Gulf of Mexico, our pipes would be the cleanest pipes on the block. And as far as I know, that's the way it's always been, the way it'll always be. It's why I don't have to flush the pipes today. Is that clear?"

It is as clear as day that it is gibberish.

Tip: Good communication is not about confusing people. It's about mutual understanding. If you walk out of a conversation more confused than when you walked in, that's data.

14. Distracting with Charm

What it is: Using charm to win you over before any real argument has been made.

Example:

"Let me start by thanking all the wonderful people of this town by hosting this great event. I would be honored to call all of you my friends. As friends, I want to tell you that it's important we all band together to defeat the other guy."

Tip: Charm is a skill, not a crime — unless it's being used to bypass real evidence. Be charming because you're charming, not to get something past someone.

15. Selective Attention

What it is: Focusing on certain aspects of an argument while completely ignoring others. Results in irrelevant rebuttals and unnecessarily drawn-out arguments.

Vienna's scripted example:

"When you tell me to be quiet all the time, it makes me feel unheard." "I don't tell you to be quiet all the time." "You said every single day, all I do is say 'be quiet.'" "That's not what I said. I was just making a request that you don't shush me." "I thought you said I told you to be quiet." "Yes — the same thing. What should I do instead?" "You shouldn't be telling me to be quiet at all. The sound of my voice shouldn't be annoying to you." "Who said the sound of your voice annoyed me? Now you're putting words in my mouth." "New rule: don't put words in my mouth."

By the end of the exchange, the original request — please don't shush me — has vanished. Vienna's takeaway: "Toxic people, manipulators, abusive people really do not like to be told what to do. They don't like to be asked not to do something. It's a control thing."

Tip: Vienna's proposed counter-move: flip it back. While they're ignoring the relevant information, you ignore the irrelevant. Just keep returning the conversation to your original point.

16. The Fallacy Fallacy

What it is: Concluding that an entire argument is false because it contains one small error.

Vienna's real-life example:

"Can you please make sure the door gets shut all the way when you come home? The door was wide open this morning and Cookie was outside barking up a storm." "The cat was outside barking up a storm?" "I meant Fido. I don't know why I said Cookie." "I'm not listening to you because you can't even keep straight who was there."

Vienna noted: "You'd already be flustered going into the conversation because you knew you were going to be countered. So you misspeak — and that becomes the focus of the entire conversation."

Tip: A misspoken name or detail doesn't invalidate a real concern. Don't let your point get hijacked by your own small slip-ups.

17. Avoiding the Issue

What it is: Quietly steering the conversation away from a question they don't want to answer — by introducing other topics that sound relevant.

Vienna's scripted example:

"What on earth did you spend $700 on today?" "I went to the mall. I told you that already." "Yeah, but what did you buy that cost $700?" "I bought pizza at Sbarro's. Did you know you get a free drink with a slice?" "I did not know that." "Oh, guess who I saw at the mall? Your friend Rebecca."

The $700 is never accounted for. The topic was changed, and now you'll move on like it was never mentioned.

Tip: Don't avoid questions where you're afraid you won't like the answers. Stay focused. "We're not done with the original question."

18. Cherry Picking

What it is: Presenting only the evidence that supports their position, omitting everything that contradicts it. Also known as casual admission.

Example: "My ex slapped me once during an argument."

That sounds like clear abuse — and gets the listener's sympathy. But what's omitted: they were being slapped because they were strangling the other person. The full story is "my ex slapped me to stop me from choking them" — which is a very different story.

Tip: When you suspect you're getting half the story, ask: "Is there anything you're not telling me?"

19. Loaded Questions

What it is: Questions with a presupposition baked in — implying something while protecting the person asking from being directly accusatory.

Examples:

"How many times a day do you stink up the bathroom?" "Do you just eat these high-calorie meals all day long?"

These aren't questions. They're attacks dressed up as questions, often aimed at a known vulnerability.

Tip: Refuse the premise. "I'm not going to answer that as asked — the question has an assumption in it that isn't true."

20. Quoting Out of Context

What it is: Pulling a phrase or passage out of its surrounding context to distort its meaning.

Example:

"You called me a loser." "I didn't say that. I said I was the winner and you were the loser of the dominoes game last night. That's not calling you a loser."

One word or phrase is extracted and reframed to start a fight or fulfill their narrative.

Tip: When you're quoted, request the full context. Refuse to be defined by a phrase plucked out of its surroundings.

21. Redefinition

What it is: Defining a word, situation, or person in whatever way makes their position easier to defend.

Example:

"You seem mad. Are you mad at me?" "I'm just sitting here watching TV. Why would you ask me that?" "Because that look on your face is the definition of 'mad.'"

A neutral facial expression has been redefined as anger — and now you have to defend yourself against the new definition.

This is also where Vienna's blanket definition of verbal abuse lives: "If someone is saying 'you are…' and whatever comes after that — they're defining you. And that's not okay."

Tip: Don't accept definitions put forth by your opponent — especially when your opponent is defining you.

22. Double Standard

What it is: Judging two situations by different standards when, in fact, the same standard should apply.

Example:

"I can't believe you stayed out till 2 a.m. What were you thinking?" "You were out till 2 a.m. just last week." "Yeah, but that was different. I was with the boys."

It's never different. It's the same standard, applied unequally.

Tip: Name it: "The rule has to apply to both of us, or it doesn't apply at all."

23. Opposition

What it is: Asserting that anyone who disagrees with you must be wrong and not thinking straight — primarily because they're your opposition.

Example: "If you are not pro-life, then that must mean all pro-choice people would murder a baby."

This shows up across politics constantly: one side says they want gun control; the other claims they want to seize all guns. Two different arguments — opposition just exaggerates and inverts whichever one wins them points.

Tip: Holding different opinions doesn't make someone an enemy.

24. Black and White Thinking

What it is: Presenting only two choices when many exist — or when there's a whole spectrum in between. This is also one of the main tells of a personality disorder.

Example:

"I thought I could rely on you, but you forgot to pick me up from work. So obviously, I can't trust you and never will again."

One miss = total failure. There's no middle ground in their framing.

Tip: As Vienna offered: "Roses are red, violets are blue, these flowers can be pink and purple and yellow too." The world is rarely binary.

25. "We're Saying the Same Thing"

What it is: Claiming that two completely different — or opposing — arguments are actually equivalent.

Example:

"I love you." "I don't hate you. Why can't you just say I love you? I just did. We're saying the same thing."

This often appears mid-argument, when the manipulator has realized they don't actually want to keep arguing but also won't concede. So they collapse the disagreement into a fake agreement.

Tip: "If we were saying the same thing, why have we been arguing for 20 minutes?"

26. Having Your Cake

What it is: Responding to a question in a way that leaves the door open — committing to nothing while sounding like you've committed.

Example:

"What time should we go out on Friday? Lunch at 2? Early dinner and a movie? Late dinner?" "2pm is the best time to eat lunch because the restaurants are always empty."

No time was agreed to. If you assume "yes to lunch," they can later say "I never agreed to that." The illusion of agreement has been created without any commitment.

Tip: Get explicit confirmations. "So we're confirmed for lunch at 2 — yes?"

27. The What-Ifs

What it is: Offering poorly supported claims about hypothetical pasts or futures — linking two things that aren't actually connected.

Vienna's real example:

"If you kept your workspace cleaner, you'd sell much more products." "If you took me out more often, I'd be more attracted to you."

The first half and the second half aren't actually connected. It's a dangling carrot to manipulate you into the first action — the "reward" is illusory and likely won't come even if you comply.

Tip: Notice when two unrelated things are being chained together as cause and effect. Often they aren't.

28. Insignificant Cause

What it is: Pointing to one minor factor and claiming it's the sole cause of behavior — when it's really just an excuse.

Examples:

"I only act like this because my mom didn't pay attention to me as a child." "They only do those things because they grew up in foster care."

History can explain behavior. It can't excuse it indefinitely. Adults are responsible for what they do now.

Tip: Empathy for someone's history is not the same as accepting that history as a permanent license.

29. Jumping to Conclusions

What it is: Drawing a conclusion without taking the time to evaluate the evidence.

Example:

"You didn't call me at 8 o'clock like you said you would because you don't like talking to me."

When the truth was: I forgot my phone at work.

Vienna's key insight: "In an abusive relationship, when a manipulator does this nine times out of ten, they're not assuming things — they're doing it on purpose. They want you to know they assume the worst of you." The "concern" is performance, not reality.

Tip: Don't accept false conclusions just to defuse the energy. Restate the actual facts.

30. Worst-Case Scenario

What it is: Making an argument based on the worst possible outcome rather than the most probable one — letting fear override reason.

Example:

"You were late coming home from work. So you're obviously cheating on me."

Why it works: It conditions you. Over time, you start narrowing your behavior to avoid triggering the worst-case accusation. "They want you to think that if you don't do things exactly the way they want, you'll be blamed or punished. It's a way to keep you in place."

Tip: Notice when fear, not evidence, is doing the talking.

31. Limited Depth

What it is: Pretending to explain something without actually explaining anything — restating the assertion as if it were the explanation.

Examples:

"I didn't tell you I'd be late coming home because I didn't tell you." "I was flirting with that girl because I'm a flirt."

The "reason" is just the action restated. There's no actual explanation being offered.

Tip: "That's the action, not the reason. Why did you do it?"

32. Nitpicking

What it is: Using the technical tools of logic in an unhelpful, pedantic way — focusing on trivial details to avoid addressing the main issue.

Vienna's real-life example:

"Could you help me carry my packages to the post office tomorrow?" "Why carry them? Why not just call for pickup?" "The post office doesn't pick up on Saturdays." "So why not wait to mail them on Monday when they can pick them up?" "They're scheduled to ship tomorrow." "Who's really going to notice if they're one day late?" "Are you going to help me with the packages or not?"

Every small detail becomes a sub-argument until the original request is exhausted out of you.

Tip: Refuse the rabbit holes. "The question was: will you help me?"

33. Magical Thinking

What it is: Drawing causal connections between unrelated things — often based on superstition or projection — to deflect blame.

Vienna's framing: "Magical thinking is drawing connections between our external world and our internal thoughts in order to connect dots or create a narrative — rather than be a victim of one."

Example:

"You made me punch a hole in the wall."

Versus the honest version: "I punched a hole in the wall because I was frustrated and couldn't control myself."

Brandon's real story from the podcast: On a golf course at 15 or 16, Brandon hit his ball out of bounds, threw it backwards, took his penalty strokes, and continued. His brother went up next, topped his ball into the water, and turned around and said: "Because of you and your rule-breaking, you made me hit the ball into that water."

Brandon refused to apologize. His mother begged him to apologize so they could move on. He still refused. He ended up walking off the course.

His takeaway: "Unless you have a remote control to the other person's operating system, no one's making you do or say or think or feel anything."

Vienna's warning: "If you're not on guard for this and it becomes repetitive, you start fighting it — you start saying 'no, I didn't.' And that's the worst thing you can do, because you're acknowledging their delusion."

Tip: Don't engage the false causality. "No one made anyone do anything" is enough.

34. Moving the Goalposts

What it is: Demanding that you address more and more points after each one has been satisfied — refusing to ever consider the task complete.

Vienna's example of coercion-via-goalposts:

"You never give me a goodnight kiss when I go to sleep."

Okay, you start giving them a goodnight kiss.

"You never rub my back when I go to sleep. All you do is give me a goodnight kiss."

So you add the back rub.

"It just keeps going, going, going, going until you're doing a variety of things at the end of the day."

And the critical point Vienna emphasized: "It's intentional." The goalposts moving isn't accidental dissatisfaction. The dissatisfaction is the goal.

"You can't win. Every time you meet the demand, the goalposts move."

Tip: Keep a written log of what you've agreed to and done. When the goalposts move, the log makes the pattern undeniable to yourself. Then name the pattern, not the latest demand: "I notice that every time I do what you ask, there's a new thing. Can we talk about that pattern instead?"

35. Poisoning the Well

What it is: Smear campaigning. A preemptive attack against your opponent — priming other people with negative information about them from the very beginning, so that anything that opponent says later (especially anything true about you) gets dismissed.

The classic narcissistic version: "As soon as you meet somebody who's narcissistic, they have nothing but bad things to say about their ex."

If you've ever been on a few dates with someone and noticed that every former partner of theirs is described as crazy, abusive, or unstable — pay attention. That's not bad luck with exes. That's poisoning the well. They're preemptively discrediting anyone who might one day tell you the truth about them.

Why they do it: "They want to make sure that whoever has dirt on them is discredited." The well is poisoned before you ever draw from it.

Tip: When someone speaks with universal negativity about everyone in their past, that's information about them, not their exes. Maintain your own relationships and reputation independently — so that when the smear campaign starts about you, there's somewhere for the truth to land.

36. Rationalization

What it is: Making excuses. Inventing reasons that sound defensible rather than just saying the real thing.

Example:

"Plus, I really need to take a hot shower because my back is so achy…"

Instead of just: "I don't want to help you."

Tip: Notice when explanations are doing the job that honesty should be doing.

37. Red Herring

What it is: Redirecting the conversation to another issue where they're on more comfortable ground.

Example from the episode:

"It is morally wrong to cheat on your spouse. Why on earth would you have done that?" "But what is morality, exactly? It's a code of conduct shared by cultures. But who creates the code?"

The original question — why did you cheat? — has been swapped for a graduate seminar on the philosophy of morality. By the time you've engaged with the new abstract question, the actual question is gone.

How it works in everyday life: You ask about the credit card statement. They redirect to your job performance. You start defending your job. The credit card statement is never returned to.

Tip: Notice when the subject has shifted, then reel it back. "That's an interesting question, but it's not the one I asked. I asked about X."

38. "It Could Be Worse" / "It Could Be Better"

What it is: Making a scenario look better or worse by comparing it to the most extreme version of either.

Examples:

"I'm so excited — I got an A on my physics exam!" "Why not an A+? Which question did you get wrong?"

Or, more darkly:

"You should be happy. I only pushed you. A lot of men hit their wives. Not me. Could be worse."

The first denies you any positive moment. The second uses comparison to gross domestic violence to normalize their own abuse.

Tip: Your achievements don't need to be better. Their behavior doesn't get less bad because worse exists.

39. Scapegoating

What it is: Unfairly blaming a single person — or an entire group — for a problem because they're an easy target.

Examples:

"I know I got drunk, slapped the waitress, and urinated in the parking lot from inside the restaurant — but that's because you didn't take me home earlier."

Or at a societal scale: blaming entire populations for natural disasters, economic problems, or political failures. (Racism, Vienna and Brandon noted, lives squarely in this category.)

Tip: When responsibility for an individual's choices gets relocated onto someone else (or a group), you're watching scapegoating.

40. Shifting the Burden of Proof

What it is: Making a claim that needs justification, then demanding that you justify the opposite.

Example:

"Are you on some kind of drug? Your pupils are completely dilated." "How dare you accuse me of doing drugs? Go ahead — search me. See nothing in my pockets. Maybe gather some evidence next time before you accuse me of something like that."

You raised a reasonable observation. Now you're the one who has to prove it.

Tip: Restate the original observation. They're trying to make the conversation about your insufficiency, not their behavior.

41. Straw Man Fallacy

What it is: Substituting your actual position with a distorted, exaggerated, or misrepresented version — then arguing against that fake version.

Example:

"I'm thinking about joining book club on Tuesdays." "Well, you can go and ruin your life if you want to. But I'm staying right here."

Joining a book club has been transformed into ruining your life — and now you're defending against a charge you never made.

Tip: Bring it back to what you actually said. "That's not what I said. What I said was…"

42. Two Wrongs Make a Right

What it is: Justifying their behavior by claiming the other person did — or would have done — the same thing.

Example:

"I only cheated on you because you were still seeing me and that other guy when we first met."

It's not a reason. It's backwards logic.

Tip: Past or hypothetical wrongs don't authorize current ones.

43. Self-Confidence Attack

What it is: Attacking your confidence in place of making an actual argument.

Examples:

"It doesn't really matter that we didn't go to the party. You look tired anyway." "Do you really want to enter the contest? You're kind of short to be a runway model, don't you think?"

The "argument" is just an undermining of you.

Tip: Recognize when you're being shrunk instead of disagreed with.

44. Making Stuff Up

What it is: Fabricating evidence or claims when caught — refusing to admit there's no real basis for what they're asserting.

Example:

"I saw you at the bar last night. You cheated on me, didn't you?" "No." "Angela said you did." "No, she didn't." "Well, I just know."

Tip: "What evidence do you have for that?" — and don't let "I just know" pass as an answer.

45. Ad Hominem

What it is: Attacking the person making the argument rather than the argument itself. The classic narcissistic move.

Examples:

"How do you even know that? You never went to college. You're a moron." "I'd consider your perspective — if you weren't always wrong. You're such an idiot."

This shows up brutally in courtrooms, especially in sexual assault cases, where the victim's character and history get attacked instead of the actual events being addressed.

Tip: As Vienna put it: "When others verbally attack you, take it as a compliment to the quality of your argument — it's usually a sign of desperation on their part."

46. Questioning Motives

What it is: Suggesting that because the person making an argument is biased or has some predisposition, the argument itself must be invalid.

Examples:

"You're only afraid of me because your father abused you. I'm not your father." "You only want me to go to the party because you have no one else to go with — not because you love me. So I'm not going."

Tip: Your motives can be examined separately. They don't invalidate your underlying point.

47. Tu Quoque ("You Too")

What it is: Claiming an argument is flawed because the person making it doesn't perfectly live up to its standards.

Examples:

"Don't tell me I shouldn't smoke cigarettes. You smoked when you were younger." "You would do the same thing if you were in my position."

The fact that someone has imperfectly lived up to a value doesn't mean the value is wrong.

Tip: Hypocrisy and truth are separate conversations.

48. Alleged Certainty

What it is: Asserting a conclusion without evidence — through a statement that makes the conclusion sound certain when it isn't.

Vienna's full real-life story: Her ex-husband wrecked her car three times in a short period — small fender benders, backing into things. After the second time, she asked him: please get the other person's information next time. I don't have money to keep fixing these dents.

The third time, she noticed a new dent. She asked what happened. His response:

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this."

In Vienna's own words: "I'm only reacting to you not telling me after I asked you to tell me. I'm not reacting to the fact that you got into a fender bender. I'm reacting to the fact that you didn't tell me that you got into a fender bender."

Her future reaction was stated as a known fact — used to justify hiding the truth — and then used to reframe her as the unreasonable one. All in one sentence.

"It's crazy-making. It drives you up the wall."

Tip: Don't argue the hypothetical reaction. Redirect: "We can talk about how I'm reacting later. Right now I'm asking about what actually happened."

49. Lose-Lose

What it is: Presenting two choices that are essentially the same — just worded differently — to create the illusion of choice while denying real options.

Example:

"You can either leave tonight or leave early in the morning. Either way, I want you gone by sunrise."

Both options end in the same place. The "choice" was an illusion.

Tip: "Whenever you're presented with options, carefully consider the possibility of other options not mentioned, and propose them." Don't accept the menu they hand you.

50. Vagueness

What it is: Using unclear language with multiple possible meanings, so the argument can't be properly evaluated — or so they can later claim they meant something different.

Example:

"Where were you?" "Down the way." "Down the way where?" "Up the block."

Specific enough to sound like an answer. Vague enough to mean nothing.

Tip: Don't be afraid to ask for clarification — especially when the alternative is to assume you're being deceived.

51. Appeal to Anger (Rage)

This is the last and most important one on the list — and Vienna specifically asked that this point be heard:

What it is: Using anger, hatred, or rage as a substitute for evidence in an argument.

Vienna's full statement on the episode:

"When someone is flying off into a rage — narcissistic rage — and they're punching holes in the wall and they're storming around the house and stomping and their face is turning red and their eyes are bulging out of their head — that is to get you to stop doing whatever you're doing. To get you to shut up, stop saying what you're saying, or to get you to agree with something they want you to agree with."

"It is a verbal tactic turned into a physical tactic. It's not because they've lost control. It's not because they can't control themselves. It's not because they have anger issues. It is the same thing as any of the rest of these."

This is the single most important reframe in the entire episode. Rage is a tactic, not a loss of control.

Tip: Rage that involves destruction, threats, or physical intimidation is a serious escalation. Get to safety. Document. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Things Narcissists and Manipulators Say: Common Phrases to Recognize

If you scan back through the 51 tactics above, certain phrases recur in different costumes. These are the phrases survivors recognize instantly — the actual words of verbal manipulation. If several of these have been said to you, the tactics behind them have probably been used on you, too.

Phrases that distort reality (gaslighting and alleged certainty):

• "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this."
• "That never happened."
• "You're imagining things."
• "I never said that."
• "You're remembering it wrong."

Phrases that shift blame (magical thinking and scapegoating):

• "You made me do it."
• "Look what you made me do."
• "I only did that because you…"
• "If you hadn't pushed me, I wouldn't have…"

Phrases that use guilt or loyalty (loaded language and appeal to loyalty):

• "If you really loved me, you would…"
• "After everything I've done for you…"
• "Who are you going to believe, me or them?"
• "I'm your husband — that's all you have to know."

Phrases that collapse the argument ("we're saying the same thing" and black and white thinking):

• "We're saying the same thing."
• "You always…"
• "You never…"
• "I can never trust you again."

Phrases that define you (verbal abuse at its most direct):

• "You are so cranky in the morning."
• "You're a messy slob."
• "You're crazy."
• "Nobody else would put up with you."

As Vienna put it: "If someone is saying 'You are…' and then whatever comes after that — they're defining you. And that's not okay."

If you've heard several of these — especially repeatedly — the phrases aren't the problem on their own. The pattern is.

Verbal Abuse Examples: What These Tactics Sound Like in Real Life

One of the most useful features of this catalog is that nearly every tactic above includes a real example of what it sounds like — either Vienna's actual experience or a scripted dialogue she and Brandon worked through on the episode. If you're trying to recognize verbal abuse in your own relationship (or help someone else recognize it), these are the examples worth re-reading:

• The $700 mall trip that became a story about Sbarro's pizza (#17 Avoiding the Issue)
• The car dent her ex-husband hid because "I knew you'd react like this" (#48 Alleged Certainty)
• The goodnight kiss that became a back rub that became a list of nightly demands (#34 Moving the Goalposts)
• The "don't shush me" request that ended with the manipulator making new rules (#15 Selective Attention)
• The "cookie was outside barking" misspeak that derailed the entire conversation (#16 The Fallacy Fallacy)
• The golf course story where one person's bad shot became someone else's fault (#33 Magical Thinking)
• The post office packages argument where every detail got nitpicked instead of answered (#32 Nitpicking)
• The "you should be happy, I only pushed you" — abuse normalized through comparison (#38 It Could Be Worse)

These are not extreme outlier examples. These are daily life in a verbally abusive relationship. The horror of recognizing your own life in these examples — and the relief of finally having vocabulary for it — is exactly what this list is for.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse is a pattern of communication that uses words to control, demean, or undermine another person. As Vienna defines it: "If someone is saying 'You are…' and whatever comes after that — they're defining you. That's not okay." It also includes consistently discounting someone's perception of reality.

How do I know if I'm being manipulated?

You may be experiencing manipulation if you frequently feel confused after conversations, walk on eggshells, apologize when you've done nothing wrong, or question your own memory and sanity. Vienna's list of 21 red flags is a more complete checklist — if several of them sound familiar, the manipulation is probably real.

What are common phrases manipulators use?

Common manipulation phrases include "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this" (alleged certainty), "You made me do it" (magical thinking), "We're saying the same thing" (false equivalence), "You always" or "you never" (black and white thinking), and "Who are you going to believe, me or them?" (appeal to loyalty).

What's the difference between manipulation and disagreement?

A disagreement aims at understanding. Manipulation aims at control. In a disagreement, both people are trying to be understood and to understand. In manipulation, one person is trying to win — and "winning" usually means leaving you confused, off-balance, or doubting yourself.

Is rage a loss of control or a manipulation tactic?

According to Vienna's experience and analysis: rage is a tactic. "It's not because they've lost control. It's not because they have anger issues. It is the same thing as any of the rest of these." Rage gets you to stop what you're doing, drop what you're asking, or agree to something. That's a tactical outcome, not an accidental one.

What should I do if I recognize these tactics in my relationship?

Vienna's most practical advice: start writing down what's being said to you, exactly as it's said, without judgment. Come back to it later when you're not emotionally activated. Patterns will emerge. Also consider talking with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, and reaching out to support resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).

Why is manipulation so hard to spot when you're in it?

Vienna's answer: "Manipulation and verbal abuse becomes harder to detect over time, because you're used to it. You've adapted to it. It doesn't sound strange anymore." That's why catalogs like this one exist — to give you outside vocabulary for what's become invisible from the inside.

How to Use This List

Vienna's tactic for healing was unusual and effective: write down what was said. Not to confront, not to argue — to study. After every difficult conversation, write down what was said to the best of your memory, without judgment. Come back later when you're calm. Look for the patterns.

The 51 tactics above are the patterns she found. Your manipulator may not use all 51 — or even most of them. But if you can name three to five of these as recurring features of your relationship, you have your answer.

Additional steps:

• Trust your instincts. The 21 red flags exist because your body knew before your mind did.
• Protect outside relationships. Manipulators thrive in isolation. Friends and family are reality checks.
• Find a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse or coercive control. A general therapist may misread it as ordinary communication problems.
• Don't expect them to change. Vienna's experience — and Brandon's, after interviewing dozens of survivors — is that meaningful change is rare.
• Stay present. Vienna's parting advice. Stay in your body. Notice what's happening in real time. That presence is the antidote to manipulation.

Resources for Help and Support

If you're experiencing verbal abuse, please reach out. You don't have to do this alone.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE or rainn.org
• The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: ncadv.org
• DomesticShelters.org: domesticshelters.org — extensive library of articles and resources, plus connections to local support
• Narcissist Apocalypse Community: Join survivors at our support community, with integrated Zoom support meetings on Wednesdays and Saturday nights, prompt workbooks, bonus episodes, and a safe social network

Listen to the Full Episode

This guide was developed from a single 90-minute conversation between Brandon Chadwick and Vienna on the Narcissist Apocalypse Q&A podcast. The acting examples, the back-and-forth, the moments where Vienna and Brandon laughed at the absurdity of these tactics — none of that fits in an article.

Listen to the episode: Top 51 Verbal Signs That You're Being Manipulated 

You can also listen to Vienna's full survivor story  - she was first a guest on December 20, 2020.

If something on this list resonated with you, please know: you are not alone. The fact that you can see the pattern is itself a form of freedom. Manipulation works in the dark. Naming it turns the lights on.